A more formal introduction
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| Thu, 01-26-2006 - 1:14pm |
I promised to introduce myself, so here it is. Sorry it's a little long :S
I have been through many stressful times in my life. My Dad died when I was 6, and my Mom was left with 5 kids to raise...my oldest sister (the one with bi-polar) who is 38 now, my brother who is now 37, my middle sister who is now 33 and my twin sister and I who are 27. We are fraternal twins. My Mom became a hero to me, even though at the time I didn't see her as one. She did her best to raise us as a single parent, even though she had essentially NO education and a very hard time finding a job. I don't think my Mom was bipolar, but I do see times when she was extremely depressed when we were growing up, but I don't think she was properly treated for it. She wasn't happy without my dad, and she never found anyone else to share her life with. Her main focus became all of her kids, even though the oldest 2 moved out shortly after Dad died. She pretty much lived for us. She died in her early 50's, when I was 20. She had a stroke, and a heart attack shortly after. She had a rough life, and a pretty crappy childhood from what I know, so I can understand why she died early. But that was another huge stressor in my life... all of a sudden, I was an orphan, and I was scared!!
At the time when she died, I had a boyfriend who was NOT good for me! Yet we were together for about 2 years until I found out he was cheating on me. I knew in my heart that he was a liar, but I never bothered to do anything about it...I had such low self esteem, and my weight got out of control after my Mom died... I had already been heavy before that anyway. I was scared that if I didn't have him, I'd be alone, and I didn't know how to function alone. I was scared! Even though he treated me like crap, I stayed with him, until I discovered he was cheating on me. Then it was staring me in the face...I had to make a huge change in my life! And it was the first time that I ever lived by myself. Funny, though, it was also at that time that my sexual behaviours changed. I guess I was lucky; I only went through that for one summer. I would meet guys on the internet and have one-night stands with them...but I always hoped I would meet "Mr. Right" even if it were that way. But of course that never happened...and I might have continued on that destructive path if it hadn't been for my current fiancé, Andre. I met him at the apartment where I was living, and he lived in my landlord's basement. There was just something about him...I wasn't even attracted to him physically at first, but he was just such a wonderful man, we became best friends. For a while we were in limbo between friends and more than friends, but eventually we got together and we're still together now. It's been rocky with us, though...and now I know that part of the reason for that may be my mental state.
Depression has been a prominent theme in my life...and I didn't necessarily always know that I was depressed at certain times in my life. The one time that I discovered it was very significant to me, because I realized that I know myself better than most people know themselves. I also had the benefit of being 3/4 finished my nursing program. It was in my last semester that I experienced full-blown depression, like I'd never experienced it before. I had learned about mental illnesses in the nursing program, and that, combined with the personal knowledge I had from seeing my oldest sister with bipolar, helped me to really look into myself and understand that was happening. What triggered the depression was the fact that I was overwhelmed by trying to get through school with a limited amount of resources. I was at the point where I was falling behind on my bills, and I was told that I was not going to receive my portion of my student loan for my last semester, since I made too much money the previous summer...but I was all on my own, I HAD to make money, there was no way around that! I somehow managed to get a couple bursaries when I proved to the financial aid people that I was in dire straights...I even had to cry in front of them. It was a horrible thing to have to go through when all I wanted was to get through ONE more semester so I could graduate. Anyway, I remember starting to have a hard time just making my brain WORK! I was so overwhelmed with everything, it was like my brain refused to function. I would sit in class and have such a hard time completing an assignment that I KNEW how to do...but I just couldn't focus or concentrate on it, no matter how much I wanted to. My breaking point came during one of my clinical rotations. I had 2 patients to care for, and I know I had all the tools to make the proper assessments on these patients...yet I just COULDN'T do it...it was the most wild feeling...it was like my brain didn't have the ability to tell my body what to do! One of my patients had an IV that had gone interstitial, and that is not good! That is something I should have picked up on, but I didn’t…because my brain was not functioning properly. It was on that day that I pulled my teacher aside and told her that I just couldn’t do it anymore…I had something going on, I was overwhelmed, I could not function, and I was concerned that I was putting my patient’s safety in danger. At least I had the ability to see it coming…and the knowledge of what was happening with my body. My teacher was proud of me for stepping down and saying that I could not complete that rotation…and she said that it showed accountability as a nurse to realize my limitations. So I was very proud of that. I went on Celexa and ended up having to graduate a year after my classmates because I had to take time off school to start working again…I was required to take 8 weeks off work to do my consolidation but at that time I was not able because I needed to get out of my financial rut. That was a disappointment, but at least I stayed sane and got myself back on track. But just going through that depression…and realizing how debilitating that was…it really got me thinking about how fragile my mental state was! However, that’s easy to forget when things start going good in your life. After I graduated, things started looking up. Andre and I got engaged. I had a hard time at first attaining the job I wanted, but at least I had hope that because I had my RPN diploma, I could find a decent job. Now, I finally have not one, but 2 jobs that I have been wanting for a long time.
Even though things have been looking up, and I’m finally getting my career started, I still find that Andre and I are up and down in our relationship. Part of the reason for that is because we are pretty much complete opposites…I talk too much and he doesn’t talk enough. He’s seen me at my worst, and it has scared him almost to the point that we almost broke up…but the fact that he’s still here with me tells me that he loves me. He’s had some things about himself that he’s learned through being with me, too, so I know that we complement each other…but it’s scary when sometimes we fight and fight and never get anything resolved.
One of the major things that Andre has a hard time with is my temper. It can and does get out of hand…to the point where I actually scare myself! I have done things such as bang my head against the wall, kick walls, damage things, throw things...it’s even gotten to the point where I bite myself, right through the skin. And it scares me because it feels like something I just can’t control! I look back later and realize that it’s just not me…I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s like the anger takes my body over and something inside me is uncontrollable. I say it’s not ME because I am put off by anything that I don’t have control over. I mean, I even had control over myself when I was clinically depressed…I pretty much diagnosed myself…so at least I had SOME element of control. But when my anger gets out of control, there comes a point at which something inside me snaps and takes over. The average person can’t understand this, and that’s why it scares Andre to watch me get out of control. That is how I know it’s not normal. I think I’ve always known that on some level, but yesterday I was faced with it head-on by a counsellor Andre and I went to see. My heart dropped when I realized that I had to face this now! I thought I had already gone through the worst of it during my depressive episode…and I thought that I conquered it. I never really asked myself WHY I still have times when I freak out and my anger gets the better of me…and besides, I actually have worked on that…it doesn’t happen near as often as it used to, but the fact that it happens at all is something I should have dealt with. I feel horrible for being a nurse and not seeing/dealing with that, I feel like I have failed myself, and failed Andre. I feel that now I bear this huge burden…and all I want is to be NORMAL! Lead a NORMAL life…that is all I have ever strived for. I have always told myself that if I can go through everything I’ve gone through and still be where I am today, with my career and everything else I’ve accomplished, then I’m fine. I mean, it could have been worse, I could have dropped out of school and said “to hell with it”…but I accomplished it, and now I’m a nurse…I want to go further in my career but honestly, I’m scared to do it. I feel that maybe it was a stretch that I got my diploma…how would I be able to get through a university course and be sane at the end of it? That’s a lot of pressure, and I know that I am an anxious person by nature.
I could probably go on, but this post is long enough, so if anyone is still reading it, thanks! I am hoping someone can tell me if they see themselves in me, and if what I have said about myself sounds like anything you can relate to.
I am thankful to have a place where I feel understood ~Sabrina

Hi Sabrina,
I am so sorry I didn't respond before now...I did read your post last week.
I can see myself in you, in many ways.
I'm not doing well today, but I promise I'll talk with you again soon. Okay?
Hugs,
Keli