keli babes
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| Sun, 02-05-2006 - 6:16pm |
hey girl...
just to let you know, in case you got my Y message yesterday, my laptop is in for service. needs a cleaning cuz it overheats like every 5 minutes and shuts down, and they think it has a virus or spyware or something. holy moly $$$$$!!!! but my mom let me take her laptop for a couple weeks until i have it back, so i'll still be around.
things went a bit better w/ bill sat night. we went out to dinner, and then came back to my place. he was going to (try) to fix my laptop (in more than one sense of speaking, ifyou know what i mean, lol). but was unsuccessful on both fronts, LMAO!!!!!!! i was SO friggin proud of myself. but im not sure how much of it was me being morbidly ashamed of my scars, and how much was me taking care of little beth. either way, he wanted it, and didnt get it, and that's what counts. i dont want to do anything, or let anybody into my life that im going to regret in 6 months or a year. I LOVE MY PDOC!!!!!!
ive been pretty hypo the last couple of days. why can't i just be normal. being hypo is fun and all, ok, real fun. but i dont need an increased libido with bill around. and i cannot afford to be out shopping. and it's SO hard to resist shopping with the weight that im losing. im down to a size 10. that's one step away from an 8. and that's single digits!!! i gave in yesterday, went to the mall and dropped $300 in no time. this is SO bad.
and to top it all off, im either having night terrors, OR hallucinating again at night. im not sure which, because im awake when its happening. its absolutely the most terrifying thing imaginable. i wake up to someone trying to break down the door. and am completely paralyzed with fear. cannot move to help myself at all. heart pounding fear racing through my entire body. too afraid to move, too afraid to turn on the light, too afraid to pick up the phone or the pepper spray i keep next to my bed, too afraid to look. just listening to the door getting kicked in, and the knob being turned. just waiting to be attacked, paralyzed, knowing what's going to happen, but not being able to help myself.
i dont know what to do. im so afraid of nighttime now. i dont want to fall asleep anymore, im terrified of it happening again. its (one of) the worst things i've ever gone through, and i dont know how much more of it i can take. what do i do?!
sorry to be so negative...
love you tons. i'll check back here on my lunch break tomorrow.
