Called pdoc again
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 02-20-2006 - 12:01pm |
they still haven't called me...2 of them now, and they still have't called...the fax i sent them was very detailec and very specific...i've taken care of all my loose ends at wokr written down stuff for the other scretary i don't like to take care of my financial apprvoals for work...told my dad i was trying to stay out of the hospital, but i do'nt think i can...i dunno...if i go to the er, i will be in the waiting room for hours before i go to the behavioral health center...don't you love that word...just means psych ward...why the hell can't i maintain mental health for more than a year??? sucks. my boss is at luch...can't tell him...don't wanna tell him...but need to...can't...crying too much...can't breathe right now either...
why the hell won't the damn pdoc's office call me??? i just asked the nurse to verify they got my fax, that i couldn't stay at work anymore...but that was the only place they could get in touch with me...ugh.
if i don't go i/p, something bad will happen...if i go, i will HATE IT...I WILL HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE IT! my ds is home, cuz of stupid president's day...i will have to face him, tell him...i just wanna go somehwere and hide...please...please...
my brain is buzzing and i have these popping sensations and i can't take it much longer...
why am i even waiting for pdoc? i just am HOPEING they can do something so i can stay home...i can even stay off work for a week, if they would do something...but if i do, i don't know...i just don't know anything...
flashback are so bad too...not jusst the abuse ones...
plus, my parents are driving me NUTS...can't take it...my dh is the only one who isn't...he is my only salvation...but i make him so miserable...
i can't make sense, i know...
god...i hate htis...it isn't fair...i go to bed with hope, then i wake up and want to die again.
should i just leave before i talk to podc? and what about my boss? my work is all done...caught up? shuld i just email him? scared to like this...i can't make sense of anything...should i just go home and go i/p?
i hate this...i feel so terrible...and incompetent, like a failure...
but then my mood changes...its just never been this bad...the confusion...the not being able to tell what my reality is...
i dont want to have to go home and tell dh and ds i have to go to the hospital.

can you drive to your pdoc's office? if they arent going to call you and you are this bad off you need to get in there now. just take your lunch break and tell your boss you will be gone a little longer than usual and may not be back today. If you go to your pdocs office they will have to do something about it quickly.
I know how it feels to not know fantasy from reality, it happens to me alot. Its very scary and there isnt much you can do about it without some strong meds, I never tell pdoc about that because I feel like I am "too" crazy. YOu have to go see him or keep calling them, over and over and over again if you have to. So what if you bother them and they get upset with you, you need help and need it now. I seriously would just go there and force them to deal with it immediately.
Try to stay calm the best you can, your ds and dh will understand if you have to go home and are really out of it, explain that this is the worst it has ever been and you are really scared, and just do what you have to do.
I know nothing I can say will make it better but know that it will pass.
I love you
Rebekah