keli.trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
keli.trigs
8
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 9:55pm

hi babes...

miss you so much. seems like forever since we've talked. how have you been? where have you been? have you forgotten about me yet, lol?

yup we got triggers>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i had a great session with pdoc fri. and now i miss him so bad i want to call and beg for another appt. i even threw a temper tantrum at it. he was just sitting there grinning. drove me nuts, but it was funny. attributed a lot to the meds, but said im def. starting to get angry and that it's a good thing. adj wellbutrin, said no lith, we can control it w/ a/d and therapy.

asked me how i feel about msyelf (he knew where he was going w/ this). told him im too fat. asked how much weight i lost. said that's a lot, real calm,but i saw the look on his face. and wrote it in my chart. i felt better that he was listening to me agian. so glad things are back to normal.

last night went out w/my friend. talking about how ghetto my city's turning. fri. when left work, the cops were in the alley next to me, like 30 ft from where i was standing. didnt think anything of it. next day i find out they were removing a dead bum's body from the alley. 30 ft from where i was standing. thats disgusting.
also... there's a huge controversy about the sex offendrs in the city. so she starts talking about all this. and going on. and on. and on. and her sil who was sa'd by a neighbor. and her kids, and trusting people. stuff in the news about sa. about perv cops. these two ******* cops in our city who just DEFENDED the level 3's in the city saying they arent repeaters, they never bother anybody. they arent' worried about their kids!!!! OMFG!!! SICK MF'S!!!!

yeah, ok. so think i'm trigger'd. i'm just concentrating on staying f'g present. scratching myself under the table. so i dont disociate or freak out or stab myself or soemthing. shut up shut up shut up!!!!!

go to my parents today need laundry and am BROKE. want to give myself a lobotomy. stick a fork into a light socket. get home, grab my last razor, dull as hell. go to town. did some damage, scary, really upset. feeling alittle betterthough.

not wanting to work tomorrow. had to work sat. and work from my parents today so it wasnt even like i got a break. hate my job so much. hte my boss. co workers hate me. i wish i had an excuse to take another month off. maybe i/p wasnt so bad after all. f that. that place snt safe at all. i cant sleep there. not safe. the 2nd time i was in, this woman snuck into mikes room in the middle of the night and his roomate saw her standing over his bed staring at him. this veteran was across the hall from me in the middle of the night had a flashback and started flipping out like crzy. someone could hace come into my room, and the nurses never would have known it. hella nurse or ms could do the same thing. im gonna get myself all worked up again. im so triggered. i cant live like this. my mind is going a million miles a minute.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 7:41am

hey baby...no, of COURSE i haven't forgotten about you! i'm just so broke too, no minutes on my cell...not even enuf to text...ugh. i hate my life...as for me...i am still a big mess...in a lot of ways...but getting better in some...meds ways, i guess...i don't even know, so i pretty much just don't say...i had to add 300 mgs lith back in at night to control my anger/agitation issues and it is working...didn't ask pdoc, haven't told her yet either...it somehow pushed me up out of the su depression i was getting back into last week...so if it works, i will SO do it...i go up to 600 mgs of trileptal this week, in a couple days...i also need to increase the wellbutrin, but dunno if pdoc is gonna go for it...i'm NOT manic...omg, so not even close...and i'm on 150...but i AM really angry, really agitated, and hate everything...including myself...but when I added the 300 Li back to the mix, it seemed to help me think much more clearly, and i could "talk myself out of it". Does that make sense?

i am journaling again...i did it all weekend from my mom's...said all the negative stuff, then made myself negate it...wasn't easy but i did it...and of course, i didn't even get into the hard stuff...not yet...i'm too depressed, it would cause bad stuff to happen...can't do it yet...

omg, i'm gaining weight...i can't stop eating...its vicious right now...but it ALWAYS happens during these horrible depressions. i will get some control again soon. i have to. i am going to start working out this week, two times hopefully...that's a start.

AND I GET PAID FRIDAY! I don't care what bill doesn't get paid...i am getting some healthy food at the store, that i can bring with me to work...i can't starve anymore...its made my metabo almost worthless now. that's why i gain so easily now.

and YOU are making progress, whether it seems like it or not...you really are...the si and all that aside...the abuse stuff you see on the street, the tv, that's not ever going away...but as you get stronger, you WILL be able to handle it better and more safe each time...that day WILL get here.

i have SO much freaking work to do...i hate it too...i haven't been motivated, or had any energy at all, since my last i/p...sucks. i've been in this depressive crap for months now...and its got to finally end...i can see an end in sight, I THINK, and i'm working really hard to get there...if i have to take a million meds, i will. i just can't take it anymore...

i'll check back in at lunch...i miss you too SO much! i thought about you tons this weekend...sorry i didn't write friday, it was a BAD BAD BAD day.

Love you!

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 9:00pm
deleted


Edited 3/28/2006 6:42 pm ET by canyouhearmenow
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:26pm
deleted


Edited 3/28/2006 6:43 pm ET by canyouhearmenow
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 7:02am

first of all...u should have called my cell to talk this through if you needed to...from now on, call me, i have free nights...i hope like hell u were safe enough...check in with me today, okay?

Now...on to this issue...O M G...i have SO been right here...u r NOT a loser...or then so am I...take your pick...but, this is simply depression and BP kicking your butt right now...I say simply, but you know what I mean. Yeah, so what...so you were manic and did a crazy manic thing and lied about it to your doctor...you ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS EVER DONE THAT. He knows that BPs get manic...he knows that. He knows we have poor judgement.

No, I don't think you should tell him. Listen to your post. You aren't going to do that again...the things I did while I was manic were off the chain crazy...I don't know how i am still living...but I know NOW that they were off the chain crazy. I didn't know then. I know NOW that I wouldn't do them again...manic or not.

We educate ourselves. Education is so much an integral part of our treatment. Maybe more than meds. We still get manic on meds...but through education, we know what mania does to us...but in knowing that, we don't do those things again.

Let it go, baby...okay? Stop torturing yourself...stop punishing yourself for a day and tell the BP freaking demons to shut the hell up and go the F away...when they do, let it go. Don't open this can of worms...pdoc doesn't need to know this amount of detail.

You've come too far now...this would be a backwards step. You really ARE making progress...believe me when I tell you that, please! I see it every day.

Take the wellbutrin juice, and you'll start to feel better and stronger again.

AND check in with me at lunch if you can.

I love you.

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 2:18pm

You are not a loser, I know it probably wont mean much...but I have the EXACT same problem and when I am manic its tons worse, so you arent any different than me or Keli, and you are doing better, dont let this get you...you get it first. You dont have to tell tdoc everything....its past, you cant change it and you know why you did it and if you want to deal with that with tdoc then do it, but you dont have to tell him all of that...or you can just leave it alone for a while too. You can choose what to do. You are capable and in control of yourself and you CAN make good decisions, whether you think so or not. Please be careful and dont do anything like su okay?

Love you
Rebekah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 2:42pm

hey rebekah...exactly what u said!!!

bethie...call me after 9 tonight if u wanna talk, k? i'll be up...

we'll all get thru this bp crap...this borderline crap too...its all working together in our brains against us, but we're stronger...we're all getting stronger and MORE EDUCATED about it day by day...

love u

k.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:36pm

hi rebekah...

thanks for letting me know im not alone.

i'm really not in control of myself, and cant make good decisions. its this that's made my pathetic life the living hell taht it is. i prove that time and time again. dont know if its teh bpd or the bp. but it seems pretty hopeless to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:58pm

hi babe...

just need rest. dont worry, not od. just need rest.
this is too hard.

i love you