To all of you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
To all of you...
12
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 8:03am

I love each and every one of you...I truly do. You all keep me going when I feel like not going anymore. I thank you all for your support yesterday. It helped. I feel like I have people who really care whether or not I am here on this earth or not. Like I matter to someone other than my family. That means something, right?

I feel better today. Up cycle? Probably. But at least its better. Its not TOO up, so that's also better.

My pdoc called back at 5:30. She'll call again this morning. I guess she realizes that its just rapid cycling.

I did increase my Topamax to 400 from 350 and it seemed to help...I'll mention that. I would like to add 300 mg of Lithium like the new pdoc wanted 6 weeks ago...I think that will also help a lot. We'll see. Topamax is VERY good at controlling rapid cycling...Ultradian cycling??? Guess we'll see.

Its very frustrating. I did cycle back down again last night. I felt it very literally. But I managed to control it. Don't ask me how. My dh helps. He truly helps.

I figured out a big part of it is that I was VERY stressed out...with my parents again. I need a break from them. I hate to say that...but its true. I'm also finding a new therapist, or making an appt with the one I had before...I need to take it slower with her...she was moving too quickly for me. I wasn't ready for the EMDR. I don't know if she will take it slower, but I think I will call her. What do you think?

Anyway, thank you again for your support and friendship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 8:24am

Keli


I'm so happy you are doing better today !!!


I absolutely agree that you need to get back into see a tdoc, whether its the old one or new one...that really is your decision and your comfort level.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 8:37am

I would love to read that book...but until I have money again (in about 2 months) i can't buy anything...I am struggling with whether or not to see the new or old pdoc...leaning toward a new one...the other one moved WAY too fast for me...and I need therapy for so MUCH more than just that EMDR stuff she wanted to do.

Anyway, yes, I was in a very bad place yesterday, but doing better today. Thank God.

Love you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 8:42am

email me your address...in about two weeks when i get my tax return, I will send it to you.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 9:07am

I dont even deal with my parents because they drive me freaking insane and trigger me worse than anything else but DH. I was reading about topamax and want to ask pdoc if I can try it. What are the side effects of it other than not wanting to eat? I am on 1200mg of Lithium and it doesnt seem to be working any better even though she increased it. I am taking 200mg of Lamictal too, I dunno that it works at all. Blah meds suck

Rebekah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:09am

what about the public library, they usually can get just about any book you want. I am so glad you are feeling better today. I am so damn manic it is horrible. I cant pay attention to anything and I am super loud and irritating even to myself and ugh.

Rebekah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:32am

i'm not manic and not depressed, but something...its so weird...kinda don't know what to do with myself...been trying to work, but i'm having to kinda find things to do right now...have some big projects to do but don't trust myself to do them right now...so i just made a list of them and am doing busy work stuff...

i feel so weirded out man...

like i'm going down but not...its so hard to explain!!!! almost like i'm waiting on the change...like its been too long now and the swing hasn't happened yet...how weird is that???

pdoc hasn't called yet and i'm getting pissed cuz i'm sick of sitting by my dang phone waiting...need to go clean out my car, cuz the chaos of it is making me nuts...hahahahaha...making me nuts???

the weather up here is ugly...wish the sun would come out...hate gray weather...i feel much better when i have sunshine...

i am so weirded out and i can't figure it out!

ever feel like that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:06pm

all the freaking time, I just count it as a mixed cycle. You dont feel either way but you dont feel good, I cant find a word for it, but I know exactly how you feel. I wonder if thats our "normal",

yanno I was thinking today about the first time I was manic, and dood I was like 11 years old. I had made this friend in my neighborhood and she knew these guys, they were adults, like 20 or 21, and I decided I wanted to be a bigshot so I invited them over to my house to hang out in my room, they came in through my window...wtf was that? I had so many freaking stupid manic things....one time I flew to Dallas to meet a guy off the internet, luckily he wasnt too weird. Duh! God I feel like a freaking psycho today...hahaha like I dont always...hahahahah.

I was a spaz in class...couldnt stop moving and laughing and stuff. The guy that sits across from me is freaking hot and he's hilarious, always joking around and stuff, but of course he knows im married, but when im like this I have to force myself not to flirt with him. If DH knew he would never let me go to school probably, or make me drop that class at least. We have to do group projects and he is in my group for that too. Man, I really hope that I dont get much worse or I am gonna end up pyschotic and DH is working late tonight so I would have to deal with the kids by myself...and yeah, thats not so good. They end up eating popcorn or candy for dinner when I am like that. Ok this is long as crap so I am gonna shut up now

Rebekah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:24pm

omg...i can't even begin to tell u what i was like in high school...i guess it started around 10th grade...so i was like 15...i was the it girl...big time...had to be miss popular, and was...but with the wrong crowd, lol...the druggies, the thuggies...the bad boys...the bad girls...omg, but we had FUN...THEN, BAM, i get pg at 19, all that stopped and i moved into a bad depression...that lasted oh a good few years...literally...hit 23, joined a gym...had this personal trainer dude...and immediately became manic...flirted my u know what off...had a 5 year affair with him...and a couple others too...i was bad...dh never knew, or so i thought/think...maybe he did...rekindled a high school love/hate/sex thing, got on a plane, flew to DC by myself one weekend, told dh i was going to visit a friend...ha, don't know wtf he thought...came back home...all this while i had a kid at home...wtf...i dunno...AND, if this wasn't bad enough, during all this somewhere, got separated with dh, fell in love with 2 other guys...almost moved in with one of them...me and dh got back together once or twice, then separated again...i was on drugs the entire time from age 25 til whenever it was that i stopped...and its all almost a blur in my memory now...its much more than all that, but i can't even begin to write it all down...had 2 or 3 real psychotic breaks...4 hospitalizations...and rapid cycling...wtf.

So, yeah...go from all that, to NOTHINGNESS on these stupid meds...talk about an adjustment that I still haven't made...how can you adjust from that to this?

Ugh. Blah...and to heck with it all...lol.

Feed your kids popcorn and candy???? BTDT...many times...he's old enough now to feed himself, but doesn't...brat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 12:24pm

(((((keli)))) i'm sorry i wasn't here this weekend. it sounds like you were in a really bad state. i'm glad that you are feeling better. i understand the mood you describe. it's kinda how i felt a few days after i started the depakote. enjoy it if you can. i know it feels weird, but try not to read into it too much. that in and of itself could trigger a swing. so just let it be what it is.


hang in there and definitely call a tdoc. if you feel the old one went to fast, try a new one. whatever you decide, do it soon! you deserve to feel better and it's going to take a tdoc, pdoc and you to get you there. not to mention all of us here pulling for you.


i'll talk to you soon.


love ya,


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 3:03pm

man if I went into all the bs I did manic...17, slept with this guy I was dating, then slept with his cousin while I was still dating him..LOL. I started with all the flirting and guy stuff like super young...I remember the first time I saw a guy naked, on purpose, I was 11 and he was 18. My mom and brothers and sisters went to a concert or something. We wont even get into how many men I "dealt" with. I cheated on XH like two weeks after we got married with my ex fiance, who left me bc some stupid girl told him I cheated (he was in the marines and in VA) I was retarded. Alot more bs happened, XH had multiple personality disorder in addition to being a meth addict, so wasnt that nice? I didnt know till after he died that he had it.

I got pg at 19 too, was homeless,in winter no less. knew that when I had the baby I would have severe ppd because I had been mentally messed up my whole life practically, so yeah, I did the whole su thing and went to rehab because that was the only place to get meds in my town and my OB said I would "get over it" and that it was normal. I was like wtf???? So then XH took my son, showed up at the house one day after work with a cop and a temporary custody order, and took him. I was flippin out. Went to court got him back and moved to FL. Stopped doing drugs when I got pregnant and stayed clean till DD was like 1 or so. Then it was all over, started doing EVERYTHING again. It was highschool/early college revisited. I was alone for a few years, then I had a roommate, she took care of me and the kids for like ehhhh three years. She saved my life literally like a bizillion times. Right before she moved in, I had a plan to su again and was just waiting for a good time.

So long story shorter, I relate 1000%.

Rebekah

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