Walking disaster...
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| Tue, 04-04-2006 - 1:50pm |
Edit: Major trigger later on in this post, sorry I forgot to mention...yet one more thing I did wrong!
You know that feeling, when everything you do can't help but go wrong? It's all relatively minor, and I know things could be a thousand times worse...but I think I'm already falling down that slippery slope back to depression, and so everything seems like one disaster on top of another.
Today reached a peak already this morning when I started crying in front of the class after I failed miserably at my attempt to draw a fellow student's blood. Then he let me try again, I failed again (worse this time, so I hurt him a lot), and I started crying *again*...so badly that I had to keep leaving to go to the bathroom. And this was in front of everyone...I'm sure this gives them a great impression of me.
And my car window broke, and my tooth filling fell out...all minor, yet expensive-to-fix, things...and more unexpected expenses just keep coming up every day. And I haven't taken a shower in a few days, and my body just aches all over from this muscle pain problem...so I just feel disgusting and awful.
And I keep thinking about how I'm going to have to start working in the hospital full time in a few months, and I have no idea how that's going to be possible. There's no way I'll be able to stand on my feet all day the way my muscles feel now (and I haven't been able to find a medication to help it that doesn't make me too sleepy to function), and psychologically, there's a whole 'nother can of worms...I can't even try to draw blood on someone without bursting into tears!
So I have trouble keeping myself from the old thought of "why not just kill myself now...it's bound to happen sooner or later." Just because I can't do this...oh, and I'm physically very uncoordinated...I think I will have many, many failures next year at work and beyond. And I'm already physically in pain...how am I going to want to go on when I'm exhausted, in ten times as much pain, and completely down on myself?
Sorry for this whine that spun out of control...is this the anxiety my therapist was talking about, do you think, or is this just regular reaction to life's junk?
Thanks for listening,
Rose
Edited 4/4/2006 1:52 pm ET by rosa444

life can throw so many things at once and just when we think we can't handle anymore...more happens.
God could not be everywhere, so
now and again i like to go to this website and get motivational things....this is todays:
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
Let go
Let go of that nagging feeling that something could go wrong. For whatever may happen, you can always choose a way to move forward.
Let go of your resentment and anger over things that are beyond your control. Do the very best with where you are, with what you have, and that will be more than enough.
Let go of the pain you carry from things that happened long ago. Allow yourself to experience the glorious freedom of forgiveness.
Let go of the needs that you don't really need, that keep your life so anxious and complicated. Find real fulfillment not in getting, but in being.
Let go of the regrets, the disappointments and distress. Choose to follow the very best of the possibilities that beckon you forward.
Let go of all the excuses you have for not living fully. Give beauty and meaning to the life and the world that you're in right now.
-- Ralph Marston
also....look at this:
God could not be everywhere, so
Repeat after me "This is only temporary. This is only temporary."
And it is. It's like the ONLY good thing about mood swings - your mood is guaranteed to change at some point, lol!
Okay, first things first - the crying in class. Not the end of the world. Horribly embarrassing, but not likely to cause permanent damage, right? So, let's not worry about the crying anymore. It's done, it's over with and you can't go back and NOT cry, so why waste your valuable energy on that? When you catch yourself worrying about it, visualize putting that worry into a box and packing it up and putting it on a high shelf.
Car window - not a disaster. If worse comes to worst, you can always go with the ghetto fabulous plastic and duct tape look. But first, see if your car insurance will cover it (depending on your deductible, it might be cheaper. If your deductible is high, or you don't have insurance, go for the plastic for now).
Tooth filling falling out - ouch. Big ouch. This one you totally get a free pass on crying and being mad. ANYONE be upset if their tooth filling fell out. It hurts and it could be expensive.
Okay, onto the nitty gritty.
GO TAKE A SHOWER. Right now. I KNOW you know how important being clean is to feel good. The hot water might help your aches, too.
Also, has anyone ever told you that your muscle pain could be directly related to your mood? One way I know that I'm going to have a mood swing is that I start aching all over and don't want ANYONE to touch me. I feel like my skin is electrified, and all my muscles hurt like I've run a marathon. And, like you, no medication helps. I do some yoga-type stretches and relaxation stuff, and that helps more than anything, but it doesn't really go away until my mood stabilzes again.
Now, about worrying about failing year after year. You will fail. Everyone fails. We put so much pressure on ourselves, as people with bipolar, to do everything "right" so that no one can "tell". But typical people screw up and they screw up royally and no one ever hates them for it (well, okay, people might rant and complain, but usually they get over it). So don't make yourself sick with worry about messing up, even messing up big time.
And yes, I'd say this is anxiety. I have HUGE anxiety issues myself, so I really understand where you are coming from. One thing I do is imagine the worst case scenario and then ask myself what the worst that could happen to me is. And it's never "the entire world will come after you with pitchforks and demand your head on a platter and your own mother will denounce you and your child will never hug you again". It's usually "I might lose my job", and honestly, I've only ever been fired for not showing up. I once got into a low-blood sugar induced screaming match with the receptionist at my job and I didn't get fired for that. I DID get fired from that job for not showing up a lot. So, I learned to show up even if I felt like I couldn't do it. Most times I muddled through just fine.
Even if you don't think you can handle something, fake it. It's amazing how far faking it can get you! People just don't notice stuff. It's awful when we're falling apart and we so desperately want someone to notice and come save us, but it works to our advantage when we're falling apart, and we don't want anyone to see.
You are going to get through this rough patch. You'll call your therapist and let her know what's going on. You'll take a shower tonight and wash your hair and shave your legs and your armpits and put on some comfy jammies and you'll just lay down on your bed and try not to think of anything.
Just lay down and think about each achy muscle relaxing and sinking into the bed and feeling all your stress melt into the mattress.
Hang in there.
Amy
Thank you both VERY much. This will be a quick post, but I want to come back later...right now, I *still* can't stop crying...pretty much sobbing...I've cried so hard I've given myself a headache...and I know it's completely out of proportion to anything going on in my life...I don't know that it's even connected to what's going on in my life.
I did get in the shower (at least there I didn't need tissues to wipe away the tears!), so thank you both for telling me to do that. I also thought of one thing...I know this was bad of me to do, but my doctor gave me Neurontin a while back to try for the muscle pain...and I keep trying it (since it helps some), realizing I can't handle the side effects, and then quitting it again. Yesterday I tried it again, but didn't take one today...I've heard maybe it has some antidepressant properties? That's all I can think of in terms of biological things...it's the middle of the month in terms of hormones.
You gave me a lot of good things to think about...I have had doctors tell me maybe the muscle pain is just a manifestation of depression, but no one has linked it to mood swings in particular. It's just hard, because I had it when I was happy, but I guess it just intensifies at times like these...I also have that muscle exhaustion you mentioned.
Thanks again...I'm going to try to stop sobbing now. I have a therapy appointment on Friday, but I've never had any luck calling beforehand to try to get an earlier one...also, at my last session her main "theme" was that my problems were mostly due to anxiety and that the mood problem had kind of been over-diagnosed in the past, which makes me feel less comfortable talking to her, because I feel like she's just looking for something to pick on to say "see? that's anxiety" to downplay my mood problems...sorry if that's bad of me to say...
Rose
Edited 4/4/2006 7:20 pm ET by rosa444
Well, my "nap" last night turned into a 12-hour-long sleep...and it would have been longer probably if I hadn't set my alarm clock! I'm just going a little crazy with this physical pain and exhaustion...my doctor said a while back that it must be some kind of neuropathic-type pain, and said going back on the antidepressant I was on earlier would be the best idea (and I was in much less pain back then)...so that's got me wondering if I should consider it...though I've sworn before that I wouldn't do it...for a variety of reasons...mostly because I was so incredibly sleepy on it that I could barely function...
But I still have no idea how I'm going to deal with this and be on my feet all next year...it is kind of a constant problem. And it seems to make me so clumsy (though I'm not sure how)...I try to pick up something small-ish, and I always end up knocking it over instead. Anyway, sorry, that's not what this board is for really...it's just got me more down...and maybe it is depression-related, who knows? I do know that when I'm depressed, I focus on it way more than usual.
I hope I can keep myself from slipping downward to depression this time...it's not possible that something so tiny as what happened yesterday could have set me off, is it??! I guess I was already headed that way...but I just really don't want it to happen...but it kind of seems like I'm already there...I feel like friends can already see that sad look in my eyes, and it's all I can do to keep from crying for no reason.
And I just really don't want to go back on those antidepressants...my therapist keeps mentioning how I seemed so over-medicated and almost drugged back then. Because I'm so sensitive to meds that they all seemed to make me so incredibly drowsy...so then on top of my two antidepressants, my doctor added Wellbutrin to try to keep me awake...and then it was just a mess. But I was in very little physical pain...so maybe it's worth it?! Ugh...
Sorry...thanks again, you all. You helped me get my head back on a little straighter, though I am still having trouble getting my heart to realize it!
Rose
Edited 4/5/2006 6:41 pm ET by rosa444
Maybe try a half dose? I know I'm very sensitive to meds, and right now I take only 25mg topomax, which shouldn't help, but it does.
When I go on a new med now, I start at the very smallest dose sold, and work up to a dose where I'm getting benefits from it, but no major side effects, instead of starting at some mega-high dose and lowering until the side effects go away.
There's got to be a happy medium between drugged up and being in abject misery and pain.
Have you talked to an MD about the pain? It just doesn't seem normal. I know things like lupus and chronic fatigue syndrome can cause pain.
Also, have you had your thyroid and calcium levels checked? Low thyroid can make depression worse, and if your calcium levels are high, your muscles will hurt. My mother just had to have her parathryoids removed, and they caught the problem b/c her calcium levels were high and she had muscle pain.
It truly doesn't sound to me like depression related pain if it's sooo debilitating; it may be something treatable and completely unrelated.
Thanks again...sorry it took me so long to reply. I've just been that kind of down where you don't even want to talk or do anything but sleep or stare blankly at the TV!
I just had a therapy appointment this morning, and she strongly suggested going back on meds...mainly just trying Prozac again. We spent most of the session discussing why I am so bothered by the idea of it...Prozac in particular, with that book "Prozac Nation" or something and the idea in the back of my mind that it's just something that so many people my age take just because they're disillusioned with life or want a band-aid fix or whatever...though I know that's not true and I would never say that to anyone else, I still can't get myself to feel differently!
I was on very low doses already...my primary care doctor was amazed at the effects they had on me. One of them has a blood test so you can see if you're in the therapeutic range...I was in the therapeutic range on 25 mg (and having side effects), and she told me that I should realize that some people take around 300 mg with little problem!
But I could start on a low dose of Prozac...my depression just seemed resistant to that low dose of one med before...but you're right, a happy medium would be good, and maybe that's it. I just can't get myself to feel good about going on Prozac at all...and I can just see myself quitting it after a little while.
I have talked to my MD about the pain, and seen several doctors in the past to try to figure it out...one said it sounded like lupus (and I even used to get a light lupus-like rash on my face occasionally), but the antibody came back negative, and all my blood tests are normal.
Thanks for the suggestions about the thyroid and calcium levels...my thyroid has always been normal, too (and I think calcium too, though I'm not positive that that has been checked)...it sounds bad, but I wish something would come back abnormal so that I could know what the problem is and maybe get a chance to fix it!
It ended up (several years ago) getting diagnosed as fibromyalgia, which to me is a catch-all diagnosis that I hate, and I don't know that it really applies to the kind of pain I have...but my doctor now says it must just be something neurologically related, and leaves it at that. I think I must also have some degree of chronic fatigue, too, but I do my best to get around it, so maybe not.
This is a little funny way of maybe finding something out too about the fatigue...but yesterday we had a lab in class where we did smears of our own blood and looked at it under the microscope to get a sense of what the different blood cells look like. And almost all of one type of my white cell looks abnormal, to me at least and one guy helping with the lab agreed...just the kind of abnormal that you'd get with mono or a few other kinds of viruses. So that was interesting...not sure if it means anything, though.
Sorry, that was kind of off on a tangent! But anyway, when I did have a lot of pain several years ago, going on Prozac did finally end up helping. So I guess the "solution" is right there, so why am I not taking it?! My therapist mentioned something about taking Prozac making me feel like my problems (and the physical pain) aren't legitimate, and I think that may be a big part of it...
I don't just want to mask the pain and mask my problems by feeling a little bit better...and cloudier, did I mention the meds made my head so cloudy? And now I feel like things are much clearer and I feel things much more deeply (especially since I got off the Topamax)...which is probably not a good thing lately, since I have been crying if someone just looks at me. But anyway.
Sorry, this post was just everywhere and nowhere all at once. Thanks again...you were a great help.
Rose
Edited 4/7/2006 3:20 pm ET by rosa444