SO embarrassed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
SO embarrassed!
18
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 10:06am
I just learned thru the "grapevine" that the ENTIRE big office building (5 floors) heard me the other day screaming my lungs out in my car. Probably close to 100 people. I am so mortified I am afraid to look anyone in the eye. Why do I completely FREAK when ever someone criticizes me?? I don't get angry at them, I just start to hate myself. I even feel suicidal, like driving my car over a bridge. I almost always loose it and have to run out of the office in hysterics while everyone watches. This has GOT to stop, but I can't even begin to know how. I don't think there's any "magic" medication out there that will ease my raging emotions. Sometimes I think they need to lock me up and throw away the key.
Sorry. Feeling glum and anxious today.
Jodie

Jodie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 10:16am

Jodie...hon...remind me again what meds you're on...k?

And btw, don't worry about them hearing you...they'll forget about it soon enough...i promise they will!!!

Love you!

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 10:45am
keli is right.
there is a rumor going around the theater that i'm crazy.
big deal.if they're talking about you it means you're interesting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:10am
Well, I'm on 400 mgs of Serequel, 10 mgs of Ambien, 600 mgs of Lamictal and 2 mgs of Xanax. Xanax seems to be the only med I don't build up an instant resistance to.

Jodie

Avatar for chilaili
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:24am
I've found, sometimes, if you just act as tho nothing's happened, so will everyone else. Hold your head up high and dare them to say anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:45am

jodie,

Take a deep breath. This is just a JOB. I know that must sound really lame, but these people no matter what they think DO NOT MATTER in the big picture.

Take a deep breath and relax. i know it is hard but try. take a walk around the block.

Christine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 12:13pm

k, lemme be perfectly honest with you here...Lamictal, while being the wonder drug it is for some, isn't working for you the way it does for others...you go waaaaay manic...its not perfect for mania...your anger issues, and BLOWING THE HECK UP like that is mania...coming through that way...I had to go off Lamictal because of that very reason. It didn't do much for depression either. I had high hopes for it, cuz everyone was talking about it, but basically, it did jack. You gotta get something to get your mania under control quick...and the Seroquel, while it really should be, at that high of a dose, isn't cutting it either. My little tiny dose of 300 mgs Lithium is my life saver and I would kill anyone if they took it from me. I have NO side effects now, at first I was sleepy during the day (i take it at night too). But no weight gain, no going to the bathroom at lot, nothing...and it keeps my mania, all of it, the spending, the irritability, the raging, under control. Just that little bit. I'm really senstive to meds though. AND, that is while ON Wellbutrin. Yeah, so I might still talk fast sometimes, or a lot sometimes, but most of the time, I'm wonderful. Caffeine is probably the cause of that too.

Anyway, you should really really talk to your pdoc about your meds...you gotta get that under control...ya know?

Love you,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 12:27pm
Oh, I was on Lithium back in 92. I gained 65 pounds in two months on it. It also had no effect on me. I am beginning to think that nothing is ever going to work. Sometimes I feel like just giving up. It gets very discouraging. If I keep loosing it at work I'm going to get fired. But I have no control over my stupid hysterical crying and raging fits. This has been going on all my life. Will nothing EVER work?
Sorry, I'm feeling very negative today!

Jodie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 12:34pm

You can BE negative, but not for too long...

What about Trileptal? Have you tried that? Its the other thing I'm on...the combo of a small dose of the Li plus a small dose of the Trieptal is working...with no side effects. I gained weight too on Li when i was on BIG doses of it...but these two together, on REALLY LOW doses, you don't have the weight issues or the side effects. A lot of pdocs won't even try it, but mine did. Thankfully...its the best thing I've ever done...I won't ever be sedated and over medicated again.

You have to try different things when the regular things won't work, ya know?

And no, sorry...giving up isn't an option around here.

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 12:35pm
my dr. gives me lithobid...he claims it's weight neutral.while i'm still holding on to the 25 or so pounds i gained on lithium(generic),i haven't gained any on lithobid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 12:54pm
Trileptal. Now THERE'S an intersting story. I actually don't know if that would work or not. Last time I was on it was when I was hospitalized. My pdoc screwed up and put me on a dose from 200 mg's up to 1700 mg's overnight. I went berserk. I couldn't walk, lost my balance, cried hysterically-again. I had to crawl to the bathroom. They had to call the emergency pdoc on call that night and he came in and took me off it. Haven't tried it since. Maybe I could try again? Something to think about anyhoo.

Jodie

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