Can't concentrate at all...BP, ADD?
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| Mon, 04-10-2006 - 6:58pm |
Hi...I haven't posted much...I guess I'm still pretty depressed, though I don't want to admit it. But I haven't gone to class in two days, barely have left my room...and cry at every turn (I cried when my mom sent me a coupon in the mail!).
And then just today I think I may have let my inner hypochondriac get the best of me, and I'm now almost in a panic about a certain rheumatologic disease that I seem to have symptoms of (scleroderma), but hadn't put together until now...but I can't even tell if this is yet another unfounded worry that's spun out of control, or something real.
But what I wanted to ask about was trouble concentrating. I've had this problem for a while, at least this year...but it's gotten worse lately (and not just since I've been worrying about this health issue). I absolutely cannot get myself to sit down to read even part of a book for class.
I've even tried starting from the end and going backwards, tried reading with music on or with other people around...I just can't do it. I get distracted by every single possible thing...and when there are no distractions, I get so restless that I get up anyway because I just feel like I can't stand it anymore.
This ended up being a problem in our last set of classes, so I had to try to cram a lot of studying in at the end...and even then, I couldn't read anything, and my grade ended up lower than usual.
I guess I just need a lot going on at once...I do listen to audio recordings of our lectures while surfing the web or writing emails (though I don't follow well there either, obviously!). Today I did put a few lectures on my Ipod and go walk to the park and listen to them, and that was pretty successful...but I can only walk so far (especially since I've been sick...and still can't seem to put any weight back on).
I've joked before that I maybe should go work in an Emergency Room because I need so much going on at once to stay interested...and I even signed up for the emergency medicine elective for next year!
But I don't think this inability to concentrate is a good thing...or if it's maybe just a sign of being depressed or restless? It's strange, it's gotten so I don't even want to look at a book (it seems almost like torture to me to have to sit there!), which is not really like me, since I guess I like the material we're learning well enough.
Do any of you have major problems with this, and do you associate it with your BP? Or just the depressed phase...or not at all? It has seemed to get worse for me over time, and I wonder if it's getting worse as my depression worsens...hard to tell, though.
My dad has severe ADD, though undiagnosed (except by my mom, who's worked with kids with ADD her whole life) and untreated...maybe that's one reason he used to fly into a rage practically every day! Anyway...I looked up the symptoms of adult ADD out of curiosity, and I have almost every one of them, times ten! Which was kind of a shock to me. Disorganized, clumsy, can be socially awkward, etc etc...
But I had no big trouble with concentration as a kid that I know of, and was always a great student...so I think that automatically rules out a diagnosis of adult ADD now, right? But I wonder if my dad's ADD is somehow connected to my mood problems, or if he gave me some of his traits.
Sorry, once again I'm writing a LONG post that may not have much at all to do with BP...but you all have been so great and supportive, and I thought maybe there is some connection between BP and concentration problems. Or maybe this is anxiety in my case, since my therapist seems to think that's a big problem of mine? Anyway, I really appreciate you all, as always...thanks so much for listening,
Rose
P.S. Oh, wanted to add: this wouldn't be such a problem if all I had were classes to worry about. But we have our first huge licensing exam scheduled for early June...and it will involve MAJOR studying, like many hours a day for several weeks probably...and there is a lot I still need to learn...so I'm worried about what I'm going to do.
Edited 4/10/2006 7:42 pm ET by rosa444

It can be many different things.
God could not be everywhere, so
Thanks very much, Donna. Thinking back, I guess this hasn't been a totally constant thing even over the past year...when I was feeling good, I could get so much done (well, until I went over the edge a little and then felt like I had to be moving constantly). Sorry for leaving that out before...I hadn't even realized it myself until now when I heard you point out that I sound depressed.
I just keep going down, too, it seems...my first thought upon waking up this morning was how to get out of going through the day. I did force myself to go to one required class, though. I'm actually not on any meds now...my pdoc earlier had me agree that if I was feeling down again, I would go back on them, but I was very reluctant to say yes. And my tdoc spent the last session trying to convince me to go back on them...but I just feel like I can't, or won't, for reasons that are too many to go into.
Well, I do have to say my tdoc seemed to be giving me different messages lately. Two sessions ago, when I was feeling OK, she told me how she thought maybe I didn't have a major mood problem, that doctors had even given me the ECT when it wasn't really needed. And then the very next session, she was telling me how I could have a biological problem and need to take meds, maybe at high doses. So who knows?
But to answer your question, fortunately I had no trouble in school as a kid...I was a great student, and had no problem paying attention. So that must rule out adult ADD...I just wonder, then, what could make you develop symptoms like ADD, only later in life?
I guess I have been anxious too, especially getting worked up about possible major health problems, when nothing serious has ever been found. I do have all these unexplained symptoms, though, so that sets things off! (plus in the back of my mind has been a skin change I've found that makes me worry because my grandmother died of breast cancer).
But I guess mostly I've been depressed. I can't explain it well, I just feel like I can't go back on that medication (for one thing, it made me sooo sleepy)...but it's also about what going back on the medication means. I just want this to get better without meds...I should be able to deal with this, right?! Nothing is wrong in my life...but I just can't stop crying.
Thanks again...I really appreciate it,
Rose
Edited 4/11/2006 2:24 pm ET by rosa444
it can be very hard to actually realize you need meds and don't actually have a choice....they are two totally different things.
so really right now...what you need to decide is if this is how you want to live your life?
God could not be everywhere, so
Hey Rose...I have this problem constantly! In fact, I had trouble concentrating on your post! That's how bad it is. It could be so many things...BP and ADHD are SO much alike...so could it be depression...just many many things. Its so hard to say. But, it does interfere with you life. I hear you there. My meds make it worse, I guess??? At least not better...right now, I'm manic, and I SOOOO am not able to think clearly, if at all...but its fun. LOL. What sucks, is...its gonna come crashing down at any time.
That sucks.
Hope you're feeling a bit better.
Love and Hugs,
Keli
Thank you, Keli...sorry, I know I tend to write REALLY long posts! :) I guess you're right, so many things can interfere with concentration, it's hard to tell sometimes.
Sorry you're manic right now, though it does sound like you're enjoying it for the moment, but cycling still is not good. I hope you don't crash badly.
As for me, not doing so well. At all. Don't have much else to say about it, just that my primary care doctor once again basically wrote off my worries about my physical problems and told me I really should consider going back on meds (agreeing with my tdoc). But I still don't want to...though I guess I may have to.
Thanks again for your post...hope your mood starts to calm down some.
Rose