Okay, maybe I am making me crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Okay, maybe I am making me crazy
7
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:00am

So, I said yesterday it was my family making me crazy...but I think its just that I am making myself crazy...my mom did fine last night...only talked to me one time around 9, and for only like 5 minutes...no crying, not even mentioning anything about my not coming there or anything...and my did really did work at his job...

My dh says I completely freak myself out over the very tiniest of things...and he's right...I had this whole scenario that he was leaving me, because he was tired of me being BP, sick, depressed, and not having sex with him right now. I mean I had COMPLETELY "figured this out" and prepared myself for it. I'd started being VERY mean to him...because I wasn't about to get hurt again.

This is simply part of my Borderline Personality Disorder thinking coming into play. I guess when my Bipolar stopped cycling so fast, my brain decided oh heck no, something has to be going on up here, so lets' throw some BPD stuff in the mix.

Its very hard for me to think outside of "black and white". To me, its either, love/hate...bad/good...live/die...there are no gray areas that everyone else functions in. Its critical that I get therapy in order to LEARN those gray areas, so I can stop freaking out and going nuts when one TINY wrong thing is said and I go off the chain with it.

A lot of therapists don't want to deal with Borderline patients...but I have to find one here that will. That's a LOT of my problem...along with the PTSD, SA...BP coping...god.

Avatar for missyflanders
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:05am

Hugs Keli.Good Luck finding a really great tdoc. My fingers and toes are all crossed for you.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:22am

Right there with you, exactly the same freaking crap going on round here in my jacked up brain. I was reading some stuff on BPD and I thought I have it too but pdoc never mentioned it to me, but maybe thats bc I never tell her some stuff bc DH is around and I dont want him to flip on me about some of that crap yanno?

(((((((hugs))))))))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:25am

yeah, they don't know about the bpd...only i do...never told dh, or anyone else here about it...its like that's the REALLY CRAZY dx, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:48am

they rx mood stabs and ap's for bpd sometimes...but its usually treated through therapy only...you have to "retrain" your brain so to speak...and yes, there's a huge stigma...most BPDs SI, have EDs, are very resistant to therapy...have been abused at some point in childhood/early adulthood...acting out is HUGE...so tdocs don't want to take it on. bpd's also have a huge fear of abandonment and usually become attached to their therapists...so that's something else the tdoc's want to avoid.

not all cases of bpd are as severe as most.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:56am
the only tdoc I will ever go to on a regular basis is the tdoc that XH and DD see. I am comfortable with her already because I have known her and seen how she does in treatment for 6 years now but without being in therapy myself. If I cant get in with her then I wont go at all.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 9:45am

Keli,


I know you have all these disorders and that is a lot to have on your plate. Can you try to give yourself a break and STOP putting yourself down for your illnesses. Can you try to see you are MORE than an illness.


What about the tdoc that wants to do the EMDR(not sure if that is right) will she treat your bpd? If she is willing to do the other thing to help you cope with your past abuse that should have you on your way to putting a holt on the bpd. What do you think?


Give yourself a chance to heal. It is scary I know but you deserve to allow yourself the fight to get better. As you know the meds are only half the work of controling our illness. I believe in you that you can and will get a tdoc and work on what needs to be healed with Keli.


Love you- Tina

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 9:45am

Hey Keli! Big (((((hugs)))))) to you.

I found myself identifying with your post to a great extent. During my most manic episodes I had concocted scenarios in my head that weren't true but I started to act as though they were. There was a real disconnect. I don't know if I'm articulating this well, but I think you know what I mean. I get an irrational, manic-type thought and then run with it as though it's already happened. Then I can't even fathom circumstances where my concocted version of events wasn't true. In those rare cases that I've been able to slow down and actually get a grip on reality I can see that I've totally imagined the situation. Let me share a recent horror scene from my life:

As you know I have a 100% physically handicapped child. He weighs about 90 lbs. and even for my DH, who pumps up the iron almost every day, this kid is difficult to lift. He's like 5 or 6 bowling balls connected by a slinky. He has almost no muscle control. Anyhows, DH, being a man and all, is often too rough with DS. I think that guys always treat their sons a bit rough, wrestling and all, but you really can't do that with DS. He's just not strong enough. I've addressed this with DH multiple times and he didn't change his behavior. So fast forward to this past summer. DH was taking DS out of his wheelchair to change him, picked him up and tossed him on the bed too hard, hollering "hold on, we're in for a rough landing, bud!!" He had done this a million times before and I'd yelled at him a million times before. This time, unfortunately, DS's arm bent backward and broke.

I promptly threw DH out and concluded in my mind that this was abuse, that DH was an angry dangerous and abusive person. I wanted to get the division of youth and family services involved. I would only let him spend time with DS supervised. I contacted an attorney to represent me in the divorce and asked about getting DH's parental rights terminated. I then promptly started dating other men and searching out a new husband.

Okay, so 6 months have passed since this incident. The blessing was that as a result of this event I finally got some help for my mania.

While my reaction to this event may have been appropriate; i.e. sending a very strong signal to my DH once and for all that he CANNOT handle DS this way, I may have gone a bit overboard. Even so, putting all of that aside, I had ended the marriage in my own mind within a matter of days, and set about interviewing new candidates to be my husband. Is this, I ask you, a sane response to the situation??????? Wouldn't most people spend time "sitting" with the situation, mulling over feelings, crying, reaching out to friends for support, seeing their pastor or therapist, talking things thru with their DH????? NOT ME. I was all over the situation. When I couldn't get a grip on my thoughts and some friends were starting to suggest that perhaps my DH wasn't the monster I made him out to be and perhaps I didn't need to get a restraining order against him, I put up the white flag and got some help. When I finally came back to, I was able to consider the situation with much more sanity.

Boy, it felt good to type that out, Keli. I hope I didn't bore you too much, but I never want to forget what happens when my BP goes untreated. So tell me about BPD????? Does the story I just related suggest that I suffer from that as well????

Love, MO.

mo 7-18-10