Bad Place Too

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Bad Place Too
2
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 10:51am

WTF is up with all of us being in a bad place??? Is it the full moon? Is it just freaking BP? I am so freaking depressed...Wellbutrin isn't doing me any good...period. I've given in 3.5 weeks now...and I'm still depressed. I'm also very agitated. That hasn't gone away either. Its from the Wellbutrin. So, its an easy answer, right? Stop taking it...but NO! I'm terrified to, cuz maybe it IS doing a little something and if I stop it, pdocs won't give me another a/d, and then I'll end up SU and I can't do that again!

K, so I'm starting the Lithium during the day again...I'm tired anyway, whether I take it during the day or at night. So I might as well be getting the full effects of it all day long while I'm awake.

But I'm freaked out about this depression crap. I am almost frozen with depression now, and I hate it. I'm being very mean to everyone around me...because I'm so miserable with my life. I cannot live like that, PERIOD. So, what do I do???? I won't stop the Lithium...though I freaking hate the side affects...its the ONLY thing that controls my cycling. BUT I WANT SOMETHING TO CONTROL MY DEPRESSION! I deserve it! I'm tired of living depressed! I want to live happy again...I have to FORCE myself to shower...to get out of bed (yes, literally)...to TALK to anyone...I have to FORCE myself to focus on anything but how horribly miserable I feel.

I can't do it anymore. I just don't have the energy to force myself anymore. So, I call pdoc???? I was there last Monday, told her I was still depressed but I would wait out the Wellbutrin...should I call her again? My next appt isn't until April sometime...I can't wait it that long...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:00am

Keli


I'm sorry you are in a bad place.


Didn't i/p say not to call pdoc all the time, especially to change your meds?

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:05am

sorry for the self pitying vent! i needed it though...i do feel that way, but, i CAN work on it...its not something that i CANNOT do. Yes, I'm depressed...but, once the Lithium works itself back out (please don't say i told u so!!!) i will start feeling better. Yes, I get agitated...that's because of the kind of BP I have and the meds I take for it...I have to learn how to deal with my agitation and not take it out on everyone around me...that's not cool, and I can't go on hurting people's feelings because of it. I have to get the F up from the freaking couch, GO OUTSIDE, take an ativan (LIKE I AM SUPPOSED TO), do deep breathing, write down my feelings, go release some of the negative energy and STOP FREAKING FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.

GOd, I am my own worst enemy. I make things worse for myself and I know this...but when the time comes, all I can do is yell at whomever is closest and hurt them...

That's not cool, and I know it.

So, I blew mindfulness this weekend horribly...and of all people it was my mother...and she doesn't even understand what agitation is all about. She just asks what hurts on you? I screamed at her for that even.

Then I feel guilty, and that brings on more depression...

I see the cycle...I just can't break the cycle...

Then my ds has this final project due for school that he had like 4 days to do, didn't do...he tries to blame me for not being home on the weekend to do it...i told him not to blame me...so, he'll problably fail 9th grade...whatever. He didn't go to school today...and I didn't even have the energy to force him...so maybe it is all me...

I just want to stay in my room...my mom asked me why i didn't want to be around people...i said cuz I didn't...that i just didn't...she said i needed to get out of that, i screamed and said no i didn't...that i could stay in my room and never be around anyone if i wanted...and that really is how i feel. i don't want to be around anyone...not even dh or ds.