Back to hating life...trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Back to hating life...trigs
3
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 8:15am

I don't know what to do anymore...i know this may be partly attributed to pms. My dh was in a mood of some sort yesterday, which is ALWAYS triggering to me. Plus, I was SO tired I could barely stand it. I go home...I tell him he HAS to take Mike to bball and pick him up...I went to bed at 5:00. I took a nap...told dh he could make dinner or not...he made spaghetti...so i ate...a lot. Then felt SO bloated and gross from not eating much lately. UGH. DH still in a sort of mood, but better. That is, UNTIL I start in...I don't know why I do it...I'm just so stressed out and so tired...I did everything that I possibly could to aggravate him...so he just starts ignoring me, and of course, that made me SOOOOO angry that I just kept doing it more. I finally just went back upstairs by myself. Mike gets home and I'm half way asleep...I woke up around midnight and ATE AGAIN...I'm eating out of plain stress, and not being happy and PMS. I freaking hate it and myself, and my life...and everything in general.

I need a real break...ya know? Just one thing to go my way for once. Yes, I bought the car. Its causing me SO much stress, because I have NO money and its only the 9th of the month. How am I going to get to work with no gas in my car? How am I going to eat? I don't care about eating, but my kid needs food...How am I going to give him lunch money? I have $40 to last til the 28th...and nobody to borrow money from.

I am a REAL loser and don't anyone tell me that I'm not. Nobody else is in this position. I don't even have a checking account that I can overdraw. I know I should put this on my dh, and I'm a loser for being with him, but if I wasn't I would die.

Don't listen to me...please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 9:26am

Wow, Keli, I don't know what to say, except that I've felt the bottom falling out before as well. I've spent a fair amount of mornings not particularly happy that I woke up, and a fair amount of nights going to sleep hoping not to wake up. Just for today, though, I don't feel that way. I feel actually pretty good.

OK. I'm really sorry to do this to do again, but have you tried prayer??? Just a little bit??? I don't mean the Our Father and rosary bead prayer, I mean just lay it all out there to the Big Guy and tell Him you can't go on. My experience is that asking for strength to face another day is more effective than making specific requests like "please let me get alot of money soon."

I STILL firmly believe that God has a plan for all of us, and when we refuse to recognize that plan, or fight His will for us, things go horribly sideways. I can give you a million examples from my own life, but I'll spare you. I've learned to trust a power greater than myself. The evidence is that somehow, after burying my youngest child and caring for a severely handicapped DS8, I've managed to stay clean and sober for 3+ years, managed to maintain my legal career, and managed to keep my marriage together. Left on my own, without asking for, or accepting, strength and guidance from a higher power, I assure you I'd still be drinking and popping pills to get thru the day and my marriage would be over. I don't know whether I'd have gotten disbarred or not, but would it really matter?

Aw Keli, if you havent tried it, why not utter just one small prayer like you mean it? I'll say one on this end for God to send you some strength.

OK, I'm done. Sorry about the evangelism and I hope I'm not offending anyone, but its been my experience that God works miracles. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 10:20am

(((((((((((Keli))))))))))))


I'm sorry last night was so rough on you...but come on, today is a new day, a fresh start !!!

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God could not be everywhere, so

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 10:45am
1st of all you are not a loser....there are many of us(& i am one)who live paycheck to paycheck.
as for being tired...i think you rarely give yourself a break.didn't you mention that the dr. raised your topomax?isn't the nickname for topomax "dope-omax?"...give your body some time to adjust & DO NOT FEEL GUILTY when other people do FOR you.
that's what the xtra eating is about....guilt.
you deserve rest & recupuration.
take it from a princess,like me.
love,sus