Life is not going well *trigs*

Avatar for firstglimpse
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Life is not going well *trigs*
7
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:39am

The homefront & beyond is not going well at all.

I called H pdoc last week. I was actually surprised as I expected to wait hrs if not a day to hear back after I left a msg, but it was w/in 15 minutes. I told pdoc H was out of town until Tue. So Mon the front desk called & told me of a cxl'd appt on Tue afternoon & asked if H wanted to fill it. I told H about it, but unfortunately it was at the same time his plane landed. H told me he actually wanted to take the apt but couldn't see how it was possible. H had yesterday off since he had just worked 10 days in a row & most of it out of town. They called again yesterday to see if he could take an apt today, but H said no due to work. He's next appointment is Tuesday, I hope we make it.

H came home on Tue & I can see he's lost weight in his shoulders & legs. He did not sleep at all on Tuesday night. Told me he did take Seroquel, but when I realized the bathroom door was still locked in the morning I knew he didn't so he fessed up. He slept all day and didn't sleep again last night. Again, he didn't take the med. He has not increased his stabilizer. Said he didn't think it was a good idea while on the road ... but he is suffering NO side-effects. He has taken this religiously, just not increasing dosage.

Yesterday, had panic feeling I needed to get ahold of my younger sister. No answer all day long. Just as I was about to call in my older sister who lives 20 min away to go check on her my younger sister finally answered the phone (BTW: I live 2 states away, cannot check on her physically.) She tells me she had taken a full bottle of sleeping pills the night before. Figured our older sister could take her 4 kids. She is in the middle of a nasty divorce, where her abusive H still lives in the house with her & an emotional affair with some guy at the gym. Her H forced her to throw up, wouldn't call 911 or take her to the ER.

I call my older sister to ask her to check up on my younger as much as possible. She is angry at my sister for not thinking of her children. Says she did this for attention only. I tell her it's a call for help, she suffers depression & all she can think about right now is her pain right now. My older sister says, 'yes, she's depressed, but it's not like she suffers a mental illness like bipolar.' I tried to explain to her that acute depression is a mental illness. She doesn't believe me (as she suffers depression herself), still angry with my younger sister and does not sound like she'll be a support for her.

This morning H is sad & on the brink of tears. Says he is tired. Last night he told me he felt like he was only struggling to live right now simply to die. He does not fear death. Before he left for work I held him, reminded him this is part of the illness and it will pass. It's hard to live through right now, but it always passes and it will again as it's that nature of the illness.

I don't know if I've mentioned this on this board, but it appears I'm allergic to Zoloft. I had been taking it for 3.5 mos before I figured out that is what is going wrong with my body. I swelled up so bad I was wheezing. Zoloft takes a week to leave your system & then it takes your body a couple of weeks to fight off the allergy. Plus I've had a bad yeast infection, turns out Zoloft can give severe ones, but then I was also on antibiotic after antibiotic due to infections (probably due to passages closing off due to swelling). So physically I'm beat & I do not know how to deal with all the emotional parts of life going on right now. I do not know where I'm going to draw the engergy. I know I must, but physically I'm tired. Thank goodness Cymbalta seems to be working well & I am mentally alert.

Finally, I'm discouraged. I fear I will never see my H again. This illness has been slowly eating him for the past 4-5 yrs, started to ravish him last June & then consumed him last Sep. I miss my H. I need him in my life again. Our children need him back. I know anti-depressant triggered events can last a whole year. I hope that means from the start of the changes & not when it took full force, b/c that is only a couple of months away.

*I read an article about scientists finding a p11 cell in the brain. It has been unknown why it is antidepressants take so long to take effect. But what they've discovered is when the seratonin is increased it slowly increases the p11, which takes about 4-6 weeks. By finding this p11 they beleive they can find instant relief, as quick as asperin. There was a quote in the article by a sports play that basically said, 'When I'm injured and in pain I want medication to relieve the pain immediately, not wait 4-6 weeks.'

IS THAT NOT THE TRUTH!

Thanks for bearing with me in this lost post. Thanks for all the support I receive here even though I'm not a sufferer myself - though I do have my own mental illess (PMDD). At least I believe John Hopkins declared it a MI last Jan.

Take care all,
Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:48am
it seems to me that what your h HAS to do is take his meds...if he isn't than there isn't any more you can do,is there?
my pdoc only gets upset with me when he thinks i am not consistent with my meds..b/c that is MY responsibility
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:57am

Bonnie, when I first started taking Seroquel, I felt so groggy the next morning I just couldn't function. If I knew I needed to productive the next morning, I just wouldn't take it. I talked to my pdoc and we kept decreasing the dosage until I felt comfortable -- helps me sleep but I can wake up OK. You might suggest to your husband that the next time he feels like skipping the Seroquel that he halve his dosage and at least take some. Some is better than nothing. Then he needs to talk to his pdoc about his issues with Seroquel. Honestly, I knew I couldn't continue on with the Seroquel if I was going to have so much trouble waking up. I went from 100 mg to 12.5 mg. Now I'm taking 25 mg and that feels about right.

GL. Lots to deal with. You sound like a resilient and strong person, so good for you. I hope your husband improves very soon.

Bev

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Avatar for suziq_3
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:09am
from what bonnie has told us about her husband's experience..i have to disagree.i do not think he should be changing his doses...maybe he can take them earlier?the doctor has made himself available so obviously he thinks your husband's care is priority.there are alternatives to seroquel....as anyone here who's done the drug shuffle dance can tell you.it takes a while to find the right med.
bottom line is..he HAS to take the meds.or nothing will change.
this is controversial so i do apologise but i have to suggest that some people enjoy the depression or the illness.not in the way that it sounds,but it can be familiar & it can be comfortable.i have often wondered if that's my problem.i do know my h is most comfortable when i'm in emotional trouble.
just a thought.
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:35am

I agree w/you 100% Suzie. I had a hard childhood and it was scary to work myself out of the depressed state I was. I did so a little at a time & now I never want to go back. I did have a problem after my miscarriage & my 1st trimester in my 1st pg - think it was due to PMDD and it's scary to even think back to it.

But H has only ever known depression & I've had this very discussion with him often. As soon as things seem to get better it's like he jumps into the hole as quickly as possible. Same with family. He had none while growing up, when we married he ran from my family, while at the same time wanting to be intimate with them & has a strong desire to be accepted by then. I wonder if that was part of the drive in this manic episode, he is trying to run from the very thing he's always wanted most b/c it scares him to actually be happy.

NOTE ON SEROQUEL ... As instructed by pdoc H is supposed to be weaning himself off of it & he gave us samples of another, less sedating, antipsychotic. But I cannot seem to get H to reduce the dosage, it's all or none.

I am very excited about pdoc's response. H does want me to attend the next meeting as well. This is good. I let H know before returning I wanted to be involved with the pdoc (not IC) sessions. So I had planned on giving pdoc my journal and answer questions & then leave to let them be alone for part of the time. H said no, he wants me there for the entire session. This is great, even though we're having problems, he does want to keep me involved with recovery.

Suzie, there are people who thrive on stress & even more, need to be needed. Since I'm always going through some sort of personal stress I wondered if that was me. But I've realized I enjoy my quiet times much more. So I think in my case, I am just empathetic, since I grew up with it, to those who suffer & want to make myself available to help ease their pain. There are not enough people who understand depressive illnesses.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:42am

i will agree that SOME people like the drama of being Bipolar...but that is all I will say on that matter. I for one, am done with it.

Bonnie:

Please hang in there...you're in a whirlwind of emotional hell right now...and your life has changed a million percent. I have to be honest with you (again) only because I feel that's best...you (MAY) never get the "old" H back...but you have to adjust to that...you have to work with the H you have now...and I know you are doing everything you can do do JUST THAT! And I love you for that! I know you miss the 'old' H. I miss the OLD ME too! Don't hold on to false hope.

As for Seroquel...yes...dosages can be decreased, but in your H's case, NO! Not until he is stronger and more stable. I do feel, however, that Seroquel is not the medication for him, as far as side effects go...its way too sedating. It was that way for me too...It worked, but I could NOT function the next day, at 100 mgs. Anything less, and it didn't work. Abilify...Geodon...Risperdal...those are good alternatives.

I also REALLY wonder about the Lamictal. I know you like it...but is H any better??? Maybe he just needs to go up in dosage. But maybe Lithium....? Have you thought about that? Lamictal is a great medication...but your H was very sick...and I'm just really worried about relapsing on only Lamictal alone.

I'm really sorry about your sister. And please...you fit here.

Hugs,

Keli

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 11:36am
Sorry to hear about your troubles on the home front. I have no words of wisdom except make sure you take care of yourself. You may not be able to change someone else's behaviour, but you can control your own. So take care.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 3:14pm

Hi Bonnie, I haven't been to this board in awhile, but I am sorry to hear about your H henot doing well, and also about your sister. It sounds like the sooner your H can get on an AD the better. My DH was so much better after he started on the AD, and he wasn't great just on the mood stabilzer alone. Does your H take any vitamins, or would he. My DH takes a mutli vitamin plus a B complex. The B vitamins really help with depression.

Anyway, please take care of yourself and your kids. I hope your H feels better soon!

Lori