Just want to talk about stuff
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 03-08-2006 - 12:09pm |
I dont know if there will be triggers or not...so if you are in a bad place..dont read me.
Ok so...I feel like someone ate me, spit me out then poopooed on me, and then I am supposed to function. I am so fn crazy, yall just dont know. I have been super depressed, so bad that DH wants me to talk to pdoc about getting back on the wellbutrin and paying out of pocket for it. He is being so good about everything right now, and its keeping me alive. I am psychotic but not manic...does that make any sense? Paranoid as hell, yeah I thought that I can feel inside my body and where my food is going down my throat and into my intestines and liver and whatnot, then my back started hurting and I thought it was because someone poisoned my drink from 7-11. I feel like if I eat enough that my stomach will explode and then I will die, so I just eat and eat and eat...how in the f are you supposed to lose weight with that kind of thinking? No weight loss books ever approach how to deal with that. DH keeps saying to exercise or drink lots of coffee to pull myself out of it, but this Geodon keeps that from happening, before it that all worked, now it doesnt. I fn hate this medicine, good thing I am going to see pdoc on Monday.
My 7 yr old DS asked me yesterday, "Mommy, why are you so sad today?" WTF do you tell them? I just said " I dont know J.J." Of course that made me feel worse, then I laid in bed for four hours and didnt even help DD(5) wash her hair and ate 2 bags of candy. You know what I really want, for DH to adopt the kids and then I can die and they wont go to my mother. The fact that if he dies they will go live with her and will cry so much keeps me from su. My DD said the other day (we talk about this stuff all the time bc of their dad that passed away) that she would be so sad if I died that she would cry for 1000 years and that she would miss me so much. I cant leave her, she already lost her dad, I cant leave her too. I love my kids, but I feel like such a failure, such a f up, worthless, useless, disgusting, I feel like the only reason the kids love me is because they have to, I feel like the only reason DH loves me and doesnt leave is bc of them. I want to go out in a miniskirt and get plastered and smoke like a bizillion bowls, do a few lines and just say f it. I dont care if I get AIDS or cancer or some other crap, because then I know I will die, I will just be said for DH, DD and DS, which is so fn selfish, but nothing is working and I cant live like this anymore.
I am an fn lunatic and I cant deal with this crap anymore. I want it all to end. Im sick of meds that dont work, I am sick of people who dont understand, I am sick of hiding it, pretending, putting on a happy face and secretly wishing I was dead. I hate this life
Rebekah


you have to call the dr. & get back on.
i unsderstand the financial strain...neither my over the top priced pdoc or my tdoc are covered.
but you have to.
okay, omg....u r NOT in a good place...i am so sorry i missed ur call last night...i went to bed so early...soooo soooo soooo sorry!
Now, Geodon has GOT to go...its fn u up more than anything...ap's CAN do that, quite easily...i know u don't wanna call pdoc, and monday is ur appt, so if u can hang in there, cool...but if u get ANY worse, u HAVE to call...something i found out about the wellbutrin...there IS a cheaper (generic) of it...its the PLAIN OLD Wellbutrin...NOT the XL, or the SR...just plain old Wellbutrin, that you have to take like 2-3 times a day. ASK PDOC FOR THAT ONE! PLAIN OLD BUPROPRION. GET BACK ON IT. You've been on the other a/p meds...ummm, trying to think of one that might help quick with the psychosis without fn u up, or making u sick...did you try Risperdal? It helped me, I just lost my period. I liked it a lot though.
Also, you might wanna go back up on the Lithium...it also helps the "down" side of the moods too...I also found that out too...don't ask me how, lol.
The depression and psychosis stuff are worrying me. You, just like me, hit hard and fast...but you have to hang on...you know you do...I could have said EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU POSTED...every one...but we talked about that not more than days ago. I know it sucks. I know its like walking through cement right now...and thank goodness dh is handling it.
I have my cell on, and with me. Its on silent right now, cuz I'm at work...do you have my work number?
We'll get through it, I promise. If I got through the last two weeks, then its just your turn. Now, let's get through the next two, okay?
Keep posting...as much as it takes...talk talk talk...say the same things a million times, I don't care...just post.
okay...things got alot worse, right when the fn cable guy was hooking up my cable no less. He only got it half done...he started having trouble with it and I just told him that DH would figure it out bc he has rewired it all before..just to get him to leave. I have been throwing up and cold sweats and horrible headache, DH almost came home from work but its his first freaking month on the job, so I told him I would handle it and to stay at work. I am "better" because the kids are here...but really....nah not so much. I have laid in bed all day because I dont trust myself to do much else. Im even letting the kids watch TV today, which they never do during the week...because I cant handle anything. I want to cook for them, they have eaten so much crap food the last few days, I want them to have real food, but I have no clean dishes and I cant clean the whole kitchen and then cook, I just cant.
I asked pdoc about the wellbutrin generic, and she said there wasnt one...I guess she was talking about the XL bc thats the one I was on. I will ask her about the plain wellbutrin. I never went back down on the Lithium, its still @ 1200. Lamictal is still 200 and the only thing I did was stop the lunesta and add the geodon 20mg. I fn hate this drug. The psychotic stuff is nothing new...so I dont think the geodon is really doing it. I have had it all along but thought since it wasnt "bad" thoughts, no harming people or anything, that it wasnt a big deal. SO what if I can feel my organs working...it doesnt hurt anyone...that was my thinking. I really thought everyone could...but reading what you guys say and about your pdocs opinions about stuff, I realize this is crap I should be telling my pdoc, just never thought about it. I told her a little bit and thats why she put me on the Geodon, but its so not helping.
I dont have your work number. Ugh I feel like crap
Rebekah
Ugh! How was your night baby? Any better?
I am calling my pdoc this morning to see what to do about the Lithium making me so tired...I was in bed as soon as I got home around 5 yesterday...didn't actually sleep til 10, but I had no energy, couldn't do anything but lay there...I havnen't taken my a.m. dose yet this morning. UGH.
Please post and let me know how you're feeling.
Yeah, the Wellbutrin...it may not be exactly called a GENERIC...but its just plain old Wellbutrin, not XL, not SR...and its cheaper...
Love you.