uhm....
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| Wed, 02-15-2006 - 5:11pm |
Hi guys, sorry I havent been around lately, I just kinda wanted to crawl in a hole by myself and never come out, I wasnt really depressed, just wanted to be by myself.I am so all over the place and sick of meds and insurance companies and all the bs. Pdoc upped my lithium but it didnt do anything that I can tell. I cant focus EVER and I cant think straight most of the time, but somehow I am doing good in school. I dont even know what is going on in class most days but I still do well on tests, I dunno..maybe I am just lucky or something. I freaking HATE school. DH thinks Im crazy because I say I hate it but I get straight A's....he doesnt understand at all. I cant really explain it to him very well either.
I dont know if any of this is a side effect of the meds or what, I tell pdoc and she doesnt really say anything about it. I have another appt on the 27th and I am going to tell her all of this again and see what she says. I know all of this seems petty and stupid when you all are dealing with much worse things....but I hate it. I cycle so much that as soon as I feel like I am going to be manic, five minutes later I am sad, then five minutes after that I am furious, then laughing like a loon...and over and over and over all day long. I try to go to sleep at the same time, but I never fall asleep at the same time and I never stay asleep for the same length of time so that seems kind of pointless.
I started taking fish oil twice a day but its only been a couple of days. I dont know what to think, I thought if I took my meds regularly and tried to eat better and exercise and get enough sleep and all the other bs that they say we should do, that I would feel better, but its not working! I am doing everything I can freaking do and its NOT working...I talked to pdoc today and told her I dont have medicaid anymore...they freaking make me soooooo mad, I have it one month and the next month its cancelled...I dont get it. So I told her that and she said there are no other meds that she can switch out for the Lamictal so I just have to find the cheapest price for it and buy it outright, and the lithium I can afford because its really cheap. But why the heck arent they working??? Thats what I dont understand? Grrrrrrrr.
My cycling is super fast but its not huge most of the time. I get a little manic then a little depressed then back and forth and then every couple of months I get super manic or super depressed...is that good? I mean before it was huge cycles really fast so its a little better, but it still sucks pretty bad. I want to not cycle at all and never have super manic or super depressed times, isnt that the point of meds in the first place? Am I just not understanding something?
Anyone have a clue?
Rebekah


you sound a lot like Keli right now...I know she has a very hard time with the rapid cycling.
God could not be everywhere, so
Rebekah,
You're a rapid cycler, like me...and let me be really honest here...YOU WILL ALWAYS CYCLE, meds or not...BUT, your cycles are "smaller" like you said and I wish like hell I was there where you are...mine are still HUGE. But hopefully, I'm getting there too...the cycles are SO fast, but when they come, they come hard for me...that's what I hate the most...keep taking the fish oil...get some Folic Acid...my pdoc swears by it...I have some, but stupid me forgets to take all the dang time...and hang in there...k?
You're doing well in school the same way I'm doing well at work...how? dunno either...but at least we are...I hate work too, with a passion...but gotta do it...at least I'm being productive and not messing up. Or so I think, lol.
I've been thinking about you a lot. I'm so glad you posted.
Love you!
Keli
Well I might should rephrase that a bit...my cycles are smaller when I am not triggered by anything, once I am triggered...everything is out the window and who the heck knows whats going to happen next. Im out of meds AGAIN! Isnt that just peachy? ugh. Me and DH got in the biggest fight this morning, because I was mumbling and didnt answer him exactly how he wanted me to. So he went off, then I went off and told him he should go away for 20 years...LOL. He always complains about doing things for me but then everytime I turn around he asks me if I need him to do something. Im like if you are just gonna complain about it why the heck do you ask me if I want you to do it? So I told him that he does it just so he can complain about it later, and then he says that I am not doing anything around the house and its always messy and I am still forgetting everything and losing things and blah blah blah, all of which is true. Then I told him how I stayed up till 3 am organizing all my folders for school so I wouldnt forget things for class today and how I am trying my best to do everything and its really really hard for me...and maybe he understood, or maybe he didnt, I dont know. He triggers me soooooooooooooo bad,it sucks. He finally got a job, he started yesterday, at Walgreens working in the pharmacy.
Keli, how much fish oil and folic acid did your pdoc tell you to take? I am just taking the amount it says on the bottle, but I was wondering if there is a better amount to take.
Rebekah
Hey...as for fish oil...I take Flaxseed Oil...lol. Pdoc said to get it, and take 10-12 PILLS (gelcaps, whatever they are) A DAY, yes, a day...its so hard to remember that...and I haven't been doing it...as for the Folic Acid, 4 a day...more than they say on the bottle...2 in a.m. and 2 in p.m. The flaxseed oil is the MOST important. They only recommend 2 a day...but pdoc says for it to stabilize BP, it has to be MUCH higher than that...and WHY I DO NOT DO IT, I HAVE NO IDEA. I will start. Stupid me.
Anyway, yes, I am too much "more stable" ha ha...if I'm not triggered...but it seems as if i am ALWAYS triggered. So I dunno. What do u do, ya know?
Hate it too. DH's suck big time. Mine tries really really hard to get it...I give him tons of credit for that...but he DOES NOT get it.
I forget things too...I am so not organized...its because our brains are ALWAYS going...ALWAYS cycling...they NEVER stop...its why we can barely sleep at night...without meds...if I didn't have meds to sleep, I wouldn't ever sleep. Ever. I can't remember a dang thing. If my work weren't so repetitive from month to month...I don't know. Luckily, I've been doing this work for 9 years.
Sucks to have rapid cycling. Hard to treat. Pdoc said its the hardest to treat...but said it can be treated...just takes longer...HA, 5 years so far for me.
Hang in there...we'll get there...
Love you...
Did your weather get better?
It got hot again....which doesnt help any. I LOVE the cold, go figure. Flaxseed oil hm? I read to take fish oil for the omega 3 stuff...I guess you can do both then maybe? I am so sick of freaking cycling...im totally down in the dumps at the moment...all because I watched a damn TV show that made me cry, and it wasnt even bad, ya'll remember that show "The Nanny"? I love it, so I Tivo it everyday and watch the reruns. Speaking of TV shows...I am grounded, I cant watch Law and Order SVU or any other crime drama anything because it makes me sooooooooooo upset. DH wont let me watch them at all...expecially if there are kids involved, they make me so sad and then I get furious at the world for being so horrible. I have never been able to watch TV and not feel overly emotional about it though, I feel like I am a part of the show and not just watching it yanno? I have a really hard time accepting that its just TV and isnt real, in my mind I just think that somewhere it could be real so that makes it real. That just makes DH think im crazy...LOL. Anyways, im babbling.
Rebekah
Rebekah,
Law and Order SVU is my "trigger show"...and wouldn't you know it? Its my favorite show. My dh's favorite show...and I hate it and then I get angry at the bas**** who did the SA and then get all messed up...ugh. I LOVE crime dramas.
I got all down last night too...for some stupid REALLY stupid reason that I won't even go into here, because its so stupid. But to me, it was really real. Cried myself to sleep even. Now, this morning, I'm okay...a bit up even.
Whatever.
I don't get it, never will get it...
Hope you're okay today. Love you!