keli girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
keli girl
1
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 9:21pm

hi girl...

just writing tonight cuz i wont be able to get on here tomorrow during the day. pdoc appt. hope it goes well, last week it was REALLY tough. we went thru some really hard material. surprised i was strong enough for it, really. surprised him too. guess that's a good thing. but i dont want to go too fast. because i dont want therapy with him to ever end. maybe i should go every 2 weeks to stretch it out. im so crazy, arent i? bpd is so messed up.

i babysat for my neice tonight. and guess what i did. im such an idiot. i felt SO guilty (WHY??!?!?!) over this thing about my mom, that i picked up my phone, called her, and let her and my sister talk to my neice for about 20 minutes. my mom was so friggin happy she cried. all because of a HUGE guilt trip laid on me. and i haven't even talked to her in about 2 weeks. what is WRONG with me?!?!!?! i'm so WEAK!!! if my brother finds out he's gonna be pissed. hopefully little 2 1/2 year old mouths and minds will forget things like this quickly.

feel absolutely disgusting. ate tuna for lunch today. still feel full, and gross at 9:30pm. i'm a fat pig. i hate myself. gotta get past this eating thing. gotta get back to eating just cereal for one meal again. was actually losing then. i'm so WEAK. and gross.

i hope things are better for you now. hopefully that was just a downswing this morning and you're back up again. bp sure does suck. i hope your new pdoc can get things under control. maybe your just reacting to some med changes, and things will settle down once things start working?

i'll be looking for you on aim and yahoo this weekend. i cant remember when you said yahoo would be back, so i'll check there too.

love ya!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: canyouhearmenow
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 8:27am

hey baby...tried to find you on AIM last night, but couldn't...sad...:(

STOP FEELING GUILTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Right now! Your niece is stuck in the middle and its not fair. I haven't seen my neices in a year, because my exSIL hate me, and hates my brother, her xh, too. So its not fair. I used to take care of these girls EVERY day and night while she partied and "dated". But now I'm not good enough. Anyway...

As for pdoc...he thinks you're strong enough and its time to GET all this out...Get PTSD and BPD stuff under control...I need to do it too, but I'm scared...see, you're stronger than I am.

As for eating...well, that's hard. I ate a hot dog and some fries last night...and OMG did I feel terrible...all I ate all day but still. Am having coffee today, and that's all I plan on for now. I'm going to lose this weight one way or another and this is the only way I know how. I do NOT like to be preached at either...ya know? My dh knows that finally.

I will miss you today...I have to leave at 2 my time to take dh for his follow up appt. Then I am going to do nothing...but be manicky and clean my house and my new car!!! I love my car...not going to love all the money I'm paying out in 3 months time, but I still love the car...its so nice.

Call me if you can this weekend...I won't be able to be on AIM or Yahoo...that's not til Tuesday...I'll be bored and that's a bad thing.

Love you girlie...

k