keli girl...
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| Wed, 02-01-2006 - 3:24pm |
hi k...
sorry i didnt get back to you last night. i was on the phone with pdoc for 45 minutes. then i fell asleep. were you safe? i stayed safe, thanks to pdoc. i really dont want to do anything. i already look like enough of a freak as it is.
work is so awful this week. everything is setting me off. im driving everyone crazy. it doesnt take much before im screaming at people. theyre all pissing me off. i dont know how im gonna last until pdoc appt on friday. and even then its only 1/2 hr. not long enough, it goes by so fast, and i need him.
im getting all depressed again. i look at people, and just see how sad everyone is. i see sadness in everyone. it breaks my heart. me. the people i work with. my xh. my pdoc is so sad. it hurts so much to see so many people in pain. especially people i love so much.
pdoc says i should think about not seeing xh anymore if it makes me feel so bad that i want to si. i think he's probably right, because i was so triggered. so upset by all that happened. so anxious all night. and so mixed up by driving past all those places. im sure they're all happy memories for him, but for me they break my heart to think about. seeing the house that we lived in where we had our wedding reception, visiting his parents house, driving past an old apt. where we lived for 2 years. it was terrible.
and my dad has to have surgery. SO triggered by that. omg, its a nightmare. and i fought with my mom on sunday too.
its all too much. the world's ganging up on me again, and i cant handle it. im too weak.
i hope things are better for you today. im so sorry i couldnt talk to you again last night. i couldnt believe how long pdoc spent with me. im so lucky to have him.
love you girl. hang in there. im sure we'll be okay again. right?

we are SO connected...i was JUST literally thinking of you...omg.
we are SO going to be okay again...i was able to be safe last night...by sending you messages, lol, it was like i was talking to you...sorry if you were bombarded by them...don't ever apologize for not being able to talk...okay?
last night was hell...this morning not much better...REALLY depressed...REALLY REALLY depressed...then cycled back up...but not into anything good...bad agitation...so I took an Ativan even tho I knew it would make me sleepy, esp after 3 nights of no sleep. But it helped. I'm not in hell anymore for right this minute and I have to be thankful for that.
The sadness around you...that's a hard one...its hard to separate yourself...that's most of my problem too...esp last night...i was so sad...and so angry...and so freaking tired of life.
I think pdoc is right about not seeing xh anymore...its gonna mess u up bad...u know that, as hard as it is...i know you had hopes. but i think it will be a mistake...and i think you know that too, in your heart.
Pdoc will be okay...your dad's surgery will be okay...you have to worry about YOU and your sadness...you do not have the luxury right now, today, of worrying about anyone's sadness but your own. We'll talk more tonight. I love you with all my heart baby girl.
Keli -- and you are NOT a freak...I work with freaks all day, and your not one...