keli girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
keli girl
1
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:54pm

hi love...

thanks for the talk last night. felt better after getting that out. still feel really out of it today. that girl in the mirror (whoever she is) is so pale, and looks like she got punched in both eyes. like death. i was bad again last night too.

my boss, well he's still pms'ing, and i think its me. i dont know what i did, but everything i do to try to fix it seems like it makes it worse-like he just doesnt want to be around me. i hate him, but need his approval so bad, i cant rest until i have it back.

two more days till pdoc. ill really go off the deep end if i dont see him this week. im pissed at him. its like he's trying to avoid me. he could have seen me this week. he acts like he cares at the appt but then as soon as im out the door, he doesnt even remember who the frig i am. he gives me that load of crap about how i matter, and how he cares, and to call him if i need him and all that rubbish. what do i matter to him? im just another number in his thousands of headcases. im gonna wear a tank top with a light jacket over it to my appt, so i can show him all my new cuts and my scars. show him what happens when he forgets about me and ignores me when i need him.

the girls at work told me i need to take some valium today, and calm the heck down (not their exact works either). im off the friggin wall. im manicky in a really pissy mean way. im making fun of the stupid new girls. im loud and obnoxious when people do stupid things, im quick to laugh at them in my loud obnoxious way. cuz people are REALLY pissing me off. only got like 3 hrs sleep, was up at 5:00, which is really unusual for me.

anyway, UGH. remember poppy's stupid ARG thread? well that was mine. crapola. hope your days going better. im sorry to just vent. but i know your the ONLY one who gets it.

love you soooo much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: canyouhearmenow
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 3:07pm

hey honey...i can really realy really relate...omg. i am really quiet...but very cranky and irritable...hate the being quiet thing...after being so talkative, and loud and friendly and outgoing...now i'm down and depressed and i hate it...the wellbutrin better kick in quick...

i can't stand to be around anyone right now either...not people at work, my family, dh, anyone. its why i told you last night i wished i lived alone sometimes...i do NOT like this...its got to get better...yeah, the rapid cycling thing is better, but its got me too far on the down, bitchy side...not fun...not not not not not fun.

you aren't bad...i know it feels that way...but its not true...its life and bp and bpd and all the other bs crap trying to make you believe it...and yes, pdocs DO make you believe that crap and then go on about their business...he was wrong for letting you hang for over 3 weeks like that, knowing your state of mind.

you need some rest...how is your appetite today? i got on the scale...didn't gain, but haven't lost anymore yet...was terrified i gained a ton in the hospital...thankfully i didn't...i refuse to gain...i work out tomorrow...

i'll catch up with you tonight.

love you...