Very Depressed Today
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| Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:34pm |
I don't even know what to say...
I'm so depressed...I just drove around for like an hour and a half...finally stopping and getting lunch and bingeing like crazy...didn't want to eat...but not knowing what else to do...I'm gaining weight again already on the Lithium...even though I'm not eating a tremendous amount of food (exept today). I even exercised yesterday.
Yesterday was a better day. I was calm(er) and happier...today its the exact opposite. I am totally miserable. I hate everything about myself and my life and just in general. I'm not cycling...I'm stuck. I got this way before and I was stuck here for a long time. I can't do that again.
I'm thinking really bad thoughts...things like in 3 years my kid will be 18 and I can just go wherever in the world I want...I can leave my dh, and my family, and friends (ha) and just go...
I just HATE feeling this way...I really would rather be the other way...its why I stopped meds before...and I am trying REALLY hard to be okay...in all aspects of my life...BP, ED, etc...but I'm sick of this...I've cut out caffeine...coffee, pills...because I could make myself manic that way...I'm trying to do everything right and it bites me in the A$$. Life just pretty much sucks and I never get a break, one way or the other, period.
I remember when I wasn't on meds and life was so much better. It was a MILLION times better than this BS. I've done what I'm supposed to do now for over 4 years...WTF. I have gotten nowhere. I've gotten a whole hell of a lot worse on the damn meds. Its NOT just because I was manic either.
I'm tired...tired of doing this...doing "the right thing" and making the pharmaceutical companies richer while I am getting worse, not enjoying my life...watching my damn kid grow up and missing out on his life...not enjoying ANYTHING because of BP and meds. I am SICK of hurting people's feelings all the time because I am irritable and agitated. I am sick of it all.
I know I'm supposed to "give it time". But I've given it time...over and over and over again. I'm tired of giving it time...I am losing so much time to this...
Oh well...don't even worry about it...
ugh.

Jodie
Jodie
UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH
I go to pdoc on Monday...but what good it will do I have no idea...heck, I just spent 6 days in a freaking psych ward...
I don't know...I just want to go home now and go to bed...and my mother called and said they might drive down to my house tonight...OF ALL THINGS!
god.
maybe i should have some caffeine of some kind...i had some pills, but dh threw them out when i was i/p...dummy...i hate him too...
I'm thinking really bad thoughts...things like in 3 years my kid will be 18 and I can just go wherever in the world I want...I can leave my dh, and my family, and friends (ha) and just go...
I think that every minute of everyday except for me I think in terms of I will be 40 when they leave and thats still plenty of time to do what I want in life. I love you and I know how bad it sucks to be where you are because I am right there too. If I gain another fn pound I am gonna kill someone. I didnt give up caffeine though, I went from a pot to two cups a day tho. I know you will keep going and the thoughts wont go away, tell pdoc if he doesnt fix this bs you will stop the meds and see what he says. I love you and wish I could help. Call me if you need to...I emailed you my numbers I think
Rebekah
So sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. Any room in that hole for me? No, I don't want to go there. I don't want you to either.
Keep hanging in there. And stay on your meds. That is part of what landed me in the hospital.
Keli,
Hang in there, Sweetie, it IS gonna get better!