Marriage issues - Trig!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Marriage issues - Trig!
5
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 10:20am

I kinda need to vent, kinda need input. My dh (Alex) and I have been together almost 5 1/2 years. We've been in counseling that entire time so we could learn to better communicate, etc, and work out our issues. We communicate better, true. But Alex is still a liar. This morning I asked him why he set his alarm for 5 when he didn't get up until 5:20. He came back, "No, I got up at 5!" Uh, no. I was standing there watching him and he was laying in bed, lights out, snoring until 5:20. I didn't actually see him out of bed and getting ready for work until 5:30. He can't even be truthful about small things like that.


The real issue is that he is not a partner to me. I'm basically his mother. He's rude and angry at our young children all the time, as well as to me. He doesn't help around the house at all, but he likes to make a mess of it once I clean it. He won't eat my cooking. (I'm a very good cook!)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 10:43am

Hey honey...triggers maybe...

You just gave yourself your own answer...I wish I could tell you differently. I wish I could tell you it will get better...ya know, the whole, rainbows and happy faces kinda bullsh*t stuff that some people will tell you...but I don't think you want or NEED to hear that.

Its not going to get any better...or any different. Changes are NOT gonna happen. Not with Alex. He's a grown man, and this is IT, all you're getting, period.

I can tell you that, because my dh, Eric...is the same way. He is 34 years old, and though he takes awesome care of me he is very much a child still, and I take care of us financially. That is my choice at this point in our marriage. I can no longer say that its his "fault". I have chosen my life.

We have separated, three times. I've been happy two out of those three times, but something always caused us to come back togehter....usually, my inability to make a decision (long story, but chalk it up to my borderline personality disorder stuff not being addressed...). I have regretted MANY times not being strong enough to stay SINGLE. I was young, and manic, and I just didn't know any better. Now, I live with my choices. I love my dh...but even I have my moments. Now that I'm not so crazed in my mania...I can see more clearly...what I gave up. Don't make that same mistake.

You still have very young children. My ds is now 15 and hates his dad. Has no respect for his dad. They fight all the time, and I'm in the middle. I hate it. I can't wait for my ds to grow up and leave home, not for my sake, but for his own. They got into a fight last night that terrified me, because I was scared it was going to turn very ugly. My ds was very disrespectful, and my dh popped him in the face...he deserved it. But my ds has the BP rage issues and I was soooo scared it was going to get bad. Somehow, and I have no idea how, he was able to control it. Sometimes I get in the middle of it. Dh gets mad at me for it...but I can't take it.

You are miserable. So change it. He won't change. So YOU change. I can't tell you HOW. I wish I could. All I know is that you have to take control back and get your life back before its too late. You can't keep ODing...you wouldn't want to leave your kids there.

Just know you aren't alone...I know I said a lot here, and probably didn't make a whole lot of sense! But I do know VERY well what you are going through.

Keep talking.

Love you.

Keli

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 1:28am

I would like to try to pop in from the other side & hope I do not offend as that is not my intention. From your description it sounds to me there is a possibility your H is depressed. Biological or circumstantial is the question at hand. There is a series of books by an author who grew up with a depressed mother and later become a depressed mother herself. She calls the circumstantial type 'Depression Fallout.' It sounds like you've reach stage 5 in depression fallout & perhaps he had reached that stage some time ago if his depression is b/c his love for you he goes into your depressions with you and/or confused by your illness and has not educated himself on it.

Here are the stages:

CONFUSIION:
Why is he or she so distant and dissatisfied, so lethargic but demanding?

SELF-DOUBT:
Unaware of the real source of the problem, you seek it everywhere but in the illness itself. You think that your husband or wife is remote and critical because they're having an affair with somebody else, or that a lover has become selfish and unaffectionate because he or she no longer cares for you.

DEMORALIZATION:
Loss of self-esteem. Demoralization is a lot like depression: the feeling that everything has gone wrong and there's nothing you can do about it because you are inept and worthless. Demoralization is underlaid with feelings of resentment toward the person with the illness who, despite your best efforts to help, acts as though everything is your fault.

RESENTMENT - ANGER:
By now you have placed the blame squarely on the depressive, not on his or her illness.

ESCAPE:
Your desire to escape the source of your unhappiness - by distancing yourself either psychologically or physically from your depressive or manic depressive - will become a negative constant.

------

Some people are willing to change when faced with a loss. Both my H and I are currently facing that now. It's a challenge and we're only in the beginning stages, but I believe we're both dedicated.

First I am educating myself on bipolar. I began by reading the books, 'How You Can Survive When They're Depressed' (a depression fallout book) and 'An Unquiet Mind.' I then started to attend a support group for family/friends of depressive illness. Finally I'm taking a 12w course on depressive illnesses. I will be keeping myself involved with NAMI by volunteering my time to be their Web Content Manager.

Something very important, I'm learning communication style is different when depressive illnesses are involved. I'm glad I've learned this as we are going to start MC once my H's meds have kicked in. This will change the way I look for a therapist as traditional MC communication is going to be a bit different & perhaps damaging. Maybe you can get your IC to recommend somebody who is more aware of bipolar than a traditional MC.

Second I'm learning how to advocate for my H. Become involved with his treatment without stepping on his toes. As I've learned in this acute mania this past fall he needs his independence in treatment. In the past I've always been the one who set up his appoinments and such. This past summer, before the delusions/psychosis set in, I told H I was done doing this for him. If he really wanted treatment he needed to seek it for himself. He did & it was the first time he took it seriously. So during the manic episode I would ask questions, due a little footwork, did somethings behind the scenes, but tried to make this as much as my H's responsibility as possible. As a result he has been fighting hard to get on meds & I think this will promote him to stick with his meds & make sure he's always a pdoc patient, i.e. never completely w/o.

Is your H involved with your illness at all? Is he educated? Is it possible he himself suffers a depressive illness? Where is he in accepting your illness?

If you believe you've given him every chance possible to change then get the he11 out! This is what I'm telling my sister who's H is a depressive w/sex addiction. She's tried for over 2 yrs to allow him room to change and he simply will not admit his illness is for him to take care of. He is insistent it's his father's fault and/or the illness has the control and he is a victim of it. Even with D in the throws he is not changing. So I say good riddance.

Remember, your children's mental and physical safety should take precedence. If you are the better parent try as hard as possible to be there for them. My H did not hospitalize himself with this mania episode, really should have been, but how he got through it was with this thought,

'One day my son may be right where I am today. I want to be here to help him through it.'

I leave you with one more thought. When traveling by plane the flight attendants instruct you in case of an emergency if the oxygen masks drop, place your mask on first before helping your children or the elderly.

Taking care of you is taking care of your children.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 7:05am

I have to totally agree with Keli. You have been with this man for over 5 years and have been in counseling with him the whole time. He will NOT change, like Keli said. If he was going to he would have already with all the counseling. I know you say he did change some but it doesn't seem good enough. Now you have to decide to live like you are and accept him with his faults or leave him. Only you can make that choice. We do what we have to do so take your time and make a plan of action on whatever you decide and go from there. Maybe you should get counseling all on your own, just for YOU.


Tina

 
Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 8:10am
from one stuck woman to another((((((((((((big cyber HUG))))))))))))))))))))))
btw...the day my husband tasted a meal i had slaved over & was his favorite,& he said...."it's oooookaaay i've tasted better"...on TOP of all the meals he never ate & the jokes about my cooking...well that day was the LAST meal i EVER cooked for him.i haven't fed him since.he's a big boy.
don't knock yourself out.it's NOT about YOU.it's HIM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 6:07am

We've had several more looooong talks since I posted this originally. A lot of this is miscommunication, as most things are. I really don't want to be naive, so I'm not saying it's all fixed, but he is putting a lot of effort into working on his side of it. This last conversation he started to understand what I REALLY meant when I would tell him things. (Before he would jump to the "Well, I'm not good enough, so why try??") But now he's saying, "You're saying I'm doing 9 1/2 out of 10 right, so I'll work on the last 1/2." Now he's really understanding me. And I've done lots of thinking and praying about it and I've come to a place where I can forgive him and let go of his past shortcomings - and let him work from here on out. I think this is a step in the right direction. Like I said, I'm trying hard not to be naive about this. I feel positive about it. Just taking it one day at a time.


Dh had an individual counseling appt recently and the counselor said she thought he was depressive with anxiety, or something like that. Can't remember exactly what she called it. Tomorrow he goes in for A/Ds. If they make him manic, like we think they will (and have in the past) then the counselor is willing to call it what it is and diagnose him as BP, which we're pretty sure he is. It will be a relief to finally have someone take him seriously and give us a clear answer one way or another.

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