Have yall ever....
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| Mon, 02-20-2006 - 2:12pm |
felt like you dont know what you want out of life or who you are? I was thinking today about what I like and what I dont like and the person I am. I know I hate my life, everything about it is wrong, but I have no idea what I want. I dont remember a time when I was happy, I dont remember a time when things were good, well manic times and drug induced times, but no "real" happiness. When I was a kid I wasnt happy, when I was a teenager I was happy but it was drug/alcohol induced or mania or both, same with adulthood. I have been searching all my life for what makes me happy, and nothing does. I have never "wanted" anything. I dont give half a crap about anything in my life, I love my kids because I have to, I love my husband because I have to. In all honesty, had I not had vision problems and not been so mentally screwed up, I would have never had kids and never gotten married and none of that crap. I love being by myself and wish like hell I could be. But I know that on the other hand, if I was, I would have committed suicide by now. I dont leave because I am scared, I dont want to work because I am scared. I want to disappear because I am scared. I used to want to be a doctor, or travel around the world, but I dont have the money for that and I cant be a doctor..I cant see worth a crap, which only adds to the bs. I cant do so many things simply because of that and it makes me miserable. I cant even fing go to the grocery store alone or the mall or anything because the buses here suck so bad I dont have time to take the bus and be home in time for the kids to get home from school unless I leave at 8 am and then I have to cross a busy street which scares me to death. Then add bp to the mix and I dont trust myself to go anywhere half the time because I get fing pyschotic and dont know where I am. So in a nutshell I hate everything about my life and myself and I feel like I am stuck in a craphole and I feel like I am a failure at everything and its really just crappy.
Rebekah


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Are we the same person????
I think we are.
I am JUST like you. I'm doing a lot better now...cycling? Probably...starting some Lithium tonight...will it help? Dunno. I'll try.
We are so much alike its eerie. My fun, happy times were manic, drug induced.
So I don't know...
Fight, honey. Please keep fighting. k?
Love you.
Keli
I'm gonna fight...but I just hate this crap. Dont ever read Dr. Phil's book self matters...bs is super triggering. I was just like...how do you go back to your "real" self if you dunno who the f that is?
Rebekah
Everything Dr. Phil does or says triggers me...omg.
Ugh.
I dunno who my "real" self is either...guess this BP person is me...both (all) my different moods/personalities/stuff is me. If you wonder about that too long, its BAD.
Just know that who you are RIGHT NOW is you...in all your beauty, strength, and wonder.
k?
Love you...
I wonder if he has EVER done a show on bp....if anyone has.
God could not be everywhere, so
I looked on his website and it says he has an episode coming up, and he was looking for people to be on the show that are married/having relationship problems etc that are bipolar, I wanted to email him but DH wont go if we are picked so its no use. I thought about you Keli, but since you and DH are pretty okay most of the time I didnt know if you would want to do it or not.
I cant wait to watch and see what he says though
Rebekah
God could not be everywhere, so
that was my other issue, since no one knows about my bp, I didnt want to go out there with it on TV either....but I cant figure out how to make "me" ok outside of the bp because of it...so I need to do something yanno? I just dont know what or how.
Rebekah
In some ways...I think this whole 'finding yourself' is a bunch of crap.
God could not be everywhere, so
me and dh are only 'okay' because he only keeps me 'alive' basically...hate to say that...we have had so many issues, and HAVE so many, but i don't ever deal with them, because he is the only one who keeps me going and i am too scared to deal with the past issues...but keeping me alive and going is a huge thing to me.
we've only sugar coated them and gone on...buried the past and moved forward...
who is to say that's better? i dunno...it works mostly...
sometimes i'd like to go on a show like that, but he would NEVER go. NEVER.
oh well.
wow you sound like me and DH, I married him because I knew he would take care of me and give the kids some stability and that he wouldnt leave me. We are completely different people and he freaks out whenever I say what I really think. My actions are all messed up and I cant do anything the way he thinks I should...and maybe my way is all messed up but he is so moral and righteous about things sometimes I want to freaking strangle him. He has never done drugs or smoked, only drank because his friends were drinking, is so fing straight and narrow...which is good for me and for the kids in sooooo many ways, e.g why I married him. But he drives me fing nuts. I was really f-ed up before and im not much better now, except I have to hide it. When we first got married, I didnt hide my feelings...but as the days go on I hide them more and more because he doesnt get it and he doesnt help, it just pisses him off and makes him think I am a child...he has no idea about the psychotic stuff or anything like that. The only things he knows are when I get so angry I scream at him or get so depressed I dont get out of bed, and then he acts like I am a burden...but its ok. I have hope. One day we are gonna move to DC, I hope, and they have a metro, which will let me go wherever I want whenever I want and get the f away from him 80% of the time and then he wont have to do things for me so it wont make him mad at me all the time.
Yay life is great..pssht dont I wish
Rebekah
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