I think my brain is really broken...
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| Wed, 02-22-2006 - 8:09am |
Okay...so I was okay yesterday...talked to pdoc and all...didn't work out though, cuz something came up...went home...was a bit mixed still...and could feel my mood going increasingly up...and up...and up...until i was soooo what i call bad manic that i literally could not stand it...so i start rocking back and forth, and moving my legs, could NOT be still for anything...then i go outside to smoke a cigg and couldn't stop freaking pacing...talking to myself, trying to coach myself down...didn't work. DH asked what was wrong...I was like NOTHING...wanted to kill him, cuz he should freaking KNOW by now...but maybe not. So I finally took another Ativan...went upstairs and my mother called...yes, lovely. She asked me where her clothes were...WTF! I told her I did not know, but I was very agitated and could not talk right then...and hung up...the whole time this is going on, I was either crying or freaking so angry I could hurt something, someone, throw something, just SOMETHING. I knew this...so I took another Ativan and closed myself in my room...DH went across the street to his friend's house and then I really crashed...I don't have any friends to visit...not that I would anyway...I'm too crazy for that...so I wrote him this letter, TRYING to explain what I go through on a daily basis...but its so crazy sounding, its hard to explain...it IS! Its nuts. How do you explain it? It would be different if I only had cycles of weeks, or months at a time...but minutes and hours? How do you explain that? Anyway, I tried...Then...OF COURSE, I couldn't go to sleep...though I wanted to SO badly. Finally, around midnight I did...and then woke up this morning at 5...got up, made coffee, and stayed up...
I feel okay right this second, except for this stupid lingering agitation/manic feeling. Pdoc said the Topamax will take a few days to "kick in".
I have no life except for THIS. This stupid rapid cycling Bipolar disorder. That's the only life I have. And for how long? Probably always...there isn't a lot of hope for ultradian cycling BPs. Especially those that don't respond to treatment right away...and I haven't.
I told my dh last night that he needs to be aware that this could only get worse, and not much better. That I would always fight it...but that it could get worse with time. That is only reality...and he needs to know that. My ds is on his way to being an adult. But dh is going to be stuck with this, and I wanted him to know that...that's only fair.
I'm not depressed right now. I'm facing the reality of my disorder. Its not fair. Yes, its hell...but so are a lot of things. I did a lot of research and reading yesterday on ultradian cycling and talked to my pdoc too about it...I won't go into details. But its not wonderful. Its been almost 5 years now. That's just too long...I am treatment resistant, along with being ultradian cycling. A bad combo.
But...I'm not giving up...that's not what I'm saying here...I'm only talking...because nobody else is safe enough for me to talk to like this. I have to get it out. I have to say the words to someone and this is the only place I have.
I don't know what the future holds...not one of us do...but I do realize what I have...I'm not sugar coating anything...there is no point in doing that.
I'm not suicidal or anything like that, so don't worry. I'm just stating facts.
I will start therapy. I need ways to cope. I have to figure out how to deal with this. Right now, I'm angry. I'm very angry that I was "chosen" to have this...and it wasn't my fault. Its partly genetics...we know that. But partly something else...partly just that my brain is broken.
I'm also very angry at my abuser...we also know that trauma can "bring it on" in some people that have the genes for it at a young age. I need process it once and for all and it terrifies me and that's not fair. I have a lot of things to work on in my life and I'm not ready to do it. But I have no choice and even THAT makes me angry.
You guys didn't have to read this far...I just needed a place to write.

God could not be everywhere, so
I am so glad that you arent giving up. I wish I could say more than I am right there with you in all of it. I am a bit more treatment friendly I suppose, but now it seems to be doing less and less as the days go by. The not being able to explain things really sucks. I tell DH "I am sick of living like this" he says, "we have a house, a decent car, enough money to live, the kids are in private school, our marriage is okay..whats so bad?" and then I think...it is okay because of that but inside my mind I am insane...but how do you describe insane? I hate school...because I am a freaking manic spaz or so depressed I would rather be anywhere but school...and I am sure you feel the same way about work. He thinks that because I am not laying in bed all day long and not crying constantly and not flying to other cities and stuff like that that I am not manic or depressed and I am okay...but uh, nope. I am never good manic anymore. Its just the laughing like crazy about nothing super restless about to explode manic and I want to spend lots of money to make it go away, and I have to fight with myself so I dont cheat on him...but can I say that? nope. Some of it they wont understand, some of it they cant understand, some of it I think they dont want to understand and then some of it they think we are full of crap and making it up. We have to be strong for ourselves, I guess.
I agree with not having friends, I dont want any. I dont want to have to smile and pretend to be okay when I am not okay, I have to do that enough. The only person that I call a friend at all doesnt even know I am bp.
Ugh I forgot where I was going with this
Love you
Rebekah