Tracey
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| Mon, 03-06-2006 - 7:58am |
I am still SOOOO depressed...I go see Jane this morning at 9:30...and I don't even know what to say...I have been depressed since I started the new meds...I have very brief periods of time that I start feeling okay, but then it doesn't last...my marriage is really starting to be in trouble, due to all this, and money problems...we are NOT intimate in any way anymore...because I just can't even fake my way to any semblance of happiness anymore...its been over a month since we've had sex even...he isn't working either and i'm starting to get really pissed and i don't trust myself to talk about it, because if i do, i will BLOW UP and say terrible things out of frustration because of my depression...i can't do that...i'm in an almost worse place NOW than i was before i went in that freaking hospital...dammit...i am barely functional again, and this time its worse, because at least then i was cycling back UP. Now, i'm stuck here...
I'm trying to give it time...but its bad...its real bad...i don't know what to do...i'm tired, sooooo freaking tired of all this...I'm faking my way through it as best I can, but I can't do it much longer...I have so much work to do...SO much...
I'm gaining weight again...but its my own fault...I ate too much this weekend...my rent is short AGAIN, by more than half...she's gonna get tired of that...and maybe she'll kick us out this time, who knows...
I do know that i have PMS. I do know that. So, maybe its partly that...but I feel HORRIBLE. I'm off caffeine too, and that's what was keeping me going before...
So, I think I should say nothing to pdoc...right?
Just need to talk...

well, saw pdoc...nothing major...got some provigil to kinda give me some energy and try to pick me up outta this...but i will never get better, not with all the BS i have to deal with...its never gonna happen...
she said i have this amazing strength...that i keep picking myself up somehow...yeah, the only reason i do is cuz of my kid...cuz if i didn't, nobody else would...lucky me! i got picked to have the best illnesses, the best dh, the best family, the best everything!!!
freaking sucks.
hope you're doing okay.
Sorry I didn't get this earlier - have been SO swamped still and one of my reps pulled me into his office and chewed me out because he came in on Saturday and snooped through my stuff and found out I was behind on orders. Jerk.
You SHOULD be telling Jane everything you have posted here. Every little bit. BUT - do not let her adjust your meds.
#1 - you are off caffeine. I have been fairly stable and that is kicking MY butt!
#2 - money money money - that will make even the most sane person crazy. Write Eric a letter. Don't worry about how long it is. BUT!!!! ONLY concentrate on money/work. Do not bring anything else into it. You can tell him you love him in it and tell him how good he has been, but don't bring up anything else complaint-wise. Just the work/money thing.
#3 - Wellbutrin takes at month or more to get fully into your system. It's been 2 weeks at most. PMS Always is hard on you. Plus, you are still adjusting to not having lamictal in your system.
Hang in there. I KNOW you feel worse then you did, just remember to take it minute by minute. Don't worry about next week. Don't worry about things that you cannot control.
Love you! Call me if you need me.
Tracey
haven't taken the stupid lithium today...dunno why. kinda nauseated and have only eaten a tiny bit...ugh. maybe its psychosomatic too, i don't even care...i'll try again tomorrow to be better...
this is a lot of reading, sorry...but read my other post about my family...