Me (selfish, I know)
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| Fri, 03-31-2006 - 11:40pm |
Here's where I'm at right now.
I handed in my work that I did alone on what was supposed to be a group project and presentation. And I didn't have to present. But then I worried that my power point presentation sucks because it has no words, just pictures (the assignment was building an island), meant to be explained verbally in my presentation. (I was trying to get my disability counsellor, associate dean and prof to let me present to my TA alone).
But, I kind of just shrugged it off.
That is of course until I went to the lab to watch the other presentations. Their boards and power point presentations were much better and they all built models of their islands (which I wanted to do but didn't have the time).
Still, I shrugged it off for the most part. There's nothing I can do about it now, I told myself.
Then I went to my ED group and took a city bus instead of the coach (it's out of town but one of their busses comes into our downtown). That was anxious to say the least (and I didn't have my ativan because it was in my backpack, which I didn't have). Even though I was stressed on the bus it didn't really catch up with me until group and then I nearly had a panic attack but managed to control it by breathing and distracting myself.
The thing that came up for me in group is. I don't think I have an official diagnosis of an eating disorder, despite having battled restrictive eating and bingeing for 13 years. So I felt like I didn't belong. The group leader said as long as you feel there is a problem you belong here. Still that is something I ruminated on all night.
Then coming home I took the city bus again, which arrives downtown at 9:50, the same time my bus leaves downtown. So I didn't make the connection and had to wait a half hour for the next one.
I guess that was just the icing on the cake, although it didn't hit me until I got home, then I nearly burst into tears (or did I, I don't remember).
I was once again at the point of wanting to drop out of school. I said, if I don't pass this course then I won't get into field camp and I might as well just quit. I just can't see myself being able to go through all that work again, and then having to wait another year for field camp. That would make my supposed 1 year degree (that's all it takes for a second degree) into 3 years!
I think there was other stuff that was bugging me, like the fact that i know I have a lot of stuff to go through at my mom and dad's and it's just overwhelming. But I think I'm forgetting other things that I was ruminating on. Once I started it was a quick downward spiral. I was so afraid that i would be feeling down today and that I'd end up in another depression. But thank God, I was okay today.
I went out for dinner with my friend and saw a movie with my dad and step mother. That was good.
Well I've gone on far too long!



First off, you are not selfish. We all come here to talk about ourselves at some point.
Secondly, I am so sorry you had a rough day. It sounds like you are doing a good job trying to fight off the depression. I am sure you did fine on your presentation. Can you explain to your instructor that it was basically your project and not a group project that it was designed to be? Why give other people credit for your work?
As for as your ED group session, if it helps, keep going. It is really as simple as that. Do you feel like it helps most of the time?
What is your degree going to in again? Hang in there. It will happen. Remember that you may have a rougher time than others because of the BP, but you are doing great and that no matter how long it takes, you will end up with the same degree.
Hugs.
Missy
Hang in there! I know it is hard to get through school when you have BP, and it took me seven years, but I did it. I then went on to get a master's in the usual two. You can, too, I know it! And, keep getting all of your therapies. I know, you probably can't do school without them.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
Thanks for the reply. Firstly, my prof accepted my project as a solo project and didn't make me present. Still I feel that everyone else did much better than I. But I'm trying not to dwell on it. I keep telling myself there is nothing I can do about it now.
The ED group is great. I feel so supported there, so I will keep going.
Well I'm running late but I'll post some more later.
Beth, you're right. I can't do school if I don't take care of myself by going to group and therapy.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Oh I am soooo tired. And I know that sleep is one of the most important things I can do with regards to my bp. But I had a term paper due and was up till 3 doing that and then I couldn't get to sleep. I was at my moms and didn't have my meds with me so that may have contributed. And I know, skipping meds is not a good thing.
I had one heck of a time trying to print out my paper this morning. 4 computers and 3 printers later it was finally done. Then I realized that I hadn't gone to the library to look up the page numbers that got cut off on my photocopies so I could fill in the references. Now I am too exhausted by this morning's events to go and do it and to pay for all those copies again and possibly have the computer and printer troubles that I did before. Ahhh.
I ate so much yesterday and the ED monster is making me feel guilty. Plus I had chocolate today (they had my favourite chocolate bar 2 for a buck), more guilt.
Tonight is the expressive arts group at the eating disorder centre. It should be fun, but I'm nervous. Thank God I have my ativan.
I really don't want to go to the rest of my classes. I want to go home and take a nap!
We all have days like that. I don't even work, and am sometimes so tired I can't function. I missed church choir this week because of that:(! But, things get better. Hang in there!
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
Well, of course the groups did better - individually, they had more time to work on parts of the project, and I bet each person had their own specialty.
Whereas you had to do it all in the time period alloted for more than one person to do the work.
So you did more work than anyone else, and still put together a good project. Maybe not as shiny and spiffy, but I'm sure it will hold up.
thanks ladybugandbutterfly
I definately needed some encouragement regarding that project. Now all I can do is concentrate on the things that ARE under my control and work on studying for the final exam.