:(, yes again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
:(, yes again.
9
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:07am

Not well today, but of course you all knew that already didn't you?

Don't know anymore, about anything...don't care...tired of crying...tired of my stupid bipolar crazy life that is trying to make me go off the deep end for real.

I want to sleep forever, but NO, i have to come to this damn job and be here and god forbid that i have a PROBLEM...NO, i have to be all happy go lucky and PRODUCTIVE!

Its stupid Valentines Day and I HATE IT. Don't wanna love anyone...don't want anyone to love me...its so triggering to me and i don't know why.

gotta go. i just want to have NO responsibilities...not one...i'm tired. i don't wanna be here anymore.

it was a year ago today that i went i/p and i don't know what it is about today...but its SOMETHING. cuz i feel the exact same way again today. i won't go today, though...hate that place.

just wanna all this pain to end...all this stress...all these moods...my brain hurts, my heart hurts...my body even hurts.

i didn't mean to go into all this...

Avatar for missyflanders
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:14am

Sorry you are having such a rough time. I agree with you that V-day sucks. I too want to be left alone with no responsibilities.

Is there anything I can do for you? Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:34am

I'll be okay...I just have to get these feelings out somewhere and this is the only safe place i have...the feelings are REAL though and i don't know where they come from...well, i guess i do...but they suck...and i AM tired...i slept a little more last night...

anyway, i'm terrified of therapy...can't afford it right now anyway...

i feel/am very incompetent...that makes it all worse...and i'm so embarrassed becuz i'm 35 and i'm still very much a child...

ugh...better stop now while i am ahead and not crying...

just gotta talk sometimes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:40am

if it helps...I feel the same way today....I just don't give a damn...about nothing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 8:56am

Hey girl! Hang in there, you know you can make it through this. You are stronger then you realize. You do NOT need an A/D - it ALWAYS makes you worse. Call the new pdoc RIGHT NOW!! They will work with you and help you.

I will check in here or on the phone to you later - have to get to work.

Love you - and there isn't anything you can do to stop me!
T

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 9:21am

Hey Keli! Happy V-day even though it sucks and its a dumb holiday.

Have you prayed today???? (Sorry I can't help myself! LOL)

Listen, I'm being a pretty big jerk today myself. My DH is leading an off-site meeting this week BUT he has arranged his schedule, in fact the schedule of everyone who is participating in the off-site, so he could come home tonight and spend V-day with me and the kids. They usually break for the day at about 6:00p.m. but continue over dinner out. Well, stupid me, I'm almost annoyed about this. Just let me vent here because I know I'm being a jerk: WHAT the heck does he expect from me tonight? He's coming home to spend V-day with me, does that mean that he's expected a nice dinner and romance? Hope not. Listen, I know my DH and he really means that he just wants to spend the evening with me and the kids so I dont know why I'm annoyed and feel pressure to pull together some kind of wonderful V-day surprise for him. I don't even have a card or gift. We got snowed in here in the northeast and the kids were home with me yesterday so I haven't had a chance to get out shopping. I got into my office this morning with a ton of voice messages from yesterday and crapload of work on my desk. I cancelled my therapy appointment for today because I'm sure I won't be able to sneak out for 2 hours in the middle of the day - that's how much work I have to catch up on. So WHAT special, wonderful thing am I supposed to be pulling together to show my love for him. This is twisted, I know. I should just be flattered and thrilled that it means enough to him to be home with me and the kids that he was willing to move and heaven and earth to do that. In fact, if I told him that I had no food in the house except for leftovers he'd probably pick something up on the way home so I didn't have to cook.

I feel crazy about this situation. Perhaps there's something more going on than meets the eye???? Love you, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:20am

Hey Girl-


 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 5:47pm

The value of a person is not measured by an applause meter; it is measured in the heart and mind of God.


Tina, thank you for that quote. (Was that yours or somebody else's?) I've been struggling with that issue lately and this helps me. I hope it helps others, too. :)


Keli, we love you, Sweetie! Please hang in there. I know it's tiring...most days it's an up-hill battle...but there are those around you who want to help you keep going. (Even if we are online...) :) Please keep posting and venting, if you need to. Love you!

Take care!
~ Kristin (AKA Aislinn)
kristinmmyers@hotmail.com


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:18pm

I got that from a person who said it to me and I wrote it down. It is part of my affirmations. It has helped me too and I am so glad it touched you. I am trying real hard to be kinder to myself, which is real hard when I have spent all my life putting myself down. I want to be more at peace with myself so I can be happier. I have been told over and over again that I am responsible for my own happiness, so I guess I have to start by treating myself better. I am sure I will stuggle with this, but I will keep trying. Sometimes I beat myself up so bad and if another person was to treat me that way I wouldn't talk to them anymore. My tdoc says i need

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:59pm
KELI DEAR, Let me encourage you. You did for me. Its just one bad day today.
Their are more good days and bad days to live. And this sad time won't last too long.
when we are in our depressive sides its really tough to see that there is another side to the storm clouds. Sunny

My my pen to your heart.

Anna's Hummingbird