keli babes... triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
keli babes... triggers
4
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 9:20pm

hi babes...

huge triggers...... ed, si, od, etc.

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ate dinner and feel like crap. really worried cuz i think i went overboard with the topa, and dont know if the pharmacy will refill my script when i need it. its been like 3 wks or so that ive been taking 100mgs more than prescribed every day. so im 3 wks. ahead of where i should be.

my dad showed up at my work today with flowers, chocolates and a card for valentines day. he does every year. made me sick to my stomach. i could barely fake being happy. it took all my strength to fake it. everyone went on and on about what an awesome dad i have, and how lucky i am. and how terrible their dads are, and if they ever hear me say anything bad about my dad, they'd kick my a$$. well screw them. they dont know anything about me. im SO triggered. why cant he just leave me alone?!?!?!?!

i cant get sunday with bill out of my head. i feel so used, so dirty, so gross. i want to run away, to disappear. i never want another guy to look at me again. i hate him looking at me. i wish he'd go away forever. i'm freaked out about that guy from pdoc's office on friday too. cant get his creepy look out of my head. keep expecting him to show up at work, or in the parking lot. pdoc's only a couple blocks away from my work. so he couldve followed me or something. i hate men. friggin pig jerk creeps.

and as i sit here writing this, bill just sent me a text saying happy valentine's day. does he NOT remember that we are friggin DIVORCED?! because of HIM?!?!?! did he FORGET that he CHEATED on me?!?!?!! that he DIDN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ME?!?!!!?!

my company rolled over my 401k, for NO reason. without telling me. AND - DID - NOT TELL - ME - WHERE - THE - FRIG - THEY - ROLLED - IT - INTO!!!!!!! so i lost the money that i would have been vested, if it stayed put. AND MY MONEY DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not to mention today being a nightmare day at work anyway. im so pissy that everyone has had it with my attitude.

im so triggered. this is the worst day. i want to si so bad. i want to purge. all i want is pdoc to be back. then maybe i could handle some of this. i wont be ok until he's back. and i wont see him for another week and a half. how am i going to last that long? remember what i did last month? ive got that in my head for friday, so i can check out for the weekend - or so. this time i wont call pdoc. god i wish your y was working.




Edited 2/14/2006 9:56 pm ET by canyouhearmenow
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 8:04am

okay...as for your dad...f him...throw that crap out...in the freaking road and run the heck over it...now...as for bill, tell him to leave you alone...you aren't little beth any more and you don't need him...text him back and say it...you are strong enough to do this...you have to do this...he's setting you up again, the sadistic bastard jerk...do not see him again. if you do, its going to get worse...he is trying to gain control over you again...and he thinks he is getting it...the pig from pdocs office is gone...i promise...

F Valentine's Day...its over.

Topamax...i think you're right...i don't think the pharmacy will fill it that soon. you have to stop taking that much...are you out yet? mine is gonna run out too, but my pharmacy will fill it up to 7-10 days early, with pdoc's approval...so IF I HAVE THE FREAKING MONEY, i can get it then; if not, I'll be out too for a week. PDoc will increase it, if you ask him...but you have to wait until he gets back. Just take what you have left, and split it up until you can get it again.

Friday...no you WILL NOT...but you WILL call me...I will be at my MOM's alone...she will be asleep...my cell will also be free after 9:00...we'll talk it through together...

Work - so freaking what what they say or do or care about...they don't know JACK and they don't need to know JACK. As for your 401k, talk to your personnel people and FIND OUT what the hell they did with your money.

SI...well, if it happens, it happens...do NOT beat yourself up. I mean it, Beth. You are human, and hugely triggered right now.

I'm going to email you my numbers again to yahoo. Before anything happens, you better call me...Promise me.

I'm okay...don't worry about triggering me...BELIEVE ME, I cannot be triggered anymore.

I love you and I mean that. Listen to what I've said here...post back. I'm here all day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 3:08pm

hi babes...

what a day. i flipped out on my boss today about another ridiculous project that was dumped on me today. it'll take me a week or so to clear up, and it's someone else's mess. they're too stupid to fix it themselves, so i'm stuck with it. and once again, in a few weeks, my boss will forget that i had to do this, and come down on me because MY work isnt done. and to top it off, this moron is a sales rep that was paid commission on this mess, and im in accounting and have to fix it for them, while they walked off with a ton of money that they won't get charged back on. GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

i've heard ALL day, are you anorexic? no, tell me, are you throwing up? how the hell are you losing so much weight? from EVERYBODY. because im wearing my new clothes, that actually fit me. its not fair. im so disappointed, i feel like crying. i was so excited to get some new clothes that made me feel good about myself, and all i get it negativity.

im not sure if its this, or everything, or what. but i am urging for a burger so bad. i guess i need to punish myself.

bill. its too late kel. hes alraedy got control over me again. and its too late. theres nothing i can do about it, im not strong enough. three weeks ago, before we went out together for hte first time, i was excited about seeing him again. remember me, BPD girl, her mind going off about getting married and having kids? and it took 2 wks before i was sick and tired of being around him. that happens to me all the time with people. once im around them for more than a week, i cant stand them anymore and back away.

but as much as i hate having him in my life again, i dont have the strength to fight him. hes too controling. too manipulative. i know its little beth. but little beth has been in control for 28 years now, and has the upper hand.

i just dont know what to do anymore.

i have dbt tomorrow. id like to get help with the topamax problem. but you know what that witch coach will do if i bring it up?! instead of helping me, she'll friggin call my pdoc and tattle on me. what kind of therapy is that?! what a waste.

friday. id like to lose a couple of days (or so), instead of just being miserable. i cant stop thinking about my dad's surgery, and its triggering me even worse. on one hand it was good that it was postponed since pdoc's away this week. but on the other hand, now i have to think about it until the 21st, and then all the recovery time after that.

whatever. i just cant think about it anymore. its too much. i want to disappear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 8:52am

Beth...

I knew about Bill 3 weeks ago...from one bpd girl to another...can't fool me...but i didn't know it was too late...kinda figured as much when u said u didn't wanna see him, but kept seeing him...BTDT. Ask anyone...lol. K, we have to let pdoc work on that one, seeing as I am no help there...I'm stuck in 2 bad relationships...one bad (but not) marriage, and one bad friendship with an ex boyfriend who I love/hate.

As for ana...omg. I'm still wearing my clothes...but they are about to fall off...my size 18 jeans i cannot wear anymore. My face has thinned out a great deal...my dh asked me to please eat last night...so I ate a pbj sandwich and felt so ugh afterward. When I eat, I have to be able to feed my dog half of whatever it is...ana???? LOL I can drink coffee in the morning...usually some water during the day...or some pretzels on and off, not many...and not a lot at night...just can't...am losing weight fast...but can't eat...last time i got on the scale 2 days ago, it was down 12 pounds and that was during a/f...dh hid the scale again.

as for this weekend...we'll talk more about that later.

love you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 10:36pm

it just keeps getting worse. why cant it stop? why cant the world stop crapping on me?!

my brother just called to tell me his family is moving an hour and a half away. they'll be gone by the end of the month. him, my niece and my sil. the only support i have in my family is leaving me. my baby neice is leaving me. now i have nobody. now when im su or od, i have no big brother to come pick me up and take care of me. no baby neice 20 minutes away to cheer me up and be goofy with. ive been crying since he called. i cant stop. i need to si, its the only way to get myself under control. my f'ing parents. it's ALL THEIR FAULT.

what am i going to do without them babe?! i cant bear to not have them around. i just cant. i need them. how f'ing dare they leave me! they know i need them. fine. let them go. everyone else goes. what else is new.

im at a loss without pdoc. things are getting worse by the day. today i realized that my dad's surgery is tuesday. and my mom's birthday is thursday. and i wont be seeing pdoc until friday. i thought all that crap was happening the week after next. i cant handle this w/o him.

i could have gotten away w/o visiting if my mom's b-day wasnt the same week.

what if something happens to him?

im having horrible, awful, selfish thoughts. your the only one i'd ever tell this to. i wont even tell pdoc this. about my financial situation becoming impossible, and me losing my car and apt. if something happens to him and he can't work anymore. or worse. i hate myself for this. but it's one of the things that is right up there. i keep burying any other thoughts that come up. they make me sick. sick. i just can't muster up much sympathy for the creep. maybe that's why my thoughts are going to this instead of being sick with worry like a normal daughter would be? please just yell at me and tell me what a sick terrible person i am, it's what i deserve. my thoughts are all jumbled and im conflicted. and you know what bpd girl does when my thoughts are conflicted. and she feels like she needs to be punished.

i am a terrible selfish horrible person.

this will be an awful weekend. i have nothing to look forward to. dont even have enough $ to rent a movie. nothing to do, nowhere to go. except to be alone with my thoughts, and some rum and coke. unless i carry forth with plan b, which is looking better and better by the minute.

i don't have my laptop back yet. so i don't have my journal. all week i've wanted to type in my journal since i dont have pdoc to talk to. some of it ive wanted to to write down so i can bring to him. but i cant because i have my moms laptop.

i just give up. im miserable all around. you know. dad. bill. now my brother. mom. surgery. valentine's day. bpd. ptsd. ed. topa. and no pdoc.

i just took 300 traz., 400 seroquel, 6 ativan. if im not feeling better in 10 minutes im taking another 400 seroquel. to hell with work tomorrow. ill sleep right through it.

what's next. im afraid to wake up tomorrow. im afraid to find out what's gonna happen next.