triggers all around

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
triggers all around
6
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 8:30am

i really really really hate being BP. I REALLY HATE IT! I have been so triggered and so angry and so depressed and so mean, and so totally miserable all weekend.

It started Friday. Of course. I took dh to the doctor, and they confirmed the palsy thing...so that was cool, i guess...he is still sick. Then, my so-called used to be best friend IRL, calls me...and tells me that from years ago, like 5 years ago, when we used her name for electric, is on her credit and I have to pay it now. Its like $800 for whatever reason that may be. I told her if it was really my bill, I would pay it. I would never just leave it like that...but she acted as if I would. I told her I would have to wait til income tax refund to do so, but I'm not sure I can with that, cuz I don't when or if I will get a refund. She just acted like I did something wrong. She said she didn't remember it being for two addresses, but I'd transfered it once. SO I told her that. Anyway, she's going to call me today at work to discuss it more. I'm going to have to tell her I can't pay it til refund time, in 2 months, or just give her a "payment" every month. I can't afford it at all. But I will take care of it.

So that started it. Then, with me feeling SOOO depressed after that, after crying because of it...after being sooooo agitated and having a major anxiety attack, I was mean. To my dh. Who is sick. So I ended up in tears AGAIN around midnight. I took about 3 Seroquel, and of course I slept...but didn't get up til the next day around 11. Then I was REALLY mean. DH finally asked me what was wrong with me, that I had been acting like I had a problem for days now, ever since he got sick. He is right. I have been. So I cried again, like a big loser baby. Apologized. BUT, I was STILL mean...

I couldn't help it, as sad as that sounds. It sounds like a damn cop-out and like I use my BP as a crutch, but I COULD NOT help it. Then yesterday, more of the same. I had to take Seroquel AGAIN, which I hate, cuz I started thinking of this stupid thing with my stupid ex best friend and I had another panic attack.

I just want to be okay...for once...that is all I ask.

Its not going to happen. I wanted to take ALL the pills I had. I wanted to disappear from everything and everyone. I'm so done with this rapid cycling crap, this stupid disorder...this depression...this never ENDING cycle...

I try so hard..you all know how hard I try. I just don't see the point. Why be around if all I do is hurt everyone that I care about?

When all that happened with my so called best friend years ago (and we are talking 5 years ago), I was SO manic and SO on drugs, and I do NOT remember the details of ANY of it. She keeps drilling me on it, and I cannot remember.

I have meetings today and all I want to do is hide somewhere...not at home...not at work...not anywhere, but in the darkness somehwere...where I'm all alone and there aren't any triggers...where I don't want to SI, or have SU thoughts all day long...let's not even talk about night time.

I know this is long, and I apologize...I just can't take it anymore...

I have your phone numbers, but I couldn't even call any of you because I don't have long distance and my stupid cell is out of minutes. I barely have food in my house...have JUST ENOUGH gas to get ds to his game tonight and me to work in the morning...I do get paid tomorrow...but most of it is gone towards the car.

Jennifer, the best friend, made me feel like I shouldn't have bought the car...that now I owe her this huge chunk of money and I have to pay her...no choice...and i can't right now. She is a very strong willed person and she will call and call and come to my house, or work.

Don't worry about me...I'm just sick of it. I'm going to stop my meds for a while, and see if I do any better. It cannot be any worse than it is now. Wanting to die 5 days out of 7 isn't living and its barely surviving.

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 8:52am

DON"T stop your meds.
i'll say it again.
DON'T stop your meds.
call your doctor
NOW
NOW

are you calling?
well..do it!
something ain't working & you need something to "knock this out of you"as my doc said.
i remember you saying you have a new doctor,am i right?& he's into vitamins for wellness as well?i remember you saying you liked him.
listen,let me tell you...i don't think i would be able to hold up very well under the stress YOU are under right now.i have some major stress in my life & i can't even get myself to the lab to get some blood drawn...it just feels like too much work.that's what stress does.
also having to "take care" of someone else in my family who was ill?
to tell you the truth i don't think i have it in me.sounds awful when it's there on paper but its true(with me anyway)i think if my h got ill i'd react in anger at everyone & even at him.
please don't give up keli.it seems to me whatever you've been on hasn't been working for a while...you've been mostly depressed for a good while now.
please call your doctor & do not go cold turkey on the meds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 9:40am

Keli:

Answer your phone today - I am callng you.

Hang in there :)

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 10:26am

ok, I'll admit, I didn't make it all the way thru this....but call us collect

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God could not be everywhere, so

Avatar for cla3a
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:52am

((((((((((((((((Keli)))))))))))))))))),
Oh hun I am so sorry you are floudering around the way you are. Is there any way your Pdoc can give you samples of your meds? Please don't stop them cold turkey. PLEASE DON'T. I know it sounds so tempting right now but it will only make you feel worse. As far as your ex- best friend, try to check it out and make sure it is a valid debt. You never know she might be trying to use your mental state at the time to pay off her debt.


You have my number and like Donna said call collect if you need to.
I love you, and I am here for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 12:30pm

I am so sorry to hear how badly you are feeling today. It seems like everyone is right now. Please do not stop the meds. I agreee that you will only get worse. As far as your former friend: make her send you all the pertinent information proving that you actually owe the money. If it has been 5 years then who know what her motives may be, 5 years is too long. If she cannot prove that you owe the money - do not pay her! If the debt is real, pay it as you can. Don't let someone take advantage of you for their own good. Seems to me if you owed the money something would have been said before now.

I could not even leave the house to go and pay my rent today. I have not got dressed nor do I expect to as it is 6:30pm here. I do have a place to go and be alone with no triggers, but being alone is one itself. When I am alone I have nothing to have to do and no distractions.

I really hope that you feel better.

Janet

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:28pm

BABE I LOVE YOU!!!!

DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CALL YOUR PDOC NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

please babes. you really need to call pdoc. don't do anything you'll regret. do not stop your meds. you KNOW that's not the answer.

i love you!