Feeling like a loser
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| Mon, 04-10-2006 - 3:10pm |
So, I'm on my way to Lowe's today to pack the Neon full of gardening stuff (it's amazing how much you can get into to a well packed Neon - 3 bags of soil, 4 bags of mulch, 2 rakes, 1 shovel, 1 bag of amdro fire ant killer and 1 bag of grass seed. Oh, and I didn't take the car seat out) when I think I see my nemesis, for lack of a better word.
Quick background - about 5 years ago (just before I got pregnant with Ellie, nearly 4), my "friends" Kat and Jean called me up (while I was in the midst of the worst depression I'd been in in years) for coffee. I was blissfully happy for the 10 minutes it took me to get to Village Inn. After I got there, they proceeded to tell me that they couldn't be my friends anymore b/c I was took difficult to be friends with, what with all my complaining and stuff. No mention of the bazillions of times I listened to Kat bitch about her husband drinking too much or Jean bitch about life in general.
So, they quit talking to me. But, they remained friends with my brother (they were actually all friends in high school; I became friends with them when we were all in our 20's - they are 2-3 years younger than me), and through him I've come to know that they think I'm a loser since I live with my mother, got knocked up without being married, and currently don't work (deliberate choice so that Ellie can keep Medicaid, which is the only way she can get her therapy covered - she goes to three different therapys twice a week each). I also never graduated college.
Anyway, I think I see Kat driving a brand new Mazda today, and here I am still in the 1997 Neon I bought in 1999 during a manic spree. It's got a huge dent in the side, is covered with outdated bumper stickers ("It's not a phase" - uh, well, yeah, I guess that goth thing WAS a phase, lol!, etc.) and has lost it's clear coat on the hood, so it's all scratched up and dirty. Not exactly a car to be proud of. And I won't be getting a new one any time soon, as I have no money for a car and I won't take one from my mom.
So, bottom line, I'm feeling like a complete loser today. I call my mom to tell her I'm feeling like crap, naively thinking she'll say something like "Oh, Amy, it doesn't matter that you didn't finish college, you've accomplished other things with your life."
Does she say that? No, of course not. She busts out with "WEll, you can't expect your life to be like other people's, Amy; you have a mental illness to contend with."
Gee, thanks for that vote of confidence, Mom.
She's ALWAYS doing and saying stuff like that - she'll actually CRY and when I ask what's wrong, she tells me she just doesn't know how I'm going to take care of Ellie when she's gone, because I'm not capable of holding down a job!
No wonder I never bother going to the college to sign up.
Seriously, when I try to talk to her about it, she tells me she thinks it'll be too much stress for me and then I think she's right and I shouldn't bother because I'll just fail.
Oh, and just for some really good news today, just found out Medicaid won't cover my meds unless it's written by a psychatrist. My GP has been writing it for me (my plan changed, and my old pdoc isn't covered on my new plan; in fact, no doctors are - everyone has to be seen at this clinic that is basically set up for homeless people - you have to take "treatment readiness" classes from 8:00 am unitl 4:00 pm three days a week. That works out real well with Ellie's school schedule - NOT!!!
So yeah, I'm feeling like a loser today.

from what i just heard i'd pick YOU for a friend out of those other....LOSERS!
repeat after me "I am not a loser, I am not a loser" and then go tell your mom to jump off a cliff !!!
sorry but if there's a bad mother in this situation, its yours, not you.
God could not be everywhere, so
oh honey...do you know how many friends i've lost??? the only real friends i have, are the ones i've made here!!! and I'm in Florida, and everyone is SO far away so its all online...or phone...but it doesn't matter, we're all together here...and none of us are losers here...
i had a really bad day yesterday here at work, due to some personal issues, and had to leave a couple hours early...well, this morning i get here, and OMG the looks i'm getting...yeah, they saw me lose it...but so what. i dont' even care right now...my boss has probably been told...i hate them. but i'm here...for what its worth.
anyway, you're never alone...k?
hugs!
keli