keli triggs
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| Sun, 02-19-2006 - 10:14pm |
hi babes...
triggers.....................
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sorry i didnt get in touch over the weekend. knocked myself out friday right after i got home from work with lots of seroquel. slept right through until late sat. afternoon.
then i babysat for my niece sat. night. it was so hard, knowing it was the last time i'd ever babysit her. and the last time i'd see her for a long time. i cried and cried after putting her down to sleep. and then saying goodbye to my brother & sil. they wanted me to spend the night cuz they didnt get home until 3am, but i had to get home, i needed to si, and make it go away.
now there's no hope of my niece and i ever having a close relationship. and now i won't be able to protect her and watch over her. she needs someone to protect her. i need to watch her! she might not be safe up there, and there's nothing i can do about it now. my sil has a friend who's an older man (in his 60's), and an alcoholic. he's the guy they're renting their new place from. I NEED TO PROTECT HER!!! she's not safe. i want to keep her with me all the time, so i know she's safe.
pdoc is going to be so upset with me. its been 3 times this week that i cut w/o calling him. he told me to call if i needed him. but i just couldnt do it. secretly, im so mad at him for leaving me when so much is going on, even though i miss him so much. i tried to count the scars on my arms tonight. i stopped when i got to 150, there are plenty more, and those are the ones that still show. i remember many more that have since faded.
today i went to my parents. just to put the nail in hte coffin. my nephew was there and i figured i should finally get to know him. but triggered myself to all heck by being around my father. heard him telling my mom about his f'ing swelling and (*&)*^&*^ and stuff that i want to pour battery acid in my ears because i can't get it out of my head. I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH THIS WEEK. I WILL NOT MAKE IT.
i was so dizzy this morning i could barely stand up. i was worried i might pass out driving on my way to my parents. then i realized that i hadn't eaten since thursday, and all i ate then was a little ice cream. i didn't even know it. i've felt so nauseaus, i can't eat at all. i weighed myself and i lost 3 lbs since fri. so i forced myself to eat a little something, and the dizziness went away. it's the first time that's happened to me. where i just forgot to eat for so long-4 days.
well it's off to bed, back to work. life is so awful. and it doesnt seem like it will ever get better. it only gets worse. "see" you on here tomorrow afternoon.
love ya

trigs too
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i'm sorry too that i didn't call you...so sorry...can't talk much or i will cry...
i'm really bad off....
faxed a note to pdoc
trying to stay out of i/p...dunno.
i'm getting psychotic...can't really tell the diff btween dreams and reality right now...having horrible dreams when i'm a wake...haven't done anything...but its getting bad
was at my parents...my ds went...i was bad all wknd...was so mean to them...told my ds i wanted to kill myself...how could i do that to him...yelled and screamed at both of them...said f you to my son...
depression bad...most depressed i've ever been...can't remember...can't focus when driving...missing all my turns...don't know whree i'm ending up...got to work late this morning...trying not to cry...i hate life...for real. pdocs won't help me. don't know how to put on the work face...
cell phone off...house phone will be off today...dunno how anyone can get in touch wiht me.
wanna cut so bad..wanna do something, but on't even have enough focus for it...
scared to talk to pdoc...don't wanna go i/p...
wish i could help you...but i love you...