Things I've Learned in a week...lol
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| Thu, 04-13-2006 - 11:54am |
Did you know that life can throw a ton of bricks at you and turn your world so completely upside down in a matter of minutes? Did you know that might be a blessing in disguise? A heartbreak turned into a life lesson?
I've had some major epiphanies, if you will, in the past couple of weeks. My dh and I were on the very verge of a break up. And I thought we were perfect. A-HA! Lesson #1. Nothing is perfect. If it seems perfect on the outside, something is wrong on the inside. I was sick for a long time...yes. But not sick enough to warrant my dh's full attention. I took for granted many things. I did not need him as much as I thought selfishly that I did. It came to bite me in my boo-tay! He discovered that he needed a life too, and found a friend who also needed a friend. His friend is female. Wow. Talk about blow to my ego. Immediately, when I found that out, I thought HE IS CHEATING ON ME!!! But that's not necessarily the case. I don't know for sure. Obviously. I do know that I took him and so many many things for granted. Luckily, I found out in time enough to do something about it.
Thankfully as well, my Bipolar is more stable than it ever has been, and it really has me questioning things. I was made MORE sick on meds...I take very small amounts of medication now to control my Bipolar. And I'm better than ever. Epiphany # 2 million...so I'm able to THINK more clearly than ever before. I see so many things I could have should have would have...done differently. But I didn't know. And that's okay. I forgive myself for that. I was so medicated out that my brain was a freaking fog all the time. I could barely function...no wonder my dh thought he had to be right there with me all the time.
We all need lives of our own...epiphany 40 million...
I'm working really hard on bettering myself right now...and in making ME happy, my marriage will work itself out. Its not over. Just in the last few days, things have gone back to how they used to be, but happier...because I'm not so miserably sick anymore. He has his own time, where he goes to work out...and I am going to do mine as well. People need their own time.
I have to work on jealousy and worry. I can't worry if he is talking to his friend...or anything like that. That's just crazymaking. I have to make friends of MY OWN! I let my world revolve ONLY around HIM. That's not healthy PERIOD. For either of us.
Anyway, just wanted to kinda let you all know what I was going through and the journey of self that I am on. That journey is never ending.
I know I'm not perfect. By NO means am I perfect. I will never BE perfect. But I can strive every day to be the best I can be. Its not easy. I get angry still every day. But I am learning to channel that anger into something else and not let it consume me.
I get irritable still, sometimes. But who doesn't?
Love to you all,
Keli

((((Keli))))
I am sorry to hear about your DH. Please get a hold of me if you need help on that OK?
BTDT (not with Rick tho)
I am so so happy to hear that you are doing so much better.
You sound stronger, and that in and of itself is such a good thing. We all need strength to help deal with this bloody BP!
I love you hon. I am always here.
Hugs,
<<>>
After all of our break-ups and reconciliations, sick children, burying a child, learning that our children suffered from a life-threatening disease, adjusting to that hard truth, relationships with "others" outside of our marriage, my addiction and recovery, AND my various mental disorders, my DH and I have a new "our" song, by Creed. It has these lyrics, which pretty much summarize the last decade of our marriage:
"We've seen our share of ups and downs, and know how quickly life can turn around, in an instant."
I'm glad to hear you sounding so positive, Keli. Love, MO.
Hey Mo!
When you look at life in the perspective it was meant to be looked at, some things just aren't meant to be obsessed over...you're right. I just came through hell and survived. Thrived even! I'm not manic. I'm me. For the first time in the time that I can remember, I'm me. I know that I can do whatever is put in front of me. A piddly little problem like a friendship with a female that my dh has, when put in the right perspective, is not life or death...and it will not kill my marriage, and more importantly, my stability, my happiness...my life. I've overcome addiction to cocaine...I've overcome addiction to men and mania, yeah the whole i love mania thing we get sucked into...I've overcome my son's hard hard childhood...we've just morphed into teenager-hood...but he's a great kid, really. If all I have to put up with at 15 is a smart mouth??? No drugs, no girls...??? Come on. I've overcome SO much...
I agree with you. You learn to bend. You learn to not sweat the small stuff.
I'm learning to live MY life. My dh is still wonderful to me. He's sent me 2 txt messages today already telling me he loves me, and one saying hugs and kisses...he just needs his life, like i need mine. And that's okay with me.
I could have blown up, destroyed the house, gotten drugs, called a man...but no, that's not what I'm about anymore...and do you know that I am proud of myself? I feel grown-up for once? Yeah, I cried, and freaked out a little...lol. But once I was able to differentiate the BP thoughts from the real goings on, and process it, I am going to be fine.
Its amazing to me, how different things are for me. Yeah, I still get manicky sometimes...I still cry at the drop of a hat...but look at how sick I was...its night and day. My parents still make me NUTSO! LOL. But that's NORMAL. I feel almost normal again. I am having problems that normal people have. OMG. :)
Thanks.
Keli
((((((((((((Keli))))))))))) I'm sorry to hear that you and dh are having problems, but it sounds as though you both have a
*editing - Keli, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings about what I wrote in this post..I really wanted you to know that you're not alone in the marital issues ((hugs))
sometimes it takes a slap in the face to "help" us, if you kwim...glad to hear
that your meds are under control now Keli and that your marriage is working out
better.......I have been where your husband was in finding a male friend.....i
am the bp one here but he is the one who would mentally torment me...
it was hard for my dh to deal with and things were really close to a divorce
here but thanks to some good friends he realized that i am worth keeping and our
family is worth it to try...
hugs, and if you ever need to talk, i'm there *smile
Lisa
Edited 4/17/2006 8:12 am ET by dunkindgirl