Manic Husband
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 03-17-2006 - 11:28pm |
Hi, I'm hoping some of you can help me. My husband is bipolar, with really long cycles. 10 years ago, he was manic and drinking and wound up with horrible depression - the whole cycle lasted about 10 months. 5 years ago, he was edging up toward mania, and (married this time, not dating)- started on the med-of-the-month club. Ugh. He quit all that after a year and a half, and took only a nutritional supplement, which worked beautifully. Until last September, when he started cycling up slowly toward mania. He got wild, and threatened me in November. I decided to kick him out, for several reasons. I knew going in that bipolar issues were a part of the marriage.
So. He is taking clonazepam, and it's not working very well. He is trying, not very hard, to get in touch with the doctor - they're playing telephone tag. Apparently, I'm the only one who thinks this is serious. He is not working anymore, hasn't worked much since November. He is angry, and talks in front of the children about how 'staying calm' is his "job". I don't want the kids to hear anything about this. They know he's angry all the time.
I am so done with the whole thing. This disease has usurped my marriage. We used to be happy together. Now he's angry and hyperactive all the d* time, and I just. don't. care. I can't listen to him philosophize, or talk at all, without getting resentful. (Yes, I'm going to get myself a therapist next Monday.)
But how do I deal with him? How can I tell him that I really expect him to hide his illness from the children, and to call the doctor? And that if he can't, or won't, do these things, then I will bring him to the hospital? How do I know when it's time to bring him there? I don't want to - I want him to get better. But he's not getting better.
Thanks for your help!
- Leona

Leona,
Dealing with someone in mania is really hard, but though it may not seem like it at times, it really is much harder (if not in the moment, eventually, dealing with the consequences) for the person who is experiencing it.
Leona
I agree with everything Marci said. I think that if you could get your husband to go to the hospital that it would be the best place for him. As for your kids, I dont know how old they are, but my kids are young, 6 and 7, and all they know is sometimes mommy gets sad or angry but that its never their fault and that no matter what I always love them but sometimes I get mad or sad and dont really want to be so its hard to stop it but that I am going to the doctor and taking medicine to help me get better and someday it will all be different. They seem to understand that. So they dont know about what exactly my illness is or how anything works but just that I am trying to get better.
As for what your husband said about staying calm being his job...I know you cant understand how that is possibly true...but trust me. I believe him 100%, when you are so manic that you are having problems like that, your brain is going 1 million miles an hour...think of watching a DVD on fastforward all day everyday and trying to understand the movie...then having kids yelling and a wife wanting things and trying to find a job and everything else all the time you have this DVD on fastforward inside your mind. Bipolar people have been clinically shown to have a harder time handling stress than most people because of the differences in our brains, so that makes some everyday things more difficult for us. I have never been able to keep a job at all. I have been going to college for 10 years, dropped out more semesters than I finished, all before I was medicated. I have been on medication for almost a year and have all A's and B's in school for 2 consecutive terms. I am still not completely stable on meds and am currently a member of the med of the month club too, but its better than no meds in my opinion.
I really hope things get worked out for you both and for your family
Rebekah
I don't have a whole lot of advice, but was wondering what the nutritional supplement was he was taking, if you don't mind sharing.
Missy
at bipolar.about.com under the children section I think there is something about talking to kids about this. They recommend using an old record player and explaining that depression is like a record on slow speed and mania is like a 45 being played at 78. It works with very small kids.
Just reassure them that their dads moods are not their responsibility but your husbands.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses! My husband left on Sunday to stay with his mother for a bit. He is isolated there, and she'll feed him, but it is only a stopgap. He needs real help. The doctor finally called him this morning, and said pretty much that since he's oversensitive to the Clonazepam, and none of the others worked (all over 4 years ago), that he couldn't help him. He never said a word about therapy, nutrition, new meds, mood stabilizers... Obviously, we need a new doctor. So I scheduled an appointment for him with another one - in 2 weeks, for $255! I suspect that something will trigger him between now and then, even if he stays at his mom's. It's very frustrating, as you all know.
I checked all the websites, and called the hospital today to ask about what their procedures and parameters were for bringing him in, if I need to. I made an appointment for myself, with a therapist, and I got information on a support group for him. I really hate not knowing how all this is going to pan out. He keeps asking for reassurances of my love, which is understandable, but really, really hard to give. I'm hoping that my counseling sessions (and ours together, when he's able), will help me define my boundaries with him.
I talked to the kids, even the littlest (he's 5) about what's happening. They all seem okay with it. Our youngest was really destructive today - I'm studying for finals, and his Daddy's not home, so I guess he's just being a worried little boy. I arranged to take both my final exams tomorrow, to get them over with.
Thank you again for all your prompt replies!
- Leona
FYI - he was taking Mannatech's 'Ambrotose' supplement. I'm a distributor, since it worked so well for him for so long.