Have yall ever....
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| Mon, 02-20-2006 - 2:12pm |
felt like you dont know what you want out of life or who you are? I was thinking today about what I like and what I dont like and the person I am. I know I hate my life, everything about it is wrong, but I have no idea what I want. I dont remember a time when I was happy, I dont remember a time when things were good, well manic times and drug induced times, but no "real" happiness. When I was a kid I wasnt happy, when I was a teenager I was happy but it was drug/alcohol induced or mania or both, same with adulthood. I have been searching all my life for what makes me happy, and nothing does. I have never "wanted" anything. I dont give half a crap about anything in my life, I love my kids because I have to, I love my husband because I have to. In all honesty, had I not had vision problems and not been so mentally screwed up, I would have never had kids and never gotten married and none of that crap. I love being by myself and wish like hell I could be. But I know that on the other hand, if I was, I would have committed suicide by now. I dont leave because I am scared, I dont want to work because I am scared. I want to disappear because I am scared. I used to want to be a doctor, or travel around the world, but I dont have the money for that and I cant be a doctor..I cant see worth a crap, which only adds to the bs. I cant do so many things simply because of that and it makes me miserable. I cant even fing go to the grocery store alone or the mall or anything because the buses here suck so bad I dont have time to take the bus and be home in time for the kids to get home from school unless I leave at 8 am and then I have to cross a busy street which scares me to death. Then add bp to the mix and I dont trust myself to go anywhere half the time because I get fing pyschotic and dont know where I am. So in a nutshell I hate everything about my life and myself and I feel like I am stuck in a craphole and I feel like I am a failure at everything and its really just crappy.
Rebekah


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my thing is this...i've gotten SO dependent on him now though...way too much so...he does all the cooking, and cleaning...and i depend on him for my happiness COMPLETELY. now if you knew me 5 years ago, you would say get the F outta here...i was SOOOO independent...so completely independent...never depended on a man for crap...ever. Was thin, beautiful...had boyfriends, fun, girlfriends, my own place...money...BUT BOY WAS I MANIC! AND ON DRUGS! and i had no idea...but life was good...and fun...and i felt like i was contributing something to life! now, i feel like a freaking freakshow from the circus or something...i mean, come on...ya know? once i started these damn meds for bipolar, life stopped for me. My life changed and it has steadily gone downhill...i am being COMPLETELY honest here...minus the drugs thing.
I wish with all my heart sometimes that I never went on BP meds. Sometimes I even wish I'd never gotten back together with dh. I got back with him at the same time I went on meds. Yes, he has been with me thru all the hospitalizations, the psychoses, the hallucinations, the suicidal crap, the self injury crap, the eating disorder crap, the weight gain from the meds, the my being completely USELESS crap...the sexual abuse memories crap...all of it...he's never left my side...the being on probation stuff...the coming off drugs...all of it...he's been there...but sometimes I wish I'd been alone...I would never have gotten on BP meds...now its like a no win situation thing...can't get off 'em. Stupid meds.
Sorry for this vent...but I'm being SO honest about how I feel...I hate BP, I hate the meds, I hate the treatment...I hate it all period.
But, on the other hand...where would I have ended up had I not gone on them? Would still be on drugs...probably wouldn't have my kid...no job by now...so on THIS hand, I'm thankful.
Sucks all around, ya know?
We just have to keep fighting, keep talking it out...keep trying to figure out our lives at this point, and find SOMETHING to do with it...
I have a car now...I can do something...I just don't know what. I have to stay the F away from my parents for awhile...I know that much.
Love you
wow...your pre meds person sounds EXACTLY like mine...except I married DH after I quit the drugs. I got on meds like two weeks before we got married and I was manic as heck because it was a new relationship and you know how that goes. So my house was spotless I was fun etc etc. then all of a sudden I crashed and he was like holy cow wtf is goin on? so he made me go to the pdoc and get some meds and I have been on them ever since...I have gained like uhhhh 60 lbs in the last year and half, partially bc of meds and partially because of not using anymore and actually eating for a change. But he missed all that, so he doesnt realize at all how much of an improvement I have made in my life and how much I hate where its going at the same time. I never had a job for more than a few months and I went to work f-ed up everyday when I did work and then I got fired or quit anyways. I was completely 100% useless , I took crappy care of my kids and everything else. It all got somewhat better after I stopped doing drugs..but I wish I was still doing them sometimes...it seems so much easier. Pdoc says that the drugs really mess you up when you have bp tho, that they arent sure exactly how all of em affect it but that its alot harder to treat if someone did drugs before. Anyways, my whole point was that I hate the way life is and I wish I wasnt on meds too, but DH freaking flips on me if I even miss a dose, much less quit taking them, hes the damn meds nazi im telling you. Its not that I miss being manic as I hate being held to such a standard that I think is bs. I want to say f you and do my own thing, but responsibility just wont let that happen yanno?
Love you
Rebekah
omg...this is like reading about myself...truly. my dh too is like the meds nazi...except he tells me all the time that if i really want to go off them to go ahead...but he says it all funny like...like he knows i won't...cuz if i do, i know that i will flip out and end up back in the gutter, so to speak...which i know i will...which sucks...cuz i feel like i have no control over my life...which in all reality i don't...and i hate it...and i hate hate hate hate hate it...my pdoc tells me OVER AND OVER AND OVER again that if i am using, the meds won't work...that they screw with my brain chemistry over and over again...and i'll tell what i was on...big time cocaine...and she's right...obviously. So i don't use...but there are some days...when the depression is so bad, that i wish i had that lift...but i reach deep down somehow within myself and i don't do it...it helps that i don't have any money...course, when i was using, i didn't have any money either, lol. but i had friends...i no longer have those friends...because of that very reason.
we gotta make it...we have no choice...
i have gained 60 pounds too...in a year and a half or two years as well...
all this is why its like reading about myself...its so eerie...
i feel better today. cycling up, yes...i was okay still when i got home yesterday...then i cycled down...I FELT THE CYCLE so literally...i hate it...but i fought it and i really don't know how...i talked to myself...i watched funny stuff on tv...then finally went to bed...got up this morning and am okay...and am praying like MAD this morning.
love you.
haha...mmmhmm we are just alike, I was a huge cokehead till I got pregnant with my son, then I stopped completely. LOL about DH acting all funny about you not taking meds...I have the same problem. I am manic as crap today. Slept like an hour and a half. I decided I dont want to eat anymore, so I had like maybe 500 calories yesterday just cuz I had to take my meds and I get freaking sick like hell if I dont eat with em. Today I had half a bagel..and didnt want to eat that. Im so sick of being fat and hating myself..I started reading that Dr. Phil book again, its all about finding yourself and doing what you feel is right for you vs what you do now that is for other people. It said I am really jacked up and need some serious help fixing myself...DUH!
Love you too and glad you are feeling better today
Rebekah
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