keli babes
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| Sun, 03-05-2006 - 10:05pm |
hi babes...
i just missed you on y tonight. im so mad, i really wish i could have talked to you! how are you? didnt sound like you were ok last time we tried to talk, but it seemed like your phone crapped out. im worried about ya.
met w/ pdoc fri. worked out things with him. told him how pissed i was at him. it was really weird because he brought it up even before i did. and he said he had been going to call me, but figured that i was ok if i hadnt called him. sincei always called him when i needed him. and the bad news... he didnt get to go away, so in 2 wks he going to! so im already pissed at him again. yeah, this bpd therapy is really working, lol.
we didnt get to practically anything on my list, incl. the ed stuff, but i left the letter there for next week. now i really regret it, so im just gonna play it down. i joined a pro ana forum. now im really serious about this. i HAVE to drop this friggin weight, FAST. no more drinking or anything.
the girls at work are really pissing me off. they ganged up on me/"intervened" on fri. saying that im too thin, i have to eat, if i lose anymore weight i'll look awful, and sick. my boss calls me twiggy, the patronizing jerk. their just jealous. i don't know what the rest of the world does not see. i weigh myself and am disgusted. they dont see that. they dont see how much more weight i need to lose. i should NOT be able to grab a chunk of fat on my stomach if i am "too thin". i am serious. this is NOT a person w/ disordered thinking speaking. this is honest to goodness according to healthy weight charts!
i got my cartilage pierced 3 more times sat., just for the si, of course. it felt so freaking good. the guy was like, ru ok? ru SURE ur ok? i am fiiiine. i wanted to get more done, but they won't let you get more than 3 at a time, cuz most people are wimps. i felt so good for like 2 hrs. course then i crashed. but it was great while it lasted. now ive got 4 cart., my conch and my lobes done. my boss will be pissed, lol!!! thats what he gets for being such a jerk.
well, ill probably come home for lunch tomorrow, so maybe ill see you on here. hope everytings going well for you.
love you tons!

Hey bethie...
Not doing that well...of course. really depressed...appt with pdoc this morning, but not gonna mention it...what good will it do? just gonna wait it out...tired of meds and changes anyway...we'll talk tonight...
love u 2
k.
UGH, lol
What else is new, right? I haven't eaten today...so I haven't taken any Lithium yet...feel nauseated, can't eat anyway...saw pdoc...nothing major...she does'n't do my therapy...so i have to find a tdoc...hate that...hate it hate it hate it...see my posts from earlier today...that's how my day is going...sucks.
its hot here...and i'm too freaking fat to wear any summer clothes...oh heck no...and i gained weight!!!!!!! maybe its why i havn'et eaten today...have to eat something to take lithium though...dangit...it is hot here though, which i do love...
i HATE my damn hair...wanna chop it all off...but i better not...probably just a mood...its like in that stage between short and long and i freaking hate it...
i hate my house...my dh, and being married...i hate everything right now...just wanna run away...but i bet its cold where you are...ugh...can't come there...but you can come here...k? lol
i'm really not cycling, though it probably sounds like it...i'm just hyper a bit from this Provigil pdoc gave me to take to get out of the depression...it gives me energy, but i'm still down...its all pms and stress related i think...maybe pms is why i gained weight???? no, i did eat a lot of junk this weekend...cuz i was depressed...ugh.
oh well, i'll talk to you later...
sorry the girls at work are being mean...how are you today?
love you.
hi kel...
im so sorry your dad's being such a you know what. treating your mom like that, anytime that's unforgivable, but when she's sick? come on! UGH! im so sorry you're stuck in the middle. but you can't let yourself be anymore. like everyone else said. you need to take care of yourself, and be with your own family. and your mom will get used to being alone, as unfair as the situation is, it's not yours to own.
im having a terrible day at work. stupid people poking fun at me. here have the rest of my lunch. and when i say no, "oh that's right, you don't eat! hahaha" shut the f up!!! im gonna lose as much weight as i can between now and friday if it kills me. and then over the next 2 wks while pdoc's away. coffee is a real good appetite suppressant.
i screw up everything i touch. i feel like im high. just like last week, i feel like im dreaming. and there's nothing i can do to stop it. my boss has had it with me. he was going to start teaching me on new stuff to switch my job, and give me a promotion, but i think idea's shot to heck. i keep messing up, i can't concentrate on anything.
and im still not sleeping. cant get to sleep, then i wake up on my own at like 5-5:30. didnt get to hit on that w/ pdoc either. stupid 45 minute sessions are NOT long enough, esp when i hadnt seen the guy for 3 wks. and now i have ONE more session and he goes away again! wtf! what's the point of this therapy crap like this?!
whatever. all i ever do is complain. but im soooo tired, and feel sooo miserable. i wish we could be happy. it sounds so simple, doesn't it?
catch you later on,
love ya!
yeah, it SOUNDS simple...but for us, its not...and for me, it was taken away a LONG time ago...and i hate it and the person who took it away with all my heart...you know the drill though...
all i ever do IS complain...that's why i hate to even talk about what's going on with me too...i even hate to hear myself talk...its why i have no friends IRL...they got tired of me too...
well, going home now to bury myself under my covers...and talk to my dog...she doesn't get tired of hearing me...and i am going to pray that maybe i will feel better tomorrow.
love you