Feel rejected

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Feel rejected
10
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:25pm

Hello everyone. I was kindly referred to this message board by one of your members. I hope some of you might be able to give me some guidance and advise with my situation. I have a friend I am romantically involved and she was recently diagnosed with the Bipolar Disorder. I've read a lot about the disorder from the cause, symptoms, and treatment however I can't seem to find any articles to explain or interpret why this person has withdrawn from me. We used to talk on the phone a lot, go to lunch, dinner, strategize about work, and we were intimate with each other. We connected intellectually and physically. Everything was great until she told me she was diagnosed with this order. Since then, the calls have been few and long in between. We used to talk to each other if not everyday but every other day. I've only seen her twice in the past two weeks and seems like she is always in a rush to get me out the door. However in those few hours we spent together, she would tell me that she wanted to be with me or when we went out to get lunch, she gave me a big hug when we were standing in line at the delli.

Could someone tell me what to do next? I'm not sure if she wants to see me anymore? I call her from time to time to check in. She calls me back. She is sometimes quick with me on the phone. I try to do things to cheer her up by sending her greeting cards and gifts. Can someone please help me understand? I love her very much but I don't understand her actions and don't know how to deal with it. One thing is for sure, I do not want to loose her as I love her very much. Please help. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
In reply to: rrover06
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:49pm

Rrover,

Welcome! i am sure other will have more to add than i do, I can only speak from my experience so here goes. I push people away all the time. I would recommend you be patient and caring. Maybe try a support group for friends and family of BP sufferers check here http://www.bipolar.com/index.htm or here http://www.nimh.nih.gov/Publicat/bipolar.cfm and it you have a Pdoc or Tdoc try talking to them about it. I would also say that if you do love this person make an effort to let them know. Maybe there is more than Just the BP they are dealing with. It is not easy to "come out" with a MHI and then have a relationship, One needs time to work on ones self. Did that make any sense?

IN my personal experience I will, have gone, continue to go weeks and months at a time with out calling or seeing anyone outside of my apt or immediate family, most of my friends just take it in stride some don't really notice others make it a point to tell me just how long it has been. There is a lot i can do about sometimes It's just about how i am feeling at the time. There is no getting me to do something i don't want to do fro the most part.

My SO is often hurt my moods, but over time he has come to accept that is part of my make-up. IF you are in it for the long haul learning bout how the illness affect a person daily outlook will benefit you tremendously. My DBF rarely if ever asks what my mood is and to be honest he gets the short end of them most of the time. He learned the hard way how to duck and cover. OH i hope that didn't scare you.

Take care of you self and be gentle with you SO.

Ooi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
In reply to: rrover06
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:24pm

Thank you so much Ooi for responding to my post. I appreciate the advise and it really puts me more at ease with my situation. Don't worry, I don't scare easily. I am in this for the long run. My love for her is very strong. The type love when I look at her straight in the eyes, nothing else seems to matters.

I just wonder if our romantic involvement was due to her BP or was it for real? Maybe you can help me answer this question. I just don't want to get hurt.

Thank you for allowing me to express my emotions on this board.
rrover06

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
In reply to: rrover06
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:49pm

rrover,

have you asked her? I would start there. Take what she says a face value. If she says she doesn't know if she is in love then don't read into it. If she says she need time the same. you don't always need the secret decoder ring that us BPs come with to figure it out..but it helps...hehe.

Anyway back to what i was saying. take it easy if it really is love it will wait for the both of you to be ready.

I am very lucky i have a DBF that i tell to leave or get out at least once a month he always tells me "it take s to to break up" and until he is ready to leave i can just keep telling him but he won't go. (I laugh about it when i am in a stable mood, but OOOH does it drive me nuts when i am in a crabby or manic mood.)

Hang in there rrover06. If it's really love she'll notice and come around. Now if your a stalker we have a holw nother set of issues.

I have to sign off now because i am feeling pretty wired and i need to meditate.

take care,
Ooi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
In reply to: rrover06
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 12:09am

My answers to your questions, for what they are worth:

1) I would venture a guess that your gf, after being dxed with a major mental illness that will affect her for the rest of her life, maybe going through some situational depression that has nothing to do with bp, but is amplified by it. Depression of all kinds makes some people tempted to isolate. Try to be patient, but be available!

2) I seriously doubt her attraction and love for you is anything other than just those things, and not some sort of pathology. I know, I genuinely love my husband at all times, manic, depressed, and on an even keel. She probably feels the same way for you, but the bp might get in the way of it (but NOT be the cause of it!). So, emit a sigh of relief!

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: rrover06
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 8:11am

First of all, educate yourself as much as you can about Bipolar Disorder. Learn what you can here about the REALITY of what its like to be Bipolar...and then yeah, ask her. I too, isolate myself from those I love...Its hard not to, when we are trying to survive.

I'm glad you are here, trying to learn, and trying to save your relationship.

Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
In reply to: rrover06
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:04am
Thank you all (Ooi, keli003, trougflute) for your advise. It means the world to me. It gives me hope and understanding with my situation. I continue to research bp and continue to keep myself busy with other things. I don't feel so rejected anymore. I will be there for her whether we stay as gf and or friends. I will stay committed to her no matter what. Thank you all so much!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
In reply to: rrover06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 4:23pm
Just want to give everyone an update. We went to the museum last week and when I saw her it just felt right. She took my breath away. I look at her and I don't even think about her illness. All I can think about is how lucky I am to spend the day with her. It's going to take time before everything goes back to the way things were with us but she is important to me and I will wait as long as it takes. She makes me happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2006
In reply to: rrover06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 4:59pm

rover, so happy to hear that you had museum date!

Have you let her know that you are getting help to learn about BP...i know that would score real big in my heart!

I push people away also(some days I just don't want to talk to anyone 'cept my kids).....they all know I have a mental illness.....my DH has been
to many a therapy session with me......does your GF go to counseling? maybe she wouldn't
mind if you join her next time (it will help her in so many ways as it will help you also)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
In reply to: rrover06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 5:00pm

rrover06 I have read your posts and all the others and I am glad that they helped. I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing by your GF and believing in her and loving her. It takes a strong person to live with and love a BP and most of all want to educated them selves about the disorder. My DH did the same thing and even went to a few tdoc appt's. It helped him out a great deal. I also want to thank you for not thinking that she is weird, crazy or postal type of person. And I know that your GF is not either. We are just like everyone else, but we just have a harder cross to carry then some others do. Good luck. We are always here to helo and listen.

Huggs,
Jo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
In reply to: rrover06
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 10:12pm
Hi lil.lou/Jo and dunkindgirl. Thank you for responding to my update. I really had a hard time at first however I continue to do my homework and continue to be patient for her. She is an amazing person. You all are amazing. Thank you for your support and guidance.