terrified of living with Bipolar2

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
terrified of living with Bipolar2
11
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 3:42am

First time here. I have been taking 60mg of Cymbalta and 400mg of Equetro for over a year. My anxiety level is down but my depression is not. It is so rare that I am happy that I can count the good days each year, if I have 10 it is a good year. The rest of the days are horrid.

I cannot get away from legal problems since I was widowed 16 years ago. I inherited $1.75M in a trust fund. Lots of money! My mother told me how lucky I was and how many women would be happy to be in my position and that I should stop complaining. I was 33 with 3 children, 9,2 and 5 months. The trustee and my in-laws managed to steal most of the money. I spent $125k to get a hold of the trust. There is NOTHING left and I am worse than broke.

A young relative stole my i.d. 10 years ago. She spent $500 a month at Victoria's Secret. My perfect credit was ruined. My sister would not let her admit her actions and the credit card co. sued me. I had to sue her to restore my name. The judge would not award me any money for the hundreds of hours of work I did. He told me he could not give me any money for my work because I was a stay at home mom and he could not put a dollar amount on my time. My attorneys charged me $59k for a $5k judgement which I cannot collect on. I filed a complaint with the attorneys and received some of my money back but needed another attorney to accomplish. This was going on at the same time as the trust lawsuit. The thief was my mother's favorite in the family. I was disowned by not only my parents but 4 siblings and their children, most adults now. I have not been in the family for 9 years. I had helped out everyone in the family in anyway possible.

I remarried after 6 years to a guy from my high school, met at the 20th reunion. As soon as we married my first husband (I put him through college and law school) sued me for custody of our now 15 year old son and won. I was concerned about my husband's beer drinking and we went to an alcoholisim conselor. Everything seemed o.k. As the years went by he drank more and more and worked less and less. He did not work a single day the last 3 years of our marriage. I divorced him last May. He is $24k behind in child support and maintenance.

I decided enough was enough, several years before the divorce we decided to move to Europe to get away from the judicial system. When my mother found out she sued me, her effort to try and see my children. She had made NO attempts to see them in 5 years! She lost. I tried several times to get her to go to consuling with me and she refused.

My ex never made it here to Europe. I have been here for 4 years and until recently loved it here. I have run into the same type of people and the same types of situations. I am still having legal problems at home. I have had to hire lawyers for 13 different cases.

I turned 50 recently and I received one card in the mail. No telephone calls or e-mails, no gifts. I have not had a gift from anyone for nearly 2 years. Not that the gift is important but it would be nice to be thought of. I always give gifts. Not one of my children told me Happy Birthday on the day.

So now I am in the longest manic depressive episode I have ever had. I cannot do anything but think of what to have for my next meal. I want to and am sleeping 12-14 hours a day. I am applying for SS disability and I qualify for 4 categories. I have psychiatrists here and in the US, they both think I am on the right medicine. They both say that I need a support group and someone to talk to. I travel back and forth too much to have a support group and I really have no one to talk to. I was happy to find this site. I was sad to see so many young women who are having such difficulties. I hate to say this but I had those difficulties at that age and they have never stopped. The last 2 years have been unbearable.

How do I find something to look forward to? I cannot imagine why my feelings would ever change, I am stuck with this disease! I have attempted suicide several times and know what won't work for me. I try not to think about it but it keeps going through my mind. The only thing that stops me right now is my fear that my oldest son will do the same, he is so much like me.

Thanks, I just needed to say something.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 8:21am

Oh honey...you are SO welcome here...and just let me say Happy Birthday to you for whenever it was/will be!!! As for your BPII, I really wish you had better psychiatrists. There are so many different meds you could try that would make you more stable and able to live with the disorder. Can you tell them that you CANNOT live like this anymore and request to try other meds? I've been on so many different ones, and different dosages, and I wish I could make you feel better. Cymbalta made my agitation and manias worsen. It helped with the depression side, but I couldn't stand the manic side. Equetro, I'm not sure about.

Its hell, yes. I won't deny that. As for something to look forward to??? You now have friends here...as much as that is. We are here for you and we accept you just as you are.

Please keep coming and get to know us...we're all here together in the same sinking ship, but sometimes together we find an island.

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sat, 01-28-2006 - 2:44pm
Hi. I'm new here. I read your message and it broke my heart. I am 40 and have been thru continous problems since I was 17. In all these years the only friends I've had has been on jobs I've had. I have never had just regular friends, call on the phone, go out shopping with, etc. I don't have a sister either. So I have always felt alone, even with great parents, 2 brothers, a great husband, 3 girls and 4 grandchildren.
I have never had anyone to talk to just to be a friend and pour my heart out to. I am DX with BP2. I am never up, always down. Sometimes I wonder if my bad feelings are a cause of the BP2 disorder, or if it's because of the unusual problems I have always gone thru. I guess it's both. I have a double dose of mental/emotional problems AND non stop problems, just as you do.
One thing you might want to look into. I have recently started on a med called lamictal. It's for the 'down' side of BP instead of the 'up' side. It has really been helping me. I started coming to this board to see if I can make friends, but of course I've had major troubles in the past 2 weeks, keeping me from coming here.
I would love to be your friend.
Avatar for cla3a
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 3:21pm
(((Hugs)))
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:53am

Thank you for replying cla3a,

I feel for you with your husband gone. My 18 year old wants to join the Army this summer and I am terrified. I don't think I could handle it. I would be watching the news non-stop, I pretty much do right now anyway. Not much else to do. I cannot work because of this illness. I am waiting to hear about SS disability. I qualify under 4 categories so I hope they will not turn me down. I was really depressed about qualifying for 4! I did not even know BP would do it.

I am living part-time in Amsterdam. Not far from Germany. I have been there a few times and absolutely love Berlin and anywhere along the Rhine! I have been to 43 countries in Europe! I really wanted to go to 50 by the time I was 50 but did not work out. When I had money my goal was to get to 100, there is actually a club you can join.

I just cannot get over you being home without your husband and only for a few weeks, I can imagine how you feel especially when he first left! Thank god for technology. I am very concerned about us going into Iran. I just finished reading a great book called the Kite Runner. After hearing some of my story an 81 year old woman told me to read it. It is the story of a boy growing up in Afghanistan before the Russians through 8/01. It made me really think about my life and what is going on over there.

Thank you for replying to me. This has already been helpful to me. It is like I have something to look forward to.

Janet

Avatar for cla3a
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:33am

Hi there,


I understand your fear of your son going in. It is a wacky world we are in. Wouldn't worry too much about Iran. My DH was in Afghanistan in 2002. He came back and told me about how things were for the women and children there. It was a shame. Little boys begging by the base because their family didn't have enough food.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 7:35pm
Welcome to the board! It sounds like you are not on the right medications! Keep trying as hard as it might be! As Keli, has stated, I have been on many meds and doses, but now for the most part I am better. I am very lucky I have a hubby that helps stablize me, so It helps. I had my 48 BD and 33 ann, 1/28 and a few of my children didn't call. It is hard and hurts.Hang in there and keep pushing for the right medications! Patti
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 7:40pm
It is good to have you here! I sometimes run when things don't feel right to me. Have not been posting much! Well having a good family is great, but sometimes they don't understand BP. I hope yours does! I had my 5th grandchild born a few weeks ago!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 1:16am

Hi, Thanks for replying. I have been on many different meds. and dosages. I am seeing my pdoc next week and will see what she can change me to. I have spoken with her before and she does not know a better solution. Any of the other meds have not worked or they have unwanted side effects.

I was really bad a few months ago and went to a pdoc here. He was not familiar with the meds I take and did research and told me he thought they were good also.

They both told me that I needed a support group. I travel back and forth too much to join one in one country. I am happy that I found this site. I feel better and I feel worse after being here. I think the women are great but there is so much suffering. I thought I was the only one.

I am going back to the US on Sunday and I am really worried about my oldest. He is so depressed he will not answer the phone. He has no job and cannot find one. He is so much like me. I apologized to him for inheriting depression from me. I arranged for a free ticket for him to come back with me for a few weeks, change of environment but he won't come. He has 5 days to change his mind. It would be good for me and him.

Janet

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 11:52am

Hi Janet! You are welcome! I know it is sad to see the pain and suffering. Sad to say it is part of the process. It is good to hear when someone has a good day or there is a break through!! We have all been there is one way or another!

Medications are difficult at best, tricky.. I work on a Alzheimers unit per-diem. The behaviors are attempted to be managed be drugs. Wow is is guess work. It is good to see when they help!

I don't do well with support groups, I went to one for incest survivors once and a behavioral group DBT. I rather work with my T alone but everyones needs are different!

I am sorry about your eldest, I have 6 children. One which is bi-polar and has ADD with a difinance disorder. I understand the worry a parent goes through! I hope he is ok and you can reach him!

I am off to the doctor, I fell a few weeks ago and my ankle is getting worse and need to see what is going on! Have a good day, Patti

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:22am

Hi Janet!

I am glad you told your story. I'm in the process of getting my documents together to move to Europe myself. I'm planning on staying in England to start off, but because I'm elegible to apply for a UK passport, that will allow me to live and work anywhere in the EU. My choice to relocate does have it's roots in the problems I've been having with my bipolar, but as I look into it and investigating my options, the more I'm finding it as a reason to really do something with my life. I mean, I'll be 21 in April. College didn't work. I'm stuck at a job that's is not right for anybody with any form of depression and I'm stuck in my itty bitty hometown that has absolutly nothing to offer me anymore. I need to make a change, and I figure that I have this real opporunity to, essentially, see the world. I'm not expecting it to solve my problems, but I can guarantee that my batteries will be fully charged when I finally come home to fight the bipolar with full force.

I hope you can find some support somewhere. This board is great for just venting what needs to be said.

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