What would you like to ask of family and friends?

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
What would you like to ask of family and friends?
8
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 1:59pm

I've seen lots of discussions over the years on how family and friends don't always deal very well with the loss of your baby, they act like it never happened or that you should be done grieving a short time later.

How do you want your family and friends to be there for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Hi Melissia, Wow what a sensitive subject. I have to say my family was great. They where sweet and genuinely in pain with us. and know it is a long road for us. Now my friends?..well mostly deserters!!..just stopped coming around,calling? (Expect one.) I guess giving us room?..really? just left me feeling angry with them and alone in a serious time of need. So be sweet to the person,ask if you want to be alone?...Do they need to talk?..can I give you a hand,babysit any children they may have so they can have a little time to cry and greive. I had to hide out in basement and shower so my other kids didn't see me falling apart!. And BABY SHOWERS, PREGNANT FRIENDS,ANYTHING BABY IS VERY UPSETTING...GIVE US THAT BREAK! I had happy mommy to be friends that said sorry one minute and want to see our ultrasound pictures?...NO! NO I DON'T!!!! ....So you are most likely never going to understand our pain, we get that. just be a Friend...The one wonderful friend I have prayed daily for me,texted encouraging message, and even sent me and my husband Date in a box!...candy,a funny movie and popcorn..because we where to sad to go out the first few months..It was so wonderful!!.. Well I Hope this helps someone. ...Star
Lilypie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2011
Thu, 06-30-2011 - 11:07pm
Time. Nobody but others that have gone through this will know how you're feeling. I dont think that family realizes the severity of how devistated you feel and for how long. They will never understand. They just expect you to be the way you were before this terrible tragedy happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Fri, 07-01-2011 - 12:55pm
Exactly. They seem to think that it follows other losses, such as the loss of a grandparent or other family member, but it's natural to lose grandparents, it's natural to lose other family members, and the grief although hard is a natural grief that you will get through and return to normal... however, it is anything but natural to lose a child, and therefore the grief that follows is also unnatural. You will eventually return to a "normal" but it will be a new normal, you will never be the same as you were before the loss of your child. I too wish other family could understand that, but unfortunately, the only real way for them to understand is to have gone through it, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I read in a booklet given to me at the hospital regarding the loss... "when you lose your parent, you have lost your past, when you lose your child, you have lost your future". I think that's so true, and I think that the loss of the future is why this grief is so different and so hard to "get through".


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2010

Torie, you said it so well.

Marcy


 


Forever in my heart...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010

I agree with several of the previous posts about friends abandoning you...I have several colleagues that I considered friends who have barely spoken to me since we lost our son...and two who were pregnant and due within a couple of months of me that have NOT spoken to me (except for the obligatory "Fine, how are you?" if I speak first).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 11:04pm

I would like to say- Go ahead and send invitations to babyshowers and other events with a note that says you understand if I come or not. I feel totally alone and now I see people with new babies in my Sunday School class, never received an invite. It is like nobody wants me too close... it might be catching.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 11:09pm

(((HUGS))) Sweetie - I know how you feel!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
http://firefightermommy.blogspot.com/2012/02/for-moms-dads-who-have-lost-children.html

I had a lot to say about this in this blog post. I don't want to rewrite everything (there is also a link to a free ebook for friends).