On the way down...
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| Mon, 03-13-2006 - 11:43pm |
Hi again...lately it seems like I'm headed for the downward slope of things, though I'm hoping not. I'm not sure if it's the return of awful migraines since I stopped the Topamax (I was cooped up in my bedroom all weekend with the worst headache in years), or the start of my fibromyalgia and IBS acting up again...or just the expected downward fall after my few weeks of good mood.
I did just now start back on a lower dose of the Topamax for the migraines...maybe that had been keeping my moods in better check too...I hadn't really thought about that. Funny how the upward swing, and now this downward thing happened only after I stopped the Topamax! (I'd been prescribed it only for migraines, though...my psychiatrist said it has only mild mood-stabilizing properties).
Anyway, just wanted to say hi, and just that I'm not sure what to do with myself. One of those days when I'm irritated with everything...I feel like I just can't stand sitting through a class...but then I just can't stand doing anything else either...I just want to get out of my skin. The start of the muscle pain doesn't help either!
My period is supposed to start next week (sorry if TMI), so I'm wondering how much of this is hormonal...I always used to get very depressed the week before my period. I can only imagine how much worse this is all going to get by next week...my muscle pain is always 10 times worse then.
And exams are next week too, so I don't have time to deal with these things...already, studying has not been a priority, but there is a huge amount to do, and I'm doubting if I've got the motivation, or even the ability to concentrate.
Thanks for letting me get this out...sorry if there's not much point to this post...I'm finally getting a little sleepy after self-medicating...all day I look forward to being able to self-medicate to escape my head and body, which I guess is not a good sign. Anybody have any hints on how to stop this cycle before it goes any further?
Rose
Edited 3/14/2006 12:46 am ET by rosa444

Ha! You just asked the million dollar question...how do we stop, or get out of the downs? I wish I knew. I'm in a bad "down" right now and for the life of me, can't get out of it, though I'm trying. I tend to isolate myself anyway, because that's just the kind of person I am. So, when I get down, I shut EVERYONE out, come home from work, and go to bed. Well, last night, I came home, got my dog, and took her to the park. For an hour...it was something, at least and actually was pretty cool, until I ran in to my neighbor that I can't stand and she followed me the whole time. So I left. Today, I'm going to work out with a coworker. These things are HARD for me to do. So I'm forcing it. Mornings are AWFUL for me...I'm also not putting any pressure on myself to talk to my mother. I used to always do that...to make her feel better. Not anymore. I called her once last night, said I don't feel good still and wanted to let you know I was going to bed. And I did.
You know...Topamax is my other MAIN mood stabilizer...not a MILD one...and when I go off it, my moods go nuts. Just something to keep in mind. There are others here, and others not here that I know that Topamax is their first line stabilizer.
So, yeah...I don't know how to get out of this depressed state...I hate it...but I know it will end eventually...they always do...it just feels like they NEVER EVER EVER will. I'm really glad you're sticking around and reaching out and getting to know us. Whether you have a label of BP or not doesn't matter, what matters is we can relate to each other!
And boy can I relate to what you said about looking forward to the time you can go home and "self medicate". I wouldn't call it so much selfmedicating, really. Its your way to relax.
Hope you have a good day.
Love ya!
Keli
Yes the pms can have a lot to do with your moods right now !!!
God could not be everywhere, so
thanks so much, keli...you are such a great person for the kindness you show me through all these ups and downs, especially when you yourself are going through such difficulties. I'm sorry you're in a bad "down" right now...I wish there was something I could do. But I'm glad to hear you're forcing yourself to do what will help you in the end, hard as it may be...as you said, this "down" will end, and try to hold on to that.
I'm already self-medicated now (Ambien), so this may not make a whole lot of sense (sorry!). Good to know that Topamax is considered a main mood stabilizer...it's funny, I hadn't thought about its effects on my mood until just recently (since it was prescribed for my migraines).
But all my mood up-and-downs started like crazy after I discontinued the med...and now that I've gotten back on it (just for the short-term, probably), I'm slowly starting to feel like maybe I will be able to ride through this depression without too much of a major meltdown.
Throwing in another complication, though...my neurologist wants me to switch to from Topamax to Zonegran to control my migraines...Zonegran is not as much of a mood-stabilizer, I don't think...and I'm very concerned about its possible side effects anyway, so I'm not sure what to do at this point.
(I may end up just staying on the Topamax and trying to handle the side effects, though earlier they'd gotten to the point that I couldn't eat solid foods, and later couldn't even look at nutritional shakes (liquid!) without wanting to vomit...I'm going to try a slightly lower dose, though.)
I feel like if I *had* a diagnosis of bipolar, it would make situations like these much clearer...like to be able to tell my neurologist that I need a drug that will work as both a mood stabilizer and an anti-migraine drug (I've heard things like Lamictal might work like that...?).
As it is, my psychiatrist is not even the one prescribing the Topamax or even saying that I need a mood stabilizer at all...so that's making things complicated with all these different doctors.
Sorry, I'm not sure where I was going with all that. Yes, I can definitely relate to the feeling that this cycle is never going to end, and that it's so hopeless to be at the start of a downward slope and not be able to keep from falling. There's a lyric in a "Cowboy Junkies" song that I love: "If there's one thing / in my life / that these years have taught me/ that you can always / see it coming/ but you can never stop it."
I hope you will have some luck stopping yours...in any case, I love to hear from you too, and thanks so much for helping me and all the other women here through this. I'm so grateful to all of you for being here for me when life is tough...and when it's good, too! :)
Thanks,
Rose
Edited 3/15/2006 2:02 am ET by rosa444