My kick in the butt...trigs
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| Fri, 02-10-2006 - 8:40am |
On the radio this morning...I heard them doing a benefit for a children's hospital. This little boy, 7 years old, was on with his mother...they were interviewing them. Well, to make a long story short(er), this little boy has had 8 brain surgeries since he was born...and one stroke. He is functioning on ONE percent of his brain. He was up, walking, talking, LAUGHING, AND JOKING, AND HAPPY. He said that he had a girlfriend, lol. He said that he had 2 sisters and 1 brother and was able to name them.
I do a LOT of complaining and feeling SO sorry for myself. And I am functioning on all of my brain. I've not had brain surgery. I've not had a stroke.
Yes, I have a brain disorder...a mood disorder, a personality disorder, have been sexually abused, am a drug addict in semi-recovery, have an eating disorder, PTSD from all of the above...have lost many things in my life...
But I am here. I have many blessings in my life. I am on medications that are working...I am the one who is NOT working. And do you know why? Because its EASIER for me to be SICK!
That's not an easy thing for me to admit. But its true. Its VERY true. And its time for me to stop it. I'm ruining my life, Bipolar is not. PTSD is not. BPD is not. Weight issues are NOT. Drugs are NOT. I am. Only I am in control of my life. None of this is.
If an 8 year old can go through what he has gone through...and be happy...and THRIVE, then its waaaaay past time for me to get off my a$$ and get on with my living.
I have lost years not fighting. You guys think that I am strong, that I've been fighting this really hard. But I haven't been. I've been sitting here for all these years, complaining, crying, not letting my meds work. NOW, I'm not saying that all my meds HAVE worked. Because they haven't. But I haven't done a damn thing to proactively ensure that they have been given a GOOD chance to work. I just haven't. ESPECIALLY this last year. I will admit to you now, that I've not.
I have given up. I did. I completely gave up and expected my dh to save me...my pdoc to save me...you all to save me...even my ds to save me...and THAT breaks my heart. I am sorry to you all here on the board for that.
Only I can save myself. From this day on, I will save myself. Because I am worth saving. I did NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT believe that, until this morning. Until I heard an 8 year old little boy on the radio.
And do you know what? I don't listen to the radio...I listen to CDs. But this morning, something told me to listen to that station...and I'd ALREADY gotten to work. So I sat in my car, late for work already and I just listened. It was God answering my prayers.
Yes, I have money problems...BUT SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! I'm not alone in all this.
Not that I don't need support. I do...and I love you all. But I have to proactively start fighting this stupid BP again, and get over myself.
I got a good kick in the butt! Which is so what I needed.
I'm not better. I'm still in a weird place. But I'm fighting my way out of it today and today only. I'm no longer looking at tomorrow or yesterday. Only today.
Love you all,
Keli

There you go, girl! Today you sound like a winner! I get to live with that 8 year old boy that you heard with multiple brain surgeries in a sense: I see what my DS8 goes thru every day and he does it with a smile and not an ounce of self-pity. That's a special blessing I believe God gave him, because if God sends you down here with so many challenges, Hes got to give you the strength to live through them, right?
My DS8 is an inspiration to everyone. I can't feel too sorry for myself around him. I used to "own" his disease, if you know what I mean. I wondered why this was happening TO ME. It was a good long time before I came to accept that the disease wasn't happening TO ME. It was happening TO HIM. And he handles it with more grace and acceptance than I ever could.
Adopt an "attitude of gratitude." That's another one of those quippy 12-step sayings, but it has a ring of truth. Stay in the blessings and live in the solutions. Dont focus on what your life lacks, focus on what you do have. This is the kind of stuff that will bring God into your life (I see eye-rolling, there she goes again with the God stuff! LOL). Sorry, it's just that I so firmly believe it and I've seen the evidence in my life over and over I can't help but want to share it.
Keli, if I can live thru what I've live thru, sharing so many of your mental illnesses and also recovering from addiction, you can too. Hang in there! I'll also share that I've been praying for God to give you strength, and it was no coincidence that you happened to hear that radio show this morning that gave you a new attitude. We never know from whom we will hear the message.
I'm happy for you. Hang on to this as long as you can, because you know, like every other feeling, it will also pass. But you can always turn back to it when you need a dose of strength. You can always remember the boy living thru brain surgeries and my own son.
Love, Mo.
Keli
I so want to sit here and write something inspirational, not sure if I can.
God could not be everywhere, so
((((((((((((((((KELI)))))))))))))))))) I am SO proud of you! It takes a lot of courage to fight the rollercoaster of feelings and say, "THIS is what I am and what I need to do."
You've gotten some great advice and support, and I can't add to it. But I wanted to let you know that I'm really proud of you and excited for this new path in your life! :)) Please keep us updated to the good as well as the not so good. We're here for you through all of it!
Take care!
~ Kristin (AKA Aislinn)
kristinmmyers@hotmail.com
Enter the Myers' domain...
Thanks, Aislinn...I'm glad to see you back...I meant to tell you earlier!
Love and Hugs,
Keli
Those, "there but for the grace of God, go I moments" can really be a wake up call, can't they?
I am happy that you were open to hearing a message from the radio station you listened to about the young boy. It has helped me a lot to think about kids with cancer and mentally impaired folks who are out hear working and having such a positive look on life and people with such determination who have bigger handicaps then myself. They are definate role models.
For the past year or so I have been working really hard to think more positive and not dwell on my being BP. It is a label but that isn't all I am, actually it is only a small part of who I am, but boy does it sometimes get me spinning...lol
I have been fortunate to have this board and other people around me being supportive and loving me. Even if sometimes I don't think they love me. That is just my insecurities getting the best of me. One thing though that I learned...am learning, is that you can't compare yourself to anyone else...no one else! You are you...unique. You are affected differently then others by things in life. But, you can keep working on looking at the situation and seeing "IF" is is really worth getting that upset about. If it is, then