I'm Okay

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I'm Okay
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:18pm

Thanks to you all for caring about me.

I'm under a great deal of stress right now...was out of meds for a few days, have PMS, and things spiralled WAY out of control...started rapid cycling so fast I could barely see straight, literally. My brain and body were literally 'buzzing' yesterday I was so manic, but it was BAD MANIA. The really agitated, angry, I can't breathe unless I hit something or break something, or hurt myself kind...I didn't. But it was a night from hell. I went from that, to a huge CRASH, in which I could do nothing but cry hysterically for hours, while the agitation remained. Still didn't sleep last night...day 3 of no sleep.

Now, today...I'm better. Agitation was still there this morning. So, I did what I am supposed to do when that happens, and I took at Ativan. It makes me sleepy at work, but it really helped. I will just stay sleepy at work, lol. Its better than the agitation.

I'm not 100%. But I'm no longer in crisis mode. I've btdt many times, and while I was a bit on the incoherent side last night, I fought like hell to keep my wits about me and I did. While crying hysterically over nothing for hours...lol.

My dh is still really sick, and can't be there for me. I have to learn to be there for myself. That is VERY hard on me, and triggers me badly. Its not his fault, but I do everything I can possibly do to take my anger and frustration out on him...then feel horrible about it, and cry, then do it all over again...same with my ds...and he's only a kid...well, an almost grown kid, but neither one of them deserve that. I plan on really working on that and getting that under control. THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR, BP OR NOT.

I bought a car, and paid the down payment $1100 yesterday plus bills and am broke...rent is short...so I'm stressed about that...but I had to have a new car...so be it. I've been short on rent before, and its only $150 short. It will be okay.

So, that's me in a nutshell today.

Love you all,

k.