Saying the wrong thing...really wrong...

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Saying the wrong thing...really wrong...
6
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 8:30pm

Edit: triggers later on in this post...

Hi...I'm still at the studying grind...after Thursday it will be over. I also have gotten what seems to be a bad colitis from taking an antibiotic, as well as my usual migraines, so I am just hoping to make it through these exams intact and then try to get myself healthy again, if that's possible.

But my question has to do with a conversation I had during a (short!) study break with friends. We were just joking, talking about silly things...and then something came to my mind that I don't think I can even repeat here, it's too awful, related to genitalia... but I just said it aloud without thinking about how awful it was.

And everyone was shocked and disturbed...one guy later said that this was completely perverted. And you have to know me, that I used to be the most naive person you could meet, sweet and never even could have come up with something like that. I hated being that naive at the time (and even started watching Sex and the City and things like that...now I wish I hadn't), but it was such a part of who I was...I even thought I wanted to be some kind of nun for several years when I was younger.

So this is awful to me...it means much more than just a slip of the tongue. But mostly, right now I am upset about what everyone thinks of me...I am fighting against falling back into my old habit of absolutely wanting to be rid of myself whenever anything comes out of my mouth the wrong way.

So my immediate instinct is to hurt myself physically in some way, or worse...though I guess it's a good sign about my progress that I can see how that is an over-reaction to the situation and won't solve anything...still, it doesn't stop me from wanting to do it!

And really, this was more than just saying the wrong thing...this was saying something so awful that it will change how my friends view me as a person...I did say afterwards that I don't normally think like that, that I didn't know where that had come from...and one friend of mine said "you're human, like everyone"...but I know what they are thinking, and it's not good. So if even my friends see me as this awful person, and if I can't even respect myself anymore, what is the use?

I was also hoping, though it's so unlikely I probably shouldn't even hope, that this is just some very weird side effect of the new antibiotic I'm taking, since it gets into your brain and can cause confusion and some other problems (but nothing specifically like this!)...but no, I know that's just an excuse...right?! In any case, I still said what I said, and that makes me not want to live with myself anymore.

Has this kind of thing ever happened to you all? How do you deal with the awful knowledge that you can't take back what you said, and just wanting to hurt yourself badly and punish yourself because of it?

Thanks for reading, as always,

Rose




Edited 3/21/2006 9:43 pm ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 9:20pm

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

I have suffered from hoof-in-mouth disease many times over the years. I am mildly autistic, so I have some trouble with social convention. It is very common for me not to know the right thing to say, and then saying something terrible.

If you have apologized, there is probably nothing left to do. I think you are probably more upset than your friends are. I went to HS with a girl that had a really filthy mouth, but she was still everyone's friend. You probably are too, and if you aren't just because of one off-color joke, then they are not worth your time.

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:02am
i feel like that ALL THE TIME.
even w/ my pdoc.& i HATE MYSELF.
i'm with beth on this....give yourself a break.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 10:22am

Rose,


I'm definitely with Beth on this one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:04am

Rose, HONEY! You have not heard sexually perverted...believe me. It was a slip up, you apologized, and you're done with it. Its okay to feel bad...its okay to feel like you want to hurt yourself, but you did, and now you have to let it go. Okay? You can't dwell on it is what I'm trying to say! (HA! Yes, coming from me!!!).

You're much too good, and much too sweet, to let that bother for too long. So, you found out that YOU ARE HUMAN TOO! YAY!!!!

You didn't hurt anyone. So what that they think a little differently of you? Its just one (or more) person's thoughts...you can't change them. You have no power over another person...so let it go. Its all you can do. Laugh at it...find a way to make it funny, and move on.

Love you!

Keli

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 12:26pm
JUST DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
even i can't shut me up.
DON'T FEEL BAD..........JUST DID IT & not only that i always do it w/ this person!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 12:37am

Thanks, you all...sorry you just did it too, Suzi! Thanks for telling me, though, so I don't feel like the only one. I just can't seem to say or do anything right these days...and feeling that way just gets me into a bad cycle where I am constantly saying things, regretting them, and then turning around and saying something else! I'm going to work on keeping my mouth shut a little from now on...

I think I also have some obsessive tendencies (which my therapist has pointed out for several other parts of my life)...so once my mind grabs hold of one of these things, it's stuck on it.

Right now I'm just in a last sprint to the finish for exams...but I'm worried about how I'll deal with my mood afterwards...plus my physical health, which is not so good, and probably made worse by the fact that I feel like I can't eat at all. I left my cell phone at my place today to charge and was out all day studying, and apparently my parents couldn't reach me...and they went into complete panic-mode, left literally 10 messages for me, and actually sent out someone to look for me because they thought something was wrong. I don't know if they are just that horrifically dysfunctional, or if I really did sound that sick when I talked to them...

Thanks again for all the help...it does ease my mind. I still have those "bad thoughts" of what I might do to myself once exams are over...but I'll try to cut myself some slack, though I don't know if that phrase is a part of my vocabulary!

Rose