Thoughts...maybe trigs???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thoughts...maybe trigs???
5
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 1:27pm

I've been doing some reading...about BP...and thinking about MY BP...and thinking about what my pdocs have told me...and really, my BP is not as bad as I've made it out to be. I have over catastrophized it to such a degree that I've talked myself into believing it to be much worse than it truly is. Think about it. I haven't had a mania, a real one, in a really long time. Yeah, I get depressed...I admit that...but I was being treated for depression for many years before I ever had a manic.


The stress in my life...no, my INABILITY to handle the stress in my life, is causing my BP to be worse than it truly is. Think about the power and truth in that statement. I have given up even TRYING to handle anything in my life, because I'm too lazy and its too hard. Don't say I'm not lazy, because yes, I've gotten very complacent. BP has given me a very good excuse to just lay down and not deal with ANYTHING. I used to deal with things HEAD ON, as they came at me...and I may have gotten hurt, but I dealt with it...I may have gotten angry, but I dealt with it.

I have to start dealing with my life again. I have no excuses anymore.

The PTSD is also an excuse. It is. Yes, it happened, the abuse. But, its not crippling me right now. I can still deal with life. I dealt with that a long time ago...the pdocs and the tdocs always bring that up because they need a REASON. There is no reason...there just is. Things just ARE. Ya know? Yeah, the idiot that did it is a loser, a pervert, and all that...but he didn't beat me!!! Heck no! He'll never be the winner...I am.

I have never in my LIFE been this weak! Ever. And it WASN'T the mania. My life isn't all about mania and depression. It can't be. Its time to take control BACK, stop using the BP and PTSD, and all the other labels as a crutch and GET THE HECK ON WITH IT already. Yes, I'm BP. I always will be BP. But I bring a lot of the mood swings on myself. I want to live without all the meds...well, maybe not all of them...but this last time i/p hit me hard and this Lithium crap and the making me a zombie thing really made me do an inventory so to speak and be totally honest with myself about all of this. That's not how I'm going to live. 5 years of my LIFE gone...to BP. I'm not saying I don't need meds...but I'm not going to be all medicated out either. I'm not going to keep doing this anymore.

Its so hard to explain...I know there is no cure for BP. But I'm not like a lot of them. And I know that. I have isolated myself into this small little Keli's BP world place that nobody can get into, but what's bad about it, is that I can almost not get out. I'm not that sick. Why did I "talk myself into" being that sick? I've put my family through the wringer...and for what? Punishment? Attention? Who knows. All I know is I'm done...I'm tired of being taken care of...I'm ready to live again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 2:02pm

YOU GO GIRL !!!!


Wish I lived closer, I'd give you a hug !!!


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 7:45pm

Keli,


I'm all for fighting, but don't beat yourself up for not doing so "enough"--it's part and parcel of the disorder and it, along with PTSD, can twist our thinking in the most insidious way.


Remember it's a process and sometimes you need to take a break (and we all have our private pity parties, now and then).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 5:58am

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Keli)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm really proud of you! Please let us know how you're doing - and how you're doing it. I'm feeling those things right there with you (you just said them first) and I'd love ideas on how to continue.


I'm proud of you!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 8:54am

((((((((Keli)))))))))))))))

I am sooooo proud of you! You are doing so well, you sound like you are doing so much better all around. I hope that it all works out well for you, I am so sick of being on meds and trying different things that its making me wanna just stop it all together. But I know thats a bad idea too. You are taking all the right steps and doing all the right things and I totally can relate to being lazy about your BP, I did that when DH and I first got married, and he couldnt handle it so I had to start taking care of stuff on my own again. This might help your relationship with DH and DS too if you dont show them every emotion and make a big deal out of it yanno? You can handle alot of this on your own and with us here to support you, I know that you guys help me alot because there is so much I cant or wont tell DH that I tell ya'll. I am really proud of you and am so excited for what is about to happen for you in your life. Get out there and kick some butt!!!
LOve you
Rebekah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 8:38am

Wow Keli! I haven't been lurking on t his board too much lately, but I saw this post and just had to say ***CONGRATS**** It's the best I've ever heard you sound.

I could go on and on about my approach to living with depression and BP and addiction, but I won't and I think I've preached that all here enough. Suffice to say, there are some wonderful ways of coping with these mental disorders. I just can't end this post without one time encouraging you to turn it over to a higher power, as you understand him. Tell Him/Her/It that you've done all you can to live a good life and you're exhausted, can He/She/It please take the reins for a while? and show you how its done?

You're going to be just fine, Keli. But know that we ALL reach that point where we've had enough of ourselves - whether it's battling BP, or in my case with my addiction, where we decide that we just can't keep living the way we've been living for one more day. That's when some real progress can occur!

You stay positive and motivated, and I'll be happy to give you a jump start whenever you need one! Love and prayers to you, Mo.

mo 7-18-10