Cycled down

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Cycled down
5
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 4:42pm
I dont know why...I just kinda bottomed out today. I am moving so slow and am so tired and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. I fell this morning and hurt my ankle and my tendons in my calf are killing me because of it. My house is a freaking wreck and this is my day to clean...and I havent gotten crap done. I feel so damn useless all the time. Yuck. I mean I know all these thoughts are just bp and not really true, but it doesnt matter yanno? I still think them anyways and I feel like such a cow. I ate soooooo much today and it makes me so mad at myself. I found out today I lost my disability...which means I am gonna lose the Medicare...which means no insurance, which means no meds..AGAIN. I really feel like why even fn bother....I go off the meds every 2 or 3 months bc of insurance crap..so why even take them at all. Im not that much better than when I wasnt on them at all. DH says I am..but thats because he only saw the depression part, he never realized I was manic, but the depression was impossible to miss. They only got really bad every few months, mostly I had mild depression and extreme mania..and thats way better than this crap. I hate my life. I hate school. I hate being a mom. I hate cleaning and cooking and doing laundry. I hate having responsibilities. I hate everything about life today.
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Avatar for missyflanders
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: inky3405
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 8:45pm

Sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I know how you feel exactly as does everyone on this board. We are here for you. Hugs.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: inky3405
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 7:42am

We really are so very much alike...I feel the exact same way...dh says give it time...and that's easy for him to say, when he isn't the one in hell. He says I'm not giving the meds time enough to work...

IT SUCKS A-$-$! I'm sorry about the disability and insurance mess...I wish it were different...

I'm making a mess of my life again...and I am very much powerless to stop it...know what I mean? Yeah, the thoughts we have are "bp" thoughts supposedly...but they are still freaking THOUGHTS! True or not, they are all we got...and they are OUR life...yeah, I feel useless too...I went to my room last night around 7ish...stayed there...laying there like a dang fat cow doing nothing til around 9:30 when I went to sleep...I'm really sick of it.

I still wonder what the point is...I've gained weight again...cuz I'm so freaking depressed I eat...and of course, pms...and lithium...and I'm too damn lazy right now to care...but then I get depressed MORE cuz I gained weight...god. I'm a freak...

Call me if you wanna talk...post back and let me know how you are this morning...k?

Love you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
In reply to: inky3405
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:18am
We are the same mentally I suppose, because yeah "I still wonder what the point is...I've gained weight again...cuz I'm so freaking depressed I eat...and of course, pms...and lithium...and I'm too damn lazy right now to care...but then I get depressed MORE cuz I gained weight...god. I'm a freak..." so my thoughts too. I was gonna tell you Im sorry for not calling you last night, but I knew you werent good and I wasnt good and I didnt want to make you worse. Dont even talk about eating. By lunch I had eaten 1700 cal and 42g of fat. Then I had dinner, a chicken sandwich and four candy bars...so yeah, Im a freaking whale. Its okay about the insurance crap and the disability loss. We wanted to get an income based apt when our lease was up and because of my disability we can get it now. Its within walking distance of the kids school and the mosque so I am happy about it, the bus line is a little far but if dh can drop me off a mile up the road then I can catch a different bus and get to school easy, we carpool with my friend and take her kids in the morning so DH would be able to do that, and in the afternoon I can just walk from the other bus stop. So all in all it will work out I think. Today I am a little better, but I dunno if its the Lithium or hte Geodon, but I cant see a mfn thing. hahah I know...I cant ever see anything, but this is worse than normal. I tried to play a card game yesterday and couldnt see to play it. So that makes me feel even worse, and I fell in a hole in the grass at school yesterday and hurt my ankle...so that didnt help either. Blah this is bs. Are you better today?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: inky3405
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:33am

its almost sad to say, but i don't really know how i am...i think better...but i don't know...i will say better, and go with that...just ate, lol...i'm just sayin i'm eating cuz of pms right now and i'll get back on track after a/f...whatever.

i hope your ankle is okay...

i have SO much work to do today...SO much...and a meeting at 1:30...ugh...have a HUGE budget meeting to get ready for on Thursday too...so I really need to feel better for real and get my stuff done for it...I have at least a whole day's worth and even more and today is Tuesday already.

lol, get this...i was gonna go home at lunch for a "quickie", since its been a month, and a/f is gonna start ANY DAY and its hard at night, cuz our house is like small (i hate it) and for some reason ds is there ALL THE TIME NOW...anyway, lmao, ds stayed home from school today!!! isn't that perfect?

oh well...so, yeah, i'm trying very hard to be better today.

Love you!

k.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
In reply to: inky3405
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:42am

that sucks about ds being home...but it is pretty damn funny. Try drinking coffee...alot of it. That cycles me into mania...well it did before this fn Geodon. I know what you mean about it being a month. I usually go a week in between just because I dont really want to say no because then it starts a huge fight, and usually im okay after a few minutes anyways. So I just say okay even though I dont really feel like it. If it makes him happy yanno? Its not like it takes forever anyways.

My worst problem right now is that I am a fat freaking cow and I cant exercise at all. I pulled a tendon in my foot from working out and it hurts like hell to walk much less exercise and then my ankle crap yesterday...so I dont even feel like I can do something...and exercise makes me manic too...so that would be nice. All I did yesterday was laundry and fill out birthday invites for DD's party, her bday was yesterday. She turned 6. So basically I am lazy useless and fat and hideous looking and I soooo feel like one day DH is gonna be like "ok you are disgusting and im out of here"

Love you too

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