i cannot stand myself...

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
i cannot stand myself...
1
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 12:09pm
i cried all morning because i missed my life...i don't know how to explain it.
i came downstairs to empty the dishwasher & ate a big ole piece if the pie i made for the kids dessert....i hate myself even more.i'm hungry all the time & i wince when i see myself without clothes on.i once was the woman who looked hot at her age & now i have zero self conrtol.i'm not binge eating anymore but its like every calorie sits on me.i wish i had the guts to make myself throw up.
i can't get away from me.everytime i turn around i'm always there.
last month i had my period for 3 weeks..this time i FEEL like i'm going to get it but it never came.
nope...NO chance i'm pregnant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 12:35pm

hey honey...i don't think u really have to explain that to us here...at least i know u don't have to explain that to me...i know exactly how u feel...i was talking to an old friend yesterday and trying to explain that very thing...how i'm not the same person i used to be...and how VERY much i miss that person...and how i will never be that person again...there is a real grief process we have to go through, and very many of us never do...we spend all our energy missing that life so much that we never learn to enjoy THIS life...we never learn to LOVE THIS PERSON and we end up losing out on life...

I don't know HOW to embrace what we DO have now...but I want to TRY to find out how to do so. I want to learn to live again, SOMEHOW.

Yes, I'm 40 pounds heavier. But, I'm still me, somewhere deep inside. I just have to dig deep inside, through the depressive thoughts...the depression makes you hate yourself so much...it makes you NOT WANT to learn to like yourself...but do you really want to give up on life right now, when your kids are still growing up? When they are experiencing so much of their own lives?

I know its hard...I STILL go home every day and go to bed...but every day, its getting a little easier to try...and I think maybe that is the key...TRYING. I don't know Suz...but I do know that I don't want to give up anymore...I might never be thin and "hot" again...but inside, I'm still cute...and maybe if I think it, maybe it will come through on the outside????

I STILL get angry as hell at BP and what its done to my life...but its not ever going to change...so maybe I NEED TO CHANGE. Maybe I'll be happier, maybe if I stop feeling so sorry for myself, and do something to live the life that I have, maybe it will be better for me. I"m not saying this about you...only me.

Just know that i know what you're saying, and what you're going through.

Love you.

Keli