Looking for Answers??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Looking for Answers??
2
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 12:13pm

Good Morning!
Please allow me a moment to introduce myself and explain why I'm here. I myself am not bipolar. My partner is. I do not lurk here...I used to be very active in a playgroup board for my now 5 year old, but haven't been part of the message boards in years. I do remember the excellent support and comradery I had on the board though, and I have come here hoping to find a few people who can maybe help me with some questions. Since I don't know very much about depression I am hoping that someone who deals with it can help me. Please don't feel insulted. I believe that anything we cope with and live through only makes us stronger, and I share openly about things I have been through.

I don't know a terrific amount about bipolar disorder, except the small amount he has explained to me and some independant research online. He has been "stabilized" on Effexor for several years; we have been in a serious relationship for 1 1/2. My question requires some background info about our relationship:
We have both been married in the past and we both have 2 children from our previous relationships. Mine (9 & 5) live with us, his (6 & 4) live 10 hours away (she moved when they split). We live together, share our finances (we make roughly the same amount), have purchased "medium-ticket" items together, have taken credit together, are in the process of buying a house, have talked about moving closer to his kids a few years down the road, etc. We make our decisions together, and I've never felt that any of these decisions were more me than him.
We communicate quite well, but we've never talked a lot about his bipolar disorder. He was upfront with me when we started dating and told me he had it, explained what it was, and also explained his medication. A couple of days ago he was feeling down. Usually when he feels this way he plays video games or something else that he finds distracting. Except this time he wanted to talk. We've had these discussions in the past, about his childhood, his family (he's adopted), etc. This time he started talking about us. First he explained that he avoids making plans because he doesn't know what kind of day he'll be having; whether it will be up, like it usually is, or down. Then he explained that for him, love is not so much how he feels about me as it is about how I make him feel. I make him feel good. He said that he cannot say what will happen if I stop making him feel that way. He told me that he is a gamble, because he can't say for certain how he will feel from one day to the next. I told him that I didn't understand why he wouldn't have told me these things at the start of our relationship. Why would we be talking about moving further away from my family, to be closer to his kids, if I don't even know if we'll be together a month down the road. He apologized and said that there is no way to justify not telling me this sooner. He reiterated that he loves me to pieces right now, and would do almost anything for me, but that because he considers me his equal he felt I had the right to know.
I haven't stopped thinking about this since it happened on Sunday. He has acted like nothing changed; joking around, snuggling in bed, and talking about work.

Ok, I'm finally at the questions part. Does this sound like depression? I'm not looking for relationship advice, I'm simply wondering if this comes across as being the depression talking. I don't feel like I can ask him, for fear of making him uncomfortable or self-conscious.

Thank you for taking the time to read my novel. I apologize that this is so long...when I started writing I didn't think it would allll spill out like that. Any input or feedback that can be offered is so appreciated.

Margo

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 2:02pm
i really thought hard about what you asked & personally i don't think it's possible to answer that question here,without actually knowing you or your bf or your relationship.
people do & say things for millions of reasons...they may even mean them one minute & not the next.i don't think i can even imagine if what he said was from depression or a moment of insecurity.
i wish you all the best tho.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:48pm

wow...that is a toughy....like the op said, its hard for us to make this determination without knowing either one of you.


you said he's been consistant and his meds have been working for quiet some time...it could just have been an off day for him and he was talking about fears he has.

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