Triggered, Depressed...Cold, Tired
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| Wed, 01-25-2006 - 12:56pm |
Don't feel like talking much...but my mom called me...and while she didn't mean to...she told me that my dad couldn't go on this hunting trip...and its because I had to get more money from them yesterday to get dh's meds...they were expensive, because he had 5 rxs to get...of course, when she said it, i immediately felt very guilty, sad, and started crying but I didn't let her know that...I just said, I'm going now...and got off the phone. So, yeah...that triggered me...now I'm totally depressed and I hate it so much...that it only takes ONE thing to make me so depressed that I cant' stand life anymore.
Its sooooo cold in my office...REALLY cold...I don't know how they expect us to work like this...I have on long sleeves and its still really cold...
I'm totally tired...I've not been sleeping cuz I've been pretty manic lately. Now that I'm depressed again, of course, here comes everything that goes right along with it...dammit, I hate hate hate hate hate freaking BP, life in general...why can't it ever be easy? NOTHING is ever easy for me, for most of us! IT SUCKS you know what...
I feel like a huge loser for depending on my parents lately. I feel guilty for making dad miss his trip. I am crying for all of those reasons, and I just don't ever get a break. Yes, I feel sorry for myself...damn right I feel sorry for myself. Who wouldn't?
I am so freaking angry that I could scream. And I can't scream...I have to maintain some semblance of sanity...darn Bipolar...I can't take it...I just can't...its way too much for even me...I've done 4.5 years of this crap and I am so over it.

(((((((((((Keli))))))))))) I know you feel responsible/guilty about your dad missing his trip. BUT if depending on your parents for a while helps you and your family then so be it. Like I told you earlier, your dad wouldn't have given you the money if he REALLY minded! Your mom is trying to lay a guilt trip on you - believe me I of all people recognize that. You are NOT a loser for needing help. If you are because you have to once in a while depend on your parents, I'd hate to see what that makes me.
So, when you go home tonight, plan on taking care of you - maybe a hot bath or curling up on the couch and watching the tv or reading a book or spending time with dh and ds. put mom out of your mind. you are a good person and everyone here knows that. BP is making you lose sight of that. Let us be your strength for now.
Love You!
Traci
it's hard,i know
did you see the rheumatologist?i am suddenly plagued w/ arthritis on the left side of my body & i mentioned it to pdoc who is sending me for bloodwork.
it's awful as you know.
hi suzi ~ i didn't know we shared middle names;) lol! sorry, couldn't resist that. hope all is well with you.
hugs,
traci