keli...
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| Sun, 03-19-2006 - 8:53pm |
hi babes...
missed ya this weekend. how are you? did you stick it out with your meds or get in touch with pdoc?
speaking of getting in touch with pdoc............ mine never called me back! im freakin pissed. wtf. when i needed him so much. he never called. friday was a nightmare. i freaked out at work again. boss called me into his office, and tried to relax me, like some buddist monk. "the grass is still green, the sky is still blue. the water is still wet. it's going to be okay." omg, i wanted to kill him. but he did bring me back to reality a bit, and at that point i had the presence of mind to take some valium. better late than never. but it didnt raelly help at all.
so i left work, and HAD to see natural born killers. just had to see it, so drove around in a fit to every blockbuster in the area and none had it, finally found it at circuit city.
i took an od of traz. this weekend. nobody here to save me or stop me this time. and im sick of pdoc abandoning me, and couldnt stand calling him just to have him ignore me. i just needed to put mysefl out for a day or so. fri nite, took all my nite meds, incl 400 traz, when i woke up at 5 am, took another 400, slept until 10, took another 400, kept doing that everytime i started to wake up. until today. shoot, that ended up being at least 2400mgs. i just cant stand myself. i hate being around myself so much. i hate being so angry and agitated, i hate being so alone. so i put myself out.
tonight when i could finally get up, i went to the store to try to clear my head. guess what, im a size 8 now. i thought id be happy when i finally got here. but i really dont care. its a lifestyle now, cant see myself being any other way, even when i reach my "goal".

hey honey...as i said last night, i'm not doing well at all, of course, right? so...i'm getting back on meds today...well, trileptal, anyway...was still taking everything else...the topamax (that's still not doing crap for my depressed appetite, i seem to be eating my way through)...the wellbutrin that is ALSO not doing jack...ativan...the usual...so pdoc said Trileptal...I've been on it before...haven't you? I was soooo desperate I almost started Lithium again today, but it makes me soooooo sick, and so tired, and the other side effects I just can't tolerate. But that's just it, I'm desperate. I feel absolutely miserable.
So, I can't afford the Trileptal. Its not on my insurance's preferred med list. I don't have any money to get it. Not after just shelling out $150 for meds already just 2 weeks ago. And not being covered on insurance. Anyway, so I avoided my parents (and everyone) all wknd and stayed in bed...but my mom called me at work today...and to make a long story short my dad is sending me the money sometime today to get it.
I'm a big, fat, depressed, lump of nothingness right now. Literally. I put on the first thing I could find this morning, nothing to my hair, no makeup, and came to work 2 hours late...I've done nothing, literally, all day. Just went to Wendy's and got lunch, a burger and fries...I don't even care about anything...that's how depressed I am. I was a real WITCH this whole weekend...yelling and screaming...angry as heck at everything...still am so irritable...I'm even yelling at my own hair when it blows in the wind...yeah, I'm irritable...I'm stuck in this hellish place. I hate it. I'm scared to take the Trileptal, cuz of the side effects it may cause...agitation can be one...I'm already agitated...sleepiness can be one...I'm already sleepy...UGH. I need to stop reading about it...
I just hate it all. HATE HATE HATE HATE it all! I want to sleep it all away too. But you have to promise me you won't do that again, okay? Unless I know about it and am aware of when you are doing it, so I can call 911 or something if something goes wrong. I fully understand your need though...and your desire to go out for a while...don't you see pdoc this Friday?
I'm going to my parents this weekend...I can't face another weekend in my house. I hate my house. Even if my dh is there...I hate it. I guess its my way of running away, but not. My mother irritates me, but I kinda block her out...I hate running from life...I really do.
I am going to TRY REALLY HARD to not give in to this depression...but its trying to kill me...the last 3 days have been almost more than I can bear. Nobody gets how hard it can get so fast...my kid asked me yesterday if I stopped my meds...(yes, I did...). That he noticed was like a slap in my face...I hate BP. My pdoc keeps throwing up PTSD in my face, but its just FREAKING BP! Get that in control, why don't you!!! Give me something that freaking works without turning my brain into mush and I'll be okay.
Ugh...I miss you. And I'm SOOO jealous of the 8 thing, miss thang...i'll get there one day, well, i'm too tall to be an 8, but a 10-12 omg...u gotta help me again.
How are you today?
Love you tons,
Keli
hi sweetie...
sorry i keep forgetting to tell you about how i made out with trileptal. i really really wanted it to work for me cuz i was coming off of depakote, and pdoc was trying me on that. but that was teh stuff that made me so dizzy i couldnt see straight. remember i took it in the morning and by the time i got to work 10 minutes later, my vision was so f'd up, i couldnt even see straight enough to see my computer screen. and could barely walk even. my boss had a "heart to heart" with me and told me that i needed to call my doctor and tell him that i was having a bad reaction. but i wanted to give it more time to see if i would get used to it.
i was so upset, cuz i wanted it to work so badly. guess it worked out ok, for now at least since lamictal seems to still work. but last week when pdoc said he'd add lithium, he had said trileptal first, until i reminded him that i cant take it. :(
i feel so embarrassed at work now. like everyone's talking about me, and thinks im really sick. after what i did last week. i lowered my a/d, and took valium all day, so i was calm today. which makes my mood swings stick out even more to people. i feel like such an idiot, a jerk, a fool, an embarrassment. i dont even want to show my face there anymore. people walk by and give me this "look" and i know what they're thinking. i wish i could undo what i've done. my friends didnt even talk to me today. it's like they are afraid of me.
it just hurts so bad. i was so out of control last week. i guess i cant make excuses, cuz i should have been able to stop it. but i sure felt out of control when it was happening. and now look what a mess i've made.
damn im tired, took my meds already. need to get to work on time, got yelled at today for being 20 friggin minutes late. screw this place, i've had it.
love you babe.