Doing Better...but SA trigs mentioned
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| Mon, 02-13-2006 - 10:05am |
I'm so stupid! But I do feel better...SEE HOW FAST I AM CYCLING????
Anyway, my pdoc called me back...the old one, I missed her...anyway, she'd talked to the "new" pdoc and they are BOTH going to treat me together...guess I' just THAT messed up, LOL. They are increasing my Topamax to 350. They have to get the rapid cycling to slow down...that's the whole problem. Uh, yeah. Its not JUST depresison and I totally forget that and freak out. She told me its okay to freak out. That I'm not the only one who freaks out.
They also want me back in therapy...but I hate therapy...therapy scares me. But I can't heal and get any better without it...SOOOO, guess I have no choice...they think that yes, I have very rapid cycling BP...but I will always have that and always cycle, fact of life...but I also have PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder and CANNOT heal or "fix" that on my own...it just ain't gonna happen...ITS SO SCARY though...I did tell dh this weekend how scared I get still of the SA to this day and its been 28 years. He told me I didn't have to be scared anymore, but I am.
Anyway...I also have to get some sleep. So, if I don't fall asleep by 11 tonight, I have to take a stupid Seroquel, but I hate them. I will do it if I have to.
I'm okay again for now.

I'm REALLY glad you are feeling better. You know you cycle fast enough that it usually breaks through pretty quickly. STILL, keep talking to both pdocs and follow what they say and hopefully they can get this under control.
I know I keep harping on you about the therapy too. BUT it is really really critical for you. I know you have been able to bury the SA off and on, but they will always keep resurfacing until you deal with them completely. Is it going to be painful and horrible and make you worse then you are now? Yes, for a while. But is it going to help with the cycling, and PTSD, and everything else you are struggling with? ABSOLUTELY!!! I think you will be SO much better once you get through this.
I also think getting past the SA will help you with so many parts of your life. You will be able to accept that you are NOT responsible for everything bad that happens in your family, or that you have to take care of EVERYONE.
It will make your life better. Just make sure you get a tdoc you can trust and work into it. You know I am always here for you too :)
Love ya!
Tracey
((((((((((Keli)))))))) Tracey said it best. I can't add much to it. But please know that I am here for you, as much as everyone else here on the board.
Therapy WILL help. Yeah, it will be painful to deal with the issues at hand, but once you deal with them they will lose their power to dominate your thoughts. This will make you a much stronger person. I know you are in a very bad place right now with the rapid cycling and I wish I could make it stop for you, but I can't. I can only offer you a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen and many cyber hugs for whenever you need them.
Keep us posted and keep posting. You may feel it's not doing any good, but somewhere inside you it is helping to get out what you need to.
Love You!
Traci
Keli,
I'm glad that you are feeling better. Dont know much about rapid cycling but it sounds very bad. I too have PTSD and Borderline Personality but I have BP2 or sctizoeffective(sp) (depends on which pdoc I talk to). I hope that the pdocs can get the cycling under better control. Keep thinking POSITIVE!!!!!
cyndi
Cyndi