keli baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
keli baby
1
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 11:22pm

hi baby girl...

how r u today? feel better than last nite? just remember what we talked about? dont make yourself sick over thoughts, ok? and call me if you need me.

still cycling, still not feeling well at all. pdoc called my brother fri. and arranged for me to spend the weekend w/ him. he thinks i need to be 'watched'. so i got some rest, and it kept me safe. i wont change meds, wont take less a/d, wont take ativian or valium during work. so im kinda being difficult.

last wk i went crazy over that whole mike thing. ended up si'ing bad, like i told you. i'd give anything to take that night back, probably the worst ive ever done. how will i explain to my neice why auntie's arm is like it is?

so i ended up writing a letter to pdoc about mike. i was freaking out. i couldnt believe it... he was fine. he told me i was sick then, and wasnt responsible for what i had done. he didnt judge me at all, forgave me, was absolutely incredible about it all. and felt very badly that i had to carry that guilt for so long. i was shocked that anyone could be so kind to me.

fri. night i went out to dinner with some friends. tdoc was there! we ended up at a table directly across the room from her. i got drunk and loud. and thought i'd play w/ her a little bit. i'd walkt o the bathroom, and walk back right by her table (going out of the way to do it, lol) and sit down w/ my beer sloshing in my hand. do the same thing again, watching it get to her. she got to see me 50 lbs lighter, haha. doing MUCH better w/o her. one time when i was coming back, she had gotten up to leave, i almost ran smack into her, and went on w/o saying anything. could tell she was disturbed, even hurt. hmm... boo... hoo.

had to do an intake interview today. im so triggered. this jerk asked me question after question for a whole hour. stuff that's none of his business! and thenhe has the NERVE to say: well your meds are interesting, that you are bipolar, and your dr has you on 2 mood stabilizers. WHAT is interesting about htat? YOU are not even a therapist. you are a friggin counselor. FIRST OFF, NOBODY questions my pdoc. SECOND, WHAT is so strange about being on 2 m/s???!?!?!?! just like my old tdoc. why wont these people leave me alone?!

and the WORST THING that happened today. i was waiting in my car for that stupid appt., and pdoc pulls in next to me, so i say hi. and he looked at me like he didnt even recognize me. or i freaked him out by being there. i feel incredibly bad, and cant stop thinking about what i could have done wrong, and why he's mad at me.

and seriously, i want to know... what is so strange about being on 2 mood stabilizers??? lamictal and topamax? sooo many people are on 2, right?! this guy's just a friggin crackpot, and now im freaking out over it. this whole day, pdoc and this jerk, must be karma getting back at me for friday night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
In reply to: canyouhearmenow
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:09pm

hi love...

let me know how you are... im pretty worried about you. how did things go last nite? dont know if i missed you on y, i was doing my friggin laundry at my parents house. grr... please check in!

hey, wanna laugh? now they're calling me 'the mass murderer' at work. ha! things could always be worse, you could have a co-worker like me on top of everything else!