Bethie...no trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Bethie...no trigs
8
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 7:54am

Hey honey!!!

How are you?????? I'm fine...finally. Don't know if you read my post from Friday, but I have a new pdoc. And I really think its going to be so much better...I really really like him. I hate to leave my other pdoc cuz I love her and she's been there for me through it all, but she just wasn't helping me.

Anyway, please check in with me...I tried to find you last night on AIM, but didn't obviously...hope you're still doing okay...but I have a feeling.

Just so you know...I HATE SEROQUEL!!! It finally hit me, literally, that it makes me MORE nuts than I already am...it makes me SO depressed. But, if I don't take it, I don't sleep. However, I'd rather not sleep than be so zombied out. My thoughts are okay, so I'm not taking it...pdoc said not to anyway. He doesn't like Seroquel unless you're so manic you can't stand yourself. I'm not there YET.

I hate this not knowing if I'm manicky, or just better...in all actuality, I know...but I don't want to admit. Ya know? I feel too good to admit it.

Anyway, I'm going to look at a new (used) car today and I really really need it...so think positively for me, okay?

Post to me at lunch, or call me at work if you have my number and want to talk.

Love you tons,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 3:08pm

hey girl...

im soooo glad to hear youre doing better! you sound so much better too. the new pdoc sounds great. hope things work out with him. i couldnt bear to leave my pdoc for anything though. good for you for having the guts to do it. good luck with the car shopping! let me know how it works out.

i couldnt live without my seroquel. its the only thing that keeps me sane. of course its my only a/p, and its the only reason i sleep at night. although i have been taking trazadone again. i told pdoc, and at first he was reluctant, but when he saw how good i was doing, he figured it probably has something to do with the little a/d boost it was giving me. but warned me to keep any eye out for any hypomania from too much of it.

i feel like im getting sick, but dont want to admit it. my neck is so stiff and ive got a killer headache. its so friggin cold here, snowed all morning. and im so cheap/poor its only 57 in my apartment. i just huddle underneath blankets the whole time im home. its not fair. while my ex is living it up with his expensive cars and gorgeous condo. im sure its not helping that the only thing ive eaten in the past week is a bowl of cereal each day. im falling apart!!!

i have dbt tomorrow. what am i supposed to tell my coach? i should just lie to her. she'll probably call pdoc if i tell her the truth. i should never have said anything to them in the first place, im so stupid.

love you too

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 3:25pm

i think one reason i might be feeling better too, is that i'm getting OVER being sick...ugh. stuff is going around here...the weather is SO crazy here too...its warm then cold...then warm, then raining...then cold for a day, then really warm...we don't know how to dress AT ALL...then its FREEZING in my office...

my hands and body hurt still really bad...am trying to just ignore it...my GP called in pain meds, but i'm too broke to go get them right now...

i'm so stressed about this car thing tonight...i can't afford a down payment, but have to figure out something...if i can...will be glad when i just go and see what i have to come up with, if i can at all.

i am dreading telling my pdoc i'm leaving her...

i'm tired now. no sleep last night...manic energy though...all day. now i'm tired, but not...hate that.

as for your dbt coach...fake it. you gotta if u r worried about her telling pdoc. however, on the other hand...if u really want help with the ED stuff, u gotta tell her...but maybe next week???

i haven't eaten today...told dh i didn't wanna eat...he said i had to, cuz of my meds for the RA for one...and just becuz for another...but i really dont have to right now...its still okay...i mean, i AM still 50 pounds overweight...or more...ugh. disgusting.

u though...U HAVE to eat...don't know how that's different, but it is...

k, i'm not making much sense...topamax increaes is making me kinda dumb, of course...so bear with me til i get it all right again...lol.

love u...call if u need me...next week, i'll be back on yahoo IM...can't wait.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 8:35pm

hi babes... trigs for *si* *ed*

i am so sorry about what happened to dh. i've never heard of it being caused by stress though. you should look it up on the internet. my uncle is just getting over it, and his doc told him it was caused by a virus. and when i was in 3rd grade one of my classmates got it, and i'm sure a 3rd grader didnt have enough stress in her life to cause bells palsy, that it was a virus.

hope today's going better for you. your boss rocks. god i wish my boss was as supportive. he started out that way, but i'm not sure sure we're on the same page anymore.

still not feeling well. stiff neck, headache. 4 other girls in hte office have it too. never heard of this. advil doesn't seem to help either.

and for the crappy news... ive got bad si urges. ate 2x's today and feel so overstuffed. had to eat lunch, cuz the girls at work ganged up on me for not eating, and losing "too much weight". so they bought me something and watched while i ate. and then dbt coach unexpectedly ordered pizza, and of course i had to have a piece so she wouldnt call pdoc. and since this ed thing is my si alternative, ive gotta do something to help myself out tonight. i feel so gross. i probably gained 5 lbs back today. omg i feel HORRIBLE. so GROSS. i HATE myself.

hang in there babe. we'll make it, i hope...
love you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 8:59am

you SO did not gain 5 pounds yesterday, but i COMPLETELY know how you feel...I've not eaten much in days either...I know I need to, but I'm starting to really lose weight, and I refuse to gain any...its that whole ED stuff...

i'm manic again...don't wanna crash...scared of crashing...big time. have some a/d's at home so if i do, i WILL get out of it this time...agitation or not.

did you read my post about my new car? i'm going to be soooo poor for 2 months...but its worth it.

need to get my topamax refilled and i don't have any money til tuesday of next week and then not very much...but i am so getting my meds...topa and lamictal are both $25 each...ugh...ativan is $10. lovely. i'll be even MORE poor than I thought. I may have to get MORE money from my parents and I don't want to. At all.

better go...hope you have a better day today.

love you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 3:40pm

so i crashed...knew i would...dang it...oh well, trying to come back up...and i have just the thing for that...

i ate cheetos...a small bag. AND NO YOU ARE NOT triggering me...stoppit.

will be soooo glad when i can talk to you on yahoo again...sign on to aim tonight around 8 if you can...or call me at home...or whatever! LOL

love you tons and tons

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
In reply to: keli003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 8:49pm

hi babes...

on aim right now, but dont see you there. i'll be signing off soon. taking my night meds at 9, probably be asleep before 10. i know its pathetic, but i need SO much sleep lately, and im exhausted all day. its so messed up. maybe i'm taking too much for sleep. but if i dont then i won't sleep. wtf?!

my brother told my mom off finally. they havent brought my neice over there in about 3 weeks, and he told her it was because she's been talking about my sil behind her back, throwing the help they've been giving them back in their faces. and just in general being you know what's. didnt say anything about my dad though, thank god. but that's a huge part of it.

he also stood up for me. apparently, she's been saying a lot of mean stuff about me behind my back too. about how pathetic and weak i am, demanding for my brother to tell her when and why i stay w/ him, what's wrong with me, every conversation i have with him, what's going on with me and pdoc. a high school friend sent a letter to her house, and she kept it secret because she "didn't want to upset me." i only found out about it because she emailed my brother asking him what to do with it. she treats me like i'm a fabrege egg with a crack in it.

just so tired, and frustrated, and stressed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 7:41am

ya know what??? i am SO proud of your brother! he's opened the door, ya know.

sorry i couldn't get on AIM, stupid dh wouldn't let me use his phone...

i was SOOOOO dang agitated last night i could NOT stand myself, the tv, my dh, the dog, my parents, food, anything...ugh. i finally fell asleep, somehow around 12. i refused to take a seroquel, so i took like 3 or myaybe 4 ativan...can't remember. dh was telling me i was only supposed to take 2...i said, you aren't me, leave me alone.

i'm okay i guess right now...i hate hate hate hate not ever knowing how i am. hate it.

ummm, yeah...stress sucks...frustation here too...i'm soooo broke and now that i bought a car, i will be broke for the next 3 months. feb will be BAD. oh well.

i need dh to call his family and borrow money...i do it all the time, but he won't. i get so angry and i have to really watch my rage lately...i don't wanna do something stupid. like flip out and get locked down for a while...never ever happen again.

anyway, love you...hope you got some sleep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 10:49am

trigs trigs trigs trigs trigs

trigs - SU

trigs - SI, SA, ED

trigs

trigs

okay, i can't stand it. bp, sa, ed, si urges...ptsd...all this crap is about to kill me...DEPRESSION most of all...rapid cycling...how did i get so lucky?

wanted to cut soooo bad last night...told dh in DETAIL what i wanted to do...how it would feel...course i didn't. but it was hard to NOT do it...still want to...have something right here with me...

at work, but don't wanna be here...am a big mess...just got a soda, cuz i needed sugar...was feeling faint from not eating much in a few days...don't care.

i'm only here because of my son...period. everyone else could move on and go forward...eric would be hurt and mad and upset, but he would get over me...right? but my son never would...so i stay in hell...for him.

will it ever get better? i don't think so, beth...i really don't...so why am i taking all these meds? i told dh last night i wanted OFF all of them...he said no...

i am 35 years old, broke, mentally unstable...pretending to live...when i am really dead inside.

i can't take it.