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| Sun, 02-26-2006 - 6:37pm |
Hi, it's been forever since I last posted here...I so hope you all are doing well (Keli, sending you good thoughts especially!). It's been so long I wouldn't even know where to start to sum things up, so I hope it's OK if I just pop in with a question...
My one word to describe my mood right now would be "great"...which I know is pretty bizarre for me, especially since I'm now *off* all my many antidepressants (decided to go off most of them with the psychiatrist's help, and went off the last one myself).
And also, since my body is in a pretty pitiful state...I've had a sinus infection for 2 months that I haven't been able to shake with antibiotics, now possibly affecting my eye (getting a sinus CT scan tomorrow)...but worse, the Topamax (which I am still on for migraine prevention) has made me so incredibly nauseated lately that I've hardly been able to eat solid foods for at least a week, and have lost 10-15 lbs over the past month (and when I'm 5'3" and now passing 100 lbs on the way down, that's not so great!). And what I can eat comes back out again, thanks to diarrhea from the antibiotics.
Sorry for that description! Anyway, things couldn't be better! So I was just wondering, can I hang on to this as a wonderful happy mood, or when is happy a little more than "normal," if that makes sense? I'm having a little mini-party-for-one in my room, doing laundry and dancing around, though I'm so weak from not eating that doesn't work so well...and normally even my parents get concerned about how frugal I am (I'll hardly buy a thing without a coupon), but yesterday, I made two trips to Target, and then bought more things from them online at 3 in the morning...
But at this point, not a single part of me wants to face any thought that this could be abnormal...and after all, I've been depressed for so long that I don't think I know what normal "happy" people are like! But I just wanted to throw it out there before I go see my psychiatrist tomorrow...I'm going to have to tell her I went off that last antidepressant (it made me sleep up to 16 hours a day!), but I'm not exactly sure how to face her otherwise or what plans, if any, to make...as far as I'm concerned, whatever I'm on right now is working! (except I'm worried I'll probably have to go off the Topamax anyway, and find another migraine/mood med, because off the weight loss I've had).
THanks for reading this novel...hope you all have a good evening,
:) Rose

Is this med student Rose in St. Louis?
Thanks very much, Marci...yes, it is me, the med student in St. Louis...sorry it's been so long! I haven't been on this board mostly because it had seemed pretty clear to me that I wasn't bipolar (and probably to my psychiatrist too? though she doesn't tend to make any clear statements to me about diagnosis...I think she doesn't like to "label" people too much).
I was on so many antidepressants (3 different ones at last count), and was still going through times of deep depression. And it's been so long since I've last been happy like this (it's felt like forever, but I guess it's been more like a year or so? it's all been a blur).
I've missed feeling this way...I had several episodes in college, weeks at a time, of feeling "high" or both high and low at once...well, I don't miss those, since those were some of the worst things I've gone through...so I don't want this to end.
I'll see what the doctor says, I guess...I'm not even sure what to tell her at all. To be honest, I think I should be really concerned about my physical health...even those liquid nutritional supplements nauseate me now, so I've been surviving on Gatorade, with the very rare slice of bread when I can manage it, for days...but I'm so happy I couldn't care less! Oh well!
Thanks again for listening...I guess I should try to get some sleep...hope you have a good night,
Rose
Hi Rose! I remember you from I think the depression support board? Anyway, just my .02 on your post. I tend to generally feel the way you described. I'm overall a very happy and perky person, but I can tell when the happiness and perkiness has turned into mania - it's overall a different feeling.
One thing to mention to your pdoc, sometimes starvation or very low calorie intake can cause euphoria. I don't know exactly how to explain this, except that when your body is deprived of, or not receiving, sufficient calories, it sends out a natural chemical pain killer. I know during times that I've restricted calorie intake I've gotten something like a "buzz." Almost feels like I'm high. Watch out for euphoria possibly caused by these chemicals.
Either way, gosh darn it!, I'm glad you're feeling giddy. Love, Mo.
Rose,
Lord girl, that kind of diet is enough to send anyone into a tailspin!
Thank you very much, Mo...yes, I used to post a lot on the depression support board...good to see you again! I can't seem to concentrate long enough now to write a long post (I guess my energy has gone up more?), but it was good to hear what you had to say.
It's strange for me because I'm usually the opposite of perky...I almost always run at calm to apathetic, almost some level of depression. OK, actually, to be honest...this year most of the time it's been very depressed. When I once told my pdoc I was feeling OK, not great, she said "I don't expect 'great' from you!".
The nausea must be the Topamax I'm on, never had this problem before...tapering off now myself since haven't heard back from my neurologist...and slowly can eat a little more bread than before, but still not much.
I hadn't thought about that euphoria from lack of calories, but I think that could be possible...oddly enough, I don't look bad or sick at all...actually, I've been getting compliments left and right, and have been running around like crazy, all on no food for days (and before that, months of only Boost and very little food because I've been nauseated that long).
Thanks again...hope you are doing well yourself...I lurk on the depression board sometimes (hate that word "lurk"...but I do check in and read). I'm going to stop the Topamax altogether tonight (that's what my pdoc advised me to do today), and maybe I can get back to food and then see what happens from there.
:) Rose
Edited 2/27/2006 9:36 pm ET by rosa444
Thank you, Marci...i think you're totally right about needing to get better nutrition before I can figure out what's going on. So far, it's only been one day off Topamax, and a little bit of the nausea is improved...but I've also have been having stomach aches and diarrhea for quite a while that I think might be something else (probably related to the antibiotic I was on for my still-ongoing sinus infection...wow!).
Guess I will have to keep my eye on actually eating when I *do* feel better...I've struggled with eating "issues" (close to a disorder) in the past, and while I know my current diet/weight is very unhealthy and is not my choice, I admit I do kind of enjoy my smaller size and the compliments I've been getting (now getting down towards 95 lbs at 5'3", though, so I know I look, and am, less fit and strong than I'd like).
Except I do miss exercising...I have so much energy I'd love to channel into running, but my body wouldn't handle it right now, though I've thought about doing it anyway. I do run around my room though, and pace while I try to study because I can't focus and sit down long enough otherwise.
The only way I've been calm enough to write this email is that I took an Ambien a little while ago...lately, that's been the only way I could get any studying done (which is ironic, since Ambien is supposed to put you to sleep and even give you short-term amnesia!).
My school work is definitely suffering...I try to start reading, but can't even stay in one seat for any amount of time, much less force myself to sit through hours of lecture in class! (when I was depressed, I couldn't study either, but for other reasons!).
And (this is something I would normally never mention, but it's late, I'm woozy on Ambien, so why not!)...I'm embarrassed to say this, but normally I'm probably the *least* sexual person I know...well, at least during depression. And I normally don't even want relationships, don't date, any of that...and have many of my own "issues" surrounding that anyway (*very* naive and inexperienced here, to say the least!).
But recently I really started wanting at least a single friend to be kind of romantic with...which is not like me...and even trying to restrain myself from flirting with my non-single friend and missing him (when I've never thought he's the kind of person I'd like). Or ideally (which is so "wrong" in my sense of morality), just to have a guy, any guy, to be close to...if it weren't for the fact that I have no idea how to find that kind of person and have that kidn of relationship, I almost think I'd be willing to do it.
Sorry for the euphemisms...guess I just don't like to think of myself as "that kind of person"! Anyway, thanks again...I hope maybe some of this is just rambling all related to the craziness my body has been going through in terms of nutrition, etc...if it's OK, I'll post again later to give you an update. And I hope you all are doing well...I'll read through some posts to hear what you've been up to if that's all right.
Thanks,
Rose
Edited 3/1/2006 2:05 am ET by rosa444