keli... a rant, a vent, grrrrr
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| Tue, 03-14-2006 - 10:23pm |
hi babes...
ugh ugh ugh!!! not doing well, at all!!!
i am metabolising my meds so fast, my moods are all out of whack. i forgot to take my b/c pill for one day, and i already got my period. gained 1.5 lbs OVERNIGHT. wtf?!?!?!?! that's the LAST thing i need to see. im busting my butt here, making myself literally crazy, and that's what i wake up to?! it's insane. and now i've got my period to make my moods even WORSE, OMFG!!!
i have NO control over myself. why am i so ANGRY ALL THE TIME?!!?!??! i have NO patience AT ALL!!! my boss is coming back tomorrow. and im truly afraid. i simply can't censor myself anymore. whatever is on my mind just comes right out. and i'm already furious at him for the impossible deadlines, and stupid people that he left me with. i hope the ativan helps. i hope i have enough self control to use as much as i need to keep myself under control. when im like this, im GONNA lose my temper with that jerk. wtf, everyday, all day is me losing my temper lately. i have so much on my mind that i want to just let it rip at him. stuff you just DONT say to your boss. and it's gonna end with KISS MY *********!!!!!!!!!!
and ANOTHER THING. i finally was able to take my night meds last night. 400 traz, 200 seroquel, 100 topa... and i STILL could not sleep. ok, so now what do i do? if that didnt put me to sleep? yeah, so no wonder why i keep hearing stuff, but there's nothing there! i keep hearing someone at the door. the knob rattling again. just like in my nightmares. but there's no one there, of course. i know it's not real, but it's freaking me out.
next option, pdoc increases seroquel to hopefully put me to sleep. which puts on weight. so i wont take it. and adds lithium. to stablize me. i refuse to take it. just WONT do it. tough crap for him. refuse. lamictal is the only thing for me. so what if i cant calm down and get some sleep before i see him again next friday? any advice? i need to do something, im losing my grip here!!!!
sigh. sorry to rant on and on. i just cant seem to scream and vent and stomp my feet enough. there's always more and more anger where that came from.
thanks so much! your the only one i can talk to about htis stuff. i cant even imagine trying to talk to anyone about this. they'd either laugh me off the planet, run away for their lives, or having me committed for the rest of my life.
love you so much!

hey baby...i'm really sorry you're going through this...i went through the same thing too, right before i went i/p...not to scare you, so don't freak...i didn't need i/p last time, my pdoc could have given me lithium and i could have stayed out...now...i know you don't want to hear this...but lithium might be your only option...and don't freak out about a LITTLE TINY BIT OF LITHIUM. It won't cause weight gain...I'm on 900 mgs, and I've gained 2-3 pounds, but I'm on a/f, and BLOATED OUT OF MY MIND. So that's where my so called weight gain is coming from right now...not Lithium...My only options left were Lithium or Depa...and you SOOOOOOO don't want Depa again...To take a dose of Lithium, you only need to eat a tiny bit of food...nothin major...a cracker or two...something small...
Lamictal isn't going to cut it. There just aren't any options left.
You will gain more weight on Seroquel than you will Lithium. I promise. Especially with your eating such tiny amounts. You don't have to change that! You can eat something very small with Lithium...That was my mistake the first go round...I thought I had to eat a big meal every time I took it...but that's not true. Now, I eat something very small...a boiled egg...some carrots...3-4 saltines...just something small...and its been 3.5 weeks, and I've not gained any weight. I weighed this morning, and its just a/f bloating weight.
I've not steered you wrong ever before, Bethie...and I'm not now...take the Lithium...your BP is like mine...and the only way you're going to get some relief is to take one of the first line stabilizers, Lith or Depa, and F**K Depa!!! UGH! My pdoc told me just the other day at my regular appt that if Lithium doesn't work, I'll have to take Depakote and I will NOT EVER TAKE DEPAKOTE AGAIN, EVER, EVER, EVER! And I know you won't either.
I just got worse and worse and worse and worse, until I started the Lithium, and then, within a day, I felt so much better it was amazing. The only side affect is being tired, but that is just something to get used to. You can always go back off it, if you have to. But you have to try to get stable again. I don't necessarily like it either. But I disliked being so freaking NUTS worse.
Take as much Ativan as you can while you're at work so you don't get in trouble with your boss, and call me if you need me...try to do grounding as much as possible...you'll be okay...
I love you too, baby.